[lozza89]

Growing up I was sexually abused by my dad's dad. I refuse to say 'grandpa' as I don't see him as being one at all. I do not and will not again see him or his wife as family.. ever.

I am pretty sure my sister (she is 3 years older) was also hurt by him. For a long time she refused to even see him and when they came to visit she was out of the house in a flash and refused to return until they had both left..

Many many years ago, back when I was in high school I wrote a piece in english. It was meant to be a true piece of writing and I tried making things up cuz I didn't have anything 'happy' to write about but nothing was good enough - I am also a perfectionist.. and so I put all the events down on paper. My english teacher kept me back after class and spoke to me but he didn't report the abuse.. I begged him not too and told him I was safe. I wasn't safe from him though.

I don't know how my sister came upon my paper but she did and she said she had been hurt too. A few years later though when I was writing about other abuse I had been through (this one involving my dad) she told my parents on me and things got really really bad. She was abused by him too and one time he punched her and she got a black eye she wasn't even in high school yet..

How can she just turn on me like that? Oh and now she is saying that dad's dad never did anything and so she is back in contact with them also.

Feel so alone and confused.

I feel like I don't have a family and well I couldn't even go to my grandma's funeral (my mum's mum) cuz I am not family am I? and today was my cousins son's baptism but I couldnt go to that either cuz I dont feel like family I dont think I am family and I didnt want to intrude.

I don't know where I am going with this but is she even my sister? Why won't she talk to me or be there.. yeh siblings fight and that is normal but I feel so excluded and I feel like I always have been since the day I was born.

Does anyone even like me?

I don't know. Just finding it really hard to breathe.

[Just keep swimming]

I think my brain has an impossible time accepting what it was like when I was a child. I'm really good at ignoring stuff and making believe nothing is wrong. Sometimes I'll go for years making believe that nothing bad happened when I was young. But then something will happen and I can't make believe anymore. There were times when I couldn't sleep in the same house as my dad. But Goodness, I so want to believe that nothing was wrong when I was young. It's just too hard otherwise. I think everyone who is betrayed by someone who should have loved them and taken care of them has the same type of thing going in in their mind. Sometimes I worry that I'm lying about everything. That I'm making stories up and I have to double check all the things I know are true and reassure myself that no, I'm not lying.

So, it doesn't make it any easier, but maybe your sister has the same type of thing going on in her mind and it's just too hard for her brain to believe it. But that kind of leaves you in a bad and painful position because you do remember.

I know your kitties like you and I know people on this forum like you and are grateful for your posts.

Take care of yourself during these days. Here, up North, they're also pretty dark in addition to involving family and all the Holiday stuff. I don't get to see my T until after the New Year. I'm grateful for people posting. It keeps me from feeling too alone. It's a little past midnight here and it's pretty quiet.

Swim

[Quarter life]

Dear lozza 89.

This is indeed a difficult situation, but you should make no excuses for how you feel, or choose to deal with the pain of these past events. Your sister is dealing with it in her own way, she chooses to keep these past events invisible, just her way of coping I guess. Everyone has their own demons and processes of dealing......and none of them are wrong. Maybe someday you can re connect with members of your family, but at the moment I think you need to self protect.

Be kind to yourself lozza 89

[sherbet]

I agree with Swimming.

Keep in mind that even though you and your sister shared many of the same experiences growing up it probably wasn't exactly the same for her--parents respond differently to their children based on their different personalities and birth order, for instance. But more importantly, in order to process what happened she would have to accept some horrible things. For most people, accepting that their family would purposely hurt them is an extremely uncomfortable and destabilizing thing to admit. So people engage in the usual excuse-making ("It wasn't so bad," "I provoked dad that time," etc.). Add to that that abusers usually make you question your own sanity and recollections rather than validate them ("How can you say such things about Grandpa" "Oh but what about all the good times?" etc.) and those are the people we rely on to corroborate what happened when we were too young to remember/understand. It's one thing when you read about some abusive person you never met…it's more complicated when you're thinking of a real person who you know well, who has good and bad qualities--it's much harder to attach that label and much easier to make excuses. It makes sense why so many don't accept what really happened.

My situation is a little different but I also have a sister who means well but seems to have her head stuck in the sand. She had a very different experience than I did (because of big age difference, living situations), but she knows enough about what went on. Still, she leaves her children with our father (who she should know is physically abusive), showers him with daughterly love and praise, and encourages me to let bygones be bygones and believes he's changed. Every time she does it I feel like someone's stabbing me in the chest. But I understand where she comes from--what she believes is far nicer than what I believe. It does feel very hurtful and invalidating when she acts like we're one big happy family that I don't feel a part of because I don't subscribe to the same lie.

I'm sorry this is happening, it sucks to hear this coming from the one person who shared your experiences and who you would expect to be able to share your feelings. Have you read "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward? One of the takeaways is that an abuser is just a part of a dysfunctional family system. Everyone else enables the lie to continue because otherwise, the whole family structure is disturbed. This might be why you don't feel like family--you disturb the balance by not subscribing to the lie.

It is sad that this is affecting your relationships with family members you care about. I don't know what to tell you there…but I think you're very brave for not wavering. At least you can have your sanity :/

[lozza89]

thank you for the replies everyone. it helps knowing I am not alone. Like it really really helps

Originally Posted by Just keep swimming

I know your kitties like you and I know people on this forum like you and are grateful for your posts.

really?

today has been really tough so far and its not even lunch time yet really dreading xmas day and having to be with family, just wanna spend it at home with my own little family - my girls and fosters.

[Just keep swimming]

Yeah, I like you. I'm grateful for your posts and lots of times I'm up late at night and it helps to know you're up.