[mommaxo]

I don't even know where to start I guess I start to explain why i'm being charged and facing jail time right now for something I did not do. also :I changed my ex boyfriends name to Steven for confidentiality reasons.

being charged:
I got a phone call while blow drying my hair, that I got the job that I wanted. I was jumping up and down with joy. Me and Steven decided to go out and celebrate. Of course we went out and drank. We decided to go across the street to a bar we regulary drank at. Steven stood outside talking to people about tattoos while chain-smoking, while I stayed inside drinking on the bar stools. Two guys came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play a game of pool with them. I was nervous that Steven was going to come in, and think I was flirting. To my surprise he seemed calm. We all decided to play pool together. Everyone was getting a long great. after one too many drinks, and the bar about to close for the night. they both told us they had more beer to drink. The bar was closing up, so we invited them back to our place. We listened to music on the computer, and sat in the living room talking. I ended up sitting on one of the guys lap trying to pick a song on the computer. he was already sitting in the chair. at this point i was really intoxicated, we all were.

I was drunk, unaware I was being flirty. His friend starts hitting on me telling me I deserved better than Steven, and that " if I were his girl he would treat me like gold "when me and Steven begin arguing back and forth. the guy who was hitting on me asked me if steven has ever hit me before. I said "yes he has" Steven starts freaking out, because he overheard me while he was standing in the kitchen, and he was scared he was going to get hurt for being a woman beater. He starts yelling out "Bullsh*t!Bullsh*t" He tells them to both to leave, he picks up the baseball bat by the front door and startsyelling at them both to "leave now" I told him to calm down, and tried to de-escalate the situation. The two men started getting angry with him. because he is threatening them with the baseball bat.

They didn't want me to stay at the apartment with him because they were worried he would beat me again. So they told me to go down the street and wait for them so we could all leave. I was standing there for a good 5-10 minutes before I went back inside to see what was taking them so long. I walked back in to the apartment to a confrontation. He was screaming at my boyfriend. I had no idea what was going on. I asked him "what's going on" he told me Steven was going to hit me with the baseball bat, and tried to go the front door after me with the bat in his hand. Steven denies it. I asked him out of shock and disbelief, he said he wasn't. The guy begins screaming at him "Bullsh*t you were going to hit her with it" he starts pounding his fists at his face, at one point he picked up the television screen like it was as light as a feather and threw it over top of his head. The screen smashed in to tiny pieces. Me and his friend stood there in shock. Everything happened so quickly. He punched a hole in our living room wall, and at one point was hitting him with the bat. His friend pulled him off of him. "Your going to kill him, Your going to kill him, let's go, let's go"

I couldn't even move, I stood there. it felt like I was watching everything happen from the ceiling. Like I wasn't even present in that moment. I think that was my way of mentally coping with what was going on. I have never seen someone get so badly injured. It was traumatic. I couldn't believe he was going to hit me with a baseball bat, and I couldn't believe what was happening. there was a lot of blood, a lot of violence. Thinking back on it now it still screws with my head. Him and his friend took off down the street. Len stumbled out of our living room in to the bedroom, I followed him in to the room. He layed down on the bed, blood was all over our bed. I cried. I tried touching him. I was rubbing my hand over his head, telling him everything was okay.

He started screaming at me. telling me he didn't love me anymore. I was trying to calm him down. but he just got angrier. I didn't know what to say. What to do. I was trying to tell him I was trying to help him and we should walk to the hospital (it was only down the street). He started pushing me off of him, screaming at me to leave. He picked up the phone to call the police, I was like "your calling the cops on me wtf" And I left. I panicked. I didn't know what was going on. How i ended up being the bad guy once again. The two men were waiting for me down the street, they started to scream at me to hurry. and I left with them in their car. they drove to their house and the one guy changed out of his bloody clothes.
I sat in the back seat. the one guy ended up going back home. At this point I haven't slept, and I was so mentally screwed up from what just happened. everything was a blur. Me and the guy who had assaulted steven decided to go grab coffee, and something to eat. I felt so weak, I knew I had to go back to the apartment, I just made sure to eat something, and calm my nerves first.

