[PianogirlPlays]

Frustrated because I keep trying to move forward and some stupid thing pops up and hurts me and I go down the road of anger. I don't solve anything and it just hurts. I get stuck in it. Need to move on and take good care of myself. Anger and angry actions do not do that.

[sideblinded]

((PianogirlPlays))

Hey, do you really play the piano? Sorry if you hear that a lot. We all get angry at times. It sounds like you have some insight about your anger as you are aware of it and you are right that we must move on and take care of ourselves. I am learning this, too!

[mimsies]

If you DO play piano, I often find playing the piano intensely is a very satisfying way of expressing anger.

I would say that it isn't entirely true that angry actions don't help. I think though, that expressing it in a healthy way is necessary. If one doesn't express it (in an appropriate way) there is no way to control it. Art, creative writing, movement... they are all helpful when someone is having a hard time with anger. My therapist LOVES my angry artwork. The thing is the anger is there. It won't go away all by itself. No matter how much I wish the fury I contain would just go away, it won't. I have to express it, explore it, understand it. Then I can manage it.

[sherbet]

I'm sorry you feel so angry, it can really get overwhelming. I feel this way too. It got much worse before it got better but it's been improving for me with time--I've been feeling less intensely angry and for shorter periods. It still happens so obviously I'm not an expert anger manager but I'll try to share my thoughts…I'm sorry it's so long.

I had to accept the anger first, and at that point things got worse…once I allowed myself to feel the anger it got out of control. There were months I spent so much time being angry that I didn't even recognize myself. The anger lessened as I left a toxic relationship and I started feeling better overall. Most noticeably, it got better when I could finally separate the deeper hurt/anger issues that I have been carrying with me from the temporary hurts and distractions that toxic people create. If this applies to you, get as far away as you can from any major ongoing