[AmyCake]

Hi,

I have a tricky situation that i would like to ask for help. The question is, how do I exclude my abuser (who is a direct family member) from my wedding? Being an Asian American, our culture has always been to value harmony and togetherness. So, the family has always denied the sexual abuse that the abuser has done. Now that my wedding is approaching (finally leading a normal happy life with my life partner), I don't want him to be there to spoil. However, I struggle with the ethical issue in how to exclude him from the invite list. And the problem is, everybody knows i have this family member existing (but don't know abt the abuse), so how do i exclude him and at the same reduce the number of guests asking abt his presence or gossiping abt it at the wedding? =(

Pls help me.
Thank you.

[jelly-bean]

I answered this in another forum but I hope that others here will read it and offer you advice too.

[Just keep swimming]

Wow, this is a hard one for me. I hadn't told anyone about my abuse when I got married and really hadn't believed it myself. But I think having my friends and other close family there helped me ignore my father pretty much.

But a few years later I refused to sleep in the same house as him. It was awkward because I would have to ask to sleep at other people's houses and they all wondered why I just didn't stay at my parents house when I visited. But I didn't care because there was just no way that I could sleep in their house. I didn't explain to anyone. My mother knew why.

So I have no advice. For me it just depended on where I was in my healing journey and what I knew I could handle and what I couldn't. If I couldn't handle being around him, and I felt like I would be hurt just being around him, then there really wasn't a choice. People thought it was strange but I really had no choice. But all people really knew was that I didn't get along with him and that happens in families all the time and I could handle that.

Good luck with your dilemma. I'm thinking that guests are paying attention to and talking about all sorts of things and that if your abuser is not there, it won't be a big deal to them. And if they do wonder and think that it's really strange that he wasn't invited, then it can just be a mystery to them, that they'll probably quickly stop thinking about.

[nicoleflynn]

You can't stop what others say or do.It is your wedding,so do what is comfortable for YOU.

[mimsies]

I have actually thought about this for a few days and even dreamed about it, and I guess what I would do/say (Or at least what I did in my dream) follows:

Just don't invite him. If people ask simply say "He won't be there," before hand, or "He's not here," during. Upon further questioning "That's just the way it worked out," then change the subject. Hopefully, valuing harmony and togetherness should keep people from pushing the issue because to do so would be really rude and awkward.

[AmyCake]

Hi everybody,
firstly, i have to thank you everyone for your feedback, especially mimsies. i have to say that the help and advice is very much appreciated. For now, i have decided not to invite the abuser who is also the abuser. but, the dilemma mainly arises due to the awkwardness of the family not being there, and also... the fact that i have extended families who are very "gossipy" in nature. People are just naturally curious about such things, but yet, i m unable to share the whole truth =(

Really hope that i can find the courage to implement this. at the end of the day, i know that my own mental wellbeing is most important. yet, i have to overcome the possiblities that people would be asking and gossiping about this =((