We sat inside and talked in Tim Hortons. he said "I'm like your knight and shiny armour" If steven would have hit me with the bat, who knows if I would be alive right now. In a way I felt thankful he was there to safe me. when we drove past the apartment. there were cop cars outside, crime scene tape around the apartment. I started feeling anxious, and panicking. We parked on a side street .I looked over at him and I said "what if you killed him?" He had a look of panic on his face, " No i don't think so" Is all he said. I told me he had to come with me to talk to the police. he told me he wasn't getting arrested again, "he's been to jail before for this kind of thing" I said "well if you don't come with me, and help me explain everything they are going to blame me, and arrest me" he told me not to worry about it, they weren't going to arrest me.I didn't do anything.

He wouldn't even drop me near the apartment, I had to walk a block or so. As soon as I got there I went over to the police officer parked in his car outside our apartment. I told him I was there when everything happened and I needed to explain the situation to him. He asked me If I was so and so. and I said yes, and he got out of his car, and arrested me on the spot. I was in shock. He basically told me I would have my chance to explain myself in court. I was humilitated. The officer even asked me how far a long I was ? because I was a bit bloated. basically calling me fat. he then apoligzed. and obviously made a note of that whole conversation to save his *****.
In the disclosure. I couldn't help but cry when I got put in to the cell. I could barely eat/sleep. I spoke to a lawyer on the phone who told me not to say anything. But feeling pressured by the detective I did anyways.

I was so cold, I had a blanket wrapped around me. They wrote down in my disclosure that I was drunk and nervous. when I was really sober, and traumatized. They did a video recording. I was cooperative the entire time I was in custody. I even gave them information of where they could get video footage (tim hortons) but tim hortons had deleted their video footage. It was hard for me to tell the story step by step. Everything still felt really unreal to me still. My brain wanted to block it all out. I wanted to forget all the blood. The look in Stevens face before the Tv crashed down on him .I honestly had no idea where this guy lived/his name or anything. Everything happened so fast, It felt like it was a dream.

I was later released and given conditions and a promise to appear. I was told when I was in the holding cell that I wasn't allowed back to my apartment even though I paid rent there, and all my belongings were there. I was homeless, and the detective was heartless " Your only 20, it's summer, it's warm out, lot's of people sleep outside" I couldn't believe it.
It felt like my life was something out a bad movie. I was driven to a shelter by the police. I cried in the parking lot waiting for staff to come outside. The one police officer told me everything was going to be okay. (At least he acted somewhat human) I was devasted, it felt like my whole world crumbled apart in one night. (well It pretty much did) I lost the love of my life, my home, my kitten, and was in fear I would lose my job if i couldn't find a place to rest my head. (I started my first day of work the next day)

I ended up staying at an abused womens shelter. I had a pregnant roommate that was barely there, but ended up stealing a lot of my belongings, and I still managed to make it to my first day at work. My work couldn't even believe I spend the night in jail before working. I tried really hard, but still couldn't focus on doing my job right because I was so emotionally damaged. I wasn't used to sleeping alone at night. I hated it. I cried myself to sleep some nights. I had thoughts of taking my own life away. I couldn't handle anything that was going on.

Even though I wasn't supposed to drink (It was part of my conditions) I drowned myself in alcohol. I went to the bar down the street, and drank there pratically every night. I spend all the money I made at my new job on alcohol, and new outfits to wear to the bar that night. At first I felt so uncomfortable around men. I was submissive, shy, nervous. I started to notice I wasn't acting like myself. I felt so uncomfortable even making eye contact with another man. I eventually learned if I drank enough It would make those feelings dissappear. I felt so lonely, but so scared of getting hurt again. I started having one night stands. waking up in their apartment feeling awkward, and disgusted with myself, and usually never calling them again. I didn't want to feel attached to anybody.

Court finally came up, and I still haven't been sentenced. I got myself a lawyer through legal aid, and I don't even have to show up to the court house until trial. I eventually got my disclosure with all of his statements, and police reports. he ended up in hospital. he had stitches, staples, faint redness on both sides of his neck, and a concussion. Reading all his injuries made me wish I could have been there for him at the hospital. I'm not sure why he told the police I assaulted him. was he drunk? had the concussion made him confused? or was it something he did out of spite because I had left with them? Was this his way of getting back at me for my past mistakes? In his statements he painted a picture of me being a monster who "doesn't want to get help" even though I was in weekly counselling, and making positive life choices before everything happened.

