[geis]

I had an appointment this morning with my ob-gyn NP to get the birth control implant put in. That was no big deal--no problems there. But then she had me cornered and wanted me to agree to come back in three months for an exam. She knows I have a history of sexual abuse and PTSD, so she said we could just do an external exam. But I don't think I can even handle that. I understand her point--I've never had an exam, my mother got breast cancer young, it's about my health, etc. (So please, no lectures--I really can't handle it right now.)

But just having a conversation about it was incredibly triggering. If I can barely handle talking, how am I going to handle someone I barely know touching me? I ended up saying I'd come back in three months just because I wanted to get out of there. But they don't schedule appointments that far out (which I thought was weird), so that means I have to call and schedule the appointment later. I don't know if I can, but I feel like I have to because I said I would.

Since then, I can't really get or stay grounded. It started in her office--my vision started to go weird like it does when I dissociate, where the colors get dimmer, and things blur and start to disappear. I managed to get home--my mentor took me, and apparently I faked it well enough that she couldn't tell anything was wrong--but since then, I've been really messed up and out of it. I keep shaking, and I can't get warm no matter how high I turn the heat up or how many blankets I hide under. I listened to a guided relaxation recording that helped a little, but I'm still really not okay.

I don't want to have a body anymore.

[CANDC]

Geis, sorry to hear you are in distress.

At least the guided meditation gave some relief.

I am freezing tonight also. Winter is yucky. Time to get out the ginger tea. That is my warm up method in cold weather. Hot water and ginger powder.

Hang in there geis!

[geis]

For me, the inability to get warm is a trauma thing, not necessarily related to the season. I don't know why it happens, and it's not something I've heard other people mention. But when I get triggered or frightened, I get cold, no matter what the temperature is around me.

Doing a little bit better today, but not a lot. Everything just feels so unsafe, like everyone around me will hurt me if I let my guard drop for even a moment.

[Lexi232]

thats tough to go through, i would of said yes too. knowing "yes" would get me out much sooner.

i think it makes sense with being so cold... anixety can cause a person to feel colder than normal.

youre doing great, youre on tough cookie

do you have a safe place to goto? (for instance, i used to have a tent that i would go into, and had all sorts of things in there that helped me feel safe. it was kinda like my goto place, and usually people would stay away while i was in there. it could be a small room, or anywhere that can be just your safe space(aka, people knowing to stay away when your in that area, and no one else would be allowed in there, even if you arent in there at that time).

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[Fuzzybear]

[geis]

My bedroom is safe...no one else comes in there, and I spend most of my time there. It helps a little.

I don't know...I just feel so overwhelmed, and I can't make the memories and the body memories stop. Grounding skills work to keep me from dissociating or going into full-blown flashbacks, but they don't help with this.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by geis

My bedroom is safe...no one else comes in there, and I spend most of my time there. It helps a little.

I don't know...I just feel so overwhelmed, and I can't make the memories and the body memories stop. Grounding skills work to keep me from dissociating or going into full-blown flashbacks, but they don't help with this.

Geis, I read about how the memories are stored in the body. It sounds like an intense experience.

My practice involves exercising and yoga and over time some of the body memories are released.

Hope you have a better nite tonight!