I am now pregnant from one of my promicious drunken one night stands from the summer, and I am facing jail time + probation. The thought of going to jail pregnant, or having my child taken away from me at birth keeps me up at night. I don't even know how i would handle seeing his face in that court room. he has put me in shelters, taken my home away from me, and still has control over my fcking life, and possibly my future childs.

I have sobered up, and ended up getting fired from that job. I am no longer living in a shelter. I am living in a residence for pregnant woman/woman who are expecting. I try so hard every day to tell myself that there is nothing I can do. I can only wish for the best. I frantically called my lawyer today telling her that I'm stressed about everything, she told me I had bigger things to worry about right now, and not to stress about it. But it's so hard not to after everything you were scared of happening, happened.

I can't believe he did this to me. I bet he doesn't even feel remotely guilty. he has managed to convince himself, and everyone else around him that he is the victim in this situation. yeah his face got badly beaten up. but my whole life was turned upside down in one god damn day. He even went back to the police station and told them he doesn't rememeber anything, he only knows the one guy had assaulted him, and he was pressured to give names. he tried to say he used the baseball bat in self defence, when no one of this would have happened to him in the first place, if he didn't pick up that baseball bat . & now it all falls back on me.

I never wanted him to end up in the hospital, I felt so horrible even though I didn't even do anything, I felt like It was my fault. "If I didn't tell the guy he hit me before none of this would have happened" I have gone through a thousand what if's. The thing is I might as well have been the person who had a tv smashed over their head. I may not have physically been injured that night, but I have been by him before, and that night changed me in to a different person. I was already dealing with trauma from childhood sexual abuse with my counsellor, and then that traumatic night broke me in to two, and retraumatized me.


Before That Night :
I first met him through a friend at a party in a city that was unfamilar to me. We didn't have a very romantic start to our friendship/relationship. We were both heavily intoxicated, and didn't get a long that great at first.
I ended up adding him on to facebook when I left his city, and we started talking. We would stay up all night talking to each other. I felt like we had a connection. We made plans to meet up again one day and party in his city. We spoke until then. Before I knew it I fell for him. He eventually ended up moving closer to the city I was living in, and I finally had money together, and decided to go see him.

My feelings were strong. I couldn't stop staring at him. I felt nervous. We ended up drinking that night, and going in to an abandonded building. we kissed on the roof top of the building, and took pictures together. when we got back to his place, we ended up going in to his bedroom and hooking up after everyone else had left. We spend all day cuddling together. I couldn't get enough of him. When it was time for me to go back home, I almost didn't want to leave because I was having so much fun. On the way to the bus station I went to get out the car, and he said "See you later buddy" I was confused. I spend all weekend with this guy, and he calls me "buddy". We didn't speak for a few weeks, and then we finally spoke again. We started talking over the phone, and after a night of one too many drinks I confessed to him the feelings I had. He ended up feeling the same way, and we decided to start dating. Not a lot of time went on until we decided we were sick of the distance between us, sick of missing each other that we decided that I was going to move in with him and his roommate.

And not much time went on until we started fighting. Before I moved in with him, I was living with an ex boyfriend who still had a lot of feelings for me. He supported me financially (with his job) and emotionally. He didn't want me to leave, and instead of thinking logically, I acted on my feelings and moved anyways. Little did I know It was about to be the biggest mistake I was about to make In my life. So this new guy I was living with now, and dating (let's call him Steven) had a lot of emotional issues. He was abused (according to him) in the past by former girlfriends. I myself had a lot of emotional issues. I was dealing with sexual abuse trauma, a long with many other things. Steven didn't work, he was on social assistance. We drank most of our money away, and there were times we barely had any food in our fridge, we slept on a dirty (found out later bed bug infested) mattress on his floor.

I was also on social assistance, and because I was now living/dating Steven we had to get on couples welfare,which meant all our money went to his bank account. He had a dog that he's had since he was a puppy, and I noticed over time that his dog was severly depressed, and not properly taken care of. There was a point in time his dog had fleas for weeks, because he could not afford the medication. There was times he has to beg for money on the street for dog food. His dog was crammed in this tiny apartment with 3 people, and another dog, there was no backyard for him to run around in, and the dog was always in the way, which would make steven get irritated, and yell at his dog. I pointed all this out to him, Steven began getting extremely angry with me for even bringing up the fact we should give him away where he can have a better life.

He didn't come around for awhile, until he finally realized I had a point.
I was beginning to get to the point in my life where I was finally sick of feeling the way I did. I was tired of stressing out over money, tired of wasting all of our money on alcohol. I wanted nice things, and a nice clean place. I was tired of the mattress on the floor, tired of everything being covered in dog hair, and tired of fighting all the time and feeling depressed. His friends he had were negative. Instead of being happy for Steven and understanding that he just moved to a different city, and now has a girlfriend, they complained he didn't go party in their city every weekend, and that since being with me he stopped hanging out. keep in mind these people are also adults.

A lot of drama happened between everyone to the point everyone stopped coming over to hang out and drink. Steven resented me. He tried to say I was being controlling. When really I just wanted him to stop partying, and get his life together. I felt like a mother, more than a girlfriend. He was hard headed, and I couldn't get him to see I just cared about him, and wanted the best for both us. I wanted to get out of the situation we were in. After some time went on he started getting in to fights with a roommate. (They were both friends at one point) Our roommate would sort of butt in when were arguing to take my side in things. He would nag at him for not cleaning up after himself, not working, and drinking, and acting like a jerk.

The first incident happened when me, Steven, and our roommate, and a friend were drinking, we went to a bar downtown. Everything was great, we were laughing, having a good time. Steven made a rude comment about a university student that was outside of the bar (who was a complete stranger) and our roommate had told him off for being ignorant and judgemental. Steven was drunk, and got incredibly hostile. he didn't say much, but he was being difficult. We were all trying to have a good time, and he was ruining it for us. My boyfriend asked me to come out for a smoke with him. I told him I wanted to finish my beer because it was last call, and the bar was closing soon. He got angry, started yelling at me in the bar. We all left. On the walk back to our place he told me "Everything is your fault. My friends hate me because of you" Our roommate flipped out on him, after he overheard what he was saying to me.

He wouldn't allow steven to go near me or talk to me. He kept bugging me, to talk to him, but I was too upset. He basically tells us all off. tells us to go fck ourselves, and goes on about how he's going to sleep outside. our roommate told him he was going to go home, and sober up.
He started getting spiteful with our roommate saying nasty things, and then he tried to get in our roommates face. At one point him and our roommate started wrestling our living room closet. He ended up pulling a knife on our roommate. I got on top of Steven and tried to pull him off of our roommate, scared he was going to end up stabbing him. I was thrown in to our wall. Our friend helped me up, it didn't even seem to phase him.

at point through out the night he said he was going to leave, took his guitar, and his dog and began walking out. Then I went outside to talk to him, and eventually he calmed down and passed out drunk. The next morning he was still extremely rude. I had no clue why he was hostile towards me, considering that I haven't done anything. I ended up forgiving him later on.

We eventually ended up getting a place of our own. Before moving out there were a few incidents where He threw my makeup case on the ground breaking a few items, and yelling at me while I was crying ending with me hiding in a closet. The thing is i was never a perfect girlfriend. He had a way of triggering me (I was abused by my step father and dealing with PTSD) he would do things that would send me in to a rage. I felt horrible. I got help. I even tried medication but stopped because I was feeling numb, and sucidial. I was even made to feel crappy when I stopped my medication, and was told that "I didn't even want to get help"
when I really did. I guess a lot of my past behaviour lead to him feeling resentment and hostility. He would drink and go in to a jealous rage. He tried to stop drinking. but it never lasted long.

I began to isolate myself. I was so dependant on him. I couldn't even leave the apartment without him. It was such a twisted relationship. It was just us hurting each back and forth, I guess the alcohol just made it easier for that to happen. It wasn't long before the first time he hit me.
His excuse was "I did it before", which somehow made it okay for him to do it later on in the relationship. I remember feeling in shock. I couldn't believe things were getting this out of control. I layed in our bed traumatized. I didn't know what I did wrong.

What had happened was we had went on a date to a bar. We had a few boxes of wine in the parking lot, and ate subway. Afters we went to the bar, to listen to the juke box, and have some pitchers of beer. In the last little while before our date Steven had been complaining about not having any friends, and us needing to meet new people. So when I ended up sharing a laugh with the guy sitting at the table next to us, I decided to introduce myself. Before I could even get a conversation going, one of his friends said " I think you better go talk to your boyfriend he looks mad" He had his arms crossed. the girl at the table beside me and my boyfriend said "that's rude, you came here with someone, and your talking to other people" I was so confused. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to socialize?

Eventually I tried to explain myself to my boyfriend. Saying I was just trying to meet new people. I guess he was upset because I was angry with him before talking to other people, and it was because we were supposed to be on a date. As the night went on me and my boyfriend ended up sitting at the table with the group of guys. Everyone was trying to be friendly with him, but he just sat there unimpressed, and hostile, and barely spoke to anyone. He ended up ditching me at the bar. I didn't have a set of keys to get in to our new place, and it was dark outside. He left, and came back. I thought maybe it was to talk about things. He said "give me the fcking wine out of your purse" and went ahead and grabbed it out of my bag and stormed off. Everyone couldn't believe that he was my boyfriend. I was embrassed.

I ended up hitting it off with the guy I had first introduced myself to. He invited me back to his place for drinks. In a drunken angry haze I said yes. I felt awkward. I sat on the edge of his couch. and asked him if i could use his internet to msg my boyfriend. I basically told him in that msg I didn't have keys to get back in, but I was going to head over there anyways. I didn't get a reply. He had offered me liquor but I said No thanks, and he said i could crash at his place if I needed to. I felt uncomfortable and wanted to get back home to see Steven. So i got him to walk me back half way. When I got to our apartment our front door was thankfully unlocked. He was passed out cold on our bed. I fell asleep shortly after getting there.

When we both woke up we started fighting. I was so hungover, and didn't want to hear it. He started to accuse me of cheating on him with the guy from the bar. and I told him even after him ditching me at the bar, and embrassing me I wanted to come back to see him. Nothing I said was good enough "Oh you probably fcked him" I felt like he didn't trust me, and I felt like he thought of me as some slag. I felt horrible. I started getting angry and just laughed at his insults, and rolled everything he said off my shoulder. I stopped listening to him. I was sitting at our computer chair on facebook I had a message from him from last night. He was calling me all sorts of nasty names, telling me to never go back to the apartment, saying he hates me. I started yelling at him, and he came up behind me and started choking me, he punched me in the face. He told me he wanted to kill me. I was so hurt. He didn't even seem to care, he almost seemed delusional.

He eventually calmed down and told me he would never hit me again. He seemed to feel awful for what he did, but It didn't make me feel any less hurt. I can't remember everything, because My brain still wants to block it out. but I can remember that exact moment when I no longer felt safe around him. That wasn't the last time he hit me. My present for christmas was a black eye. I had to cover it up with conclear to go over to his fathers for christmas dinner. He didn't feel guilty until he noticed the black and blue appearing in the sunlight under my makeup. I took pictures on his camera, and later ended up deleting him because apart of me knew I never had the balls to leave him, or call the cops on him. A part of me still loved/cared about him, and would never want to have him taken away from me. therefore I never pressed charges, and I stayed.

The one time I did threaten to call the police, he told me I was crazy, and they wouldn't believe me because of my BPD. when I told him I was going to leave me, he told me I was going to die alone, and no one would want to put up with me. There was a time when we were having sex, and me telling him I didn't like what he was doing didn't make him get off of me. At one point I had asked him "How do I look?" he pulled down my shirt and said "Better Now" He made me feel so alone, crazy, and hurt. He blamed me for almost everything even after agreeing to give his dog away because it was the best thing to do, he said "dogs name is gone because of you"

All i wanted to do was get stability in our relationship. I guess I was in the wrong for thinking I could change him. But I felt like he resented me, and like I had deserved to all those times I was hit because of all those times I freaked out at him. Some fcked up part of me still misses him, even after all he's put me through.

[kaliope]

domestic violence is such a viscous cycle and can be very difficult to get out of. and the laws are getting tougher. on average a woman leaves 8 times before she stays gone. and it is so hard because she loves him despite everything he has done to her and believes that he will change. there is always that hope. you want the payoff after all that time you have invested. and know, because he has been nice, and it was so good, you believe he can be good again. i know what it is like to so desperately want that love. i stayed because my dad was abusive and i felt that if i could get this abusive man to treat me right then it would somehow make up for my father. now i am very content alone........i hope things go ok for you in court......

[Yoda]

It doesn't make much sense on the surface but I sometimes miss my abuser too. It is all very confusing.

I hope things go well for you in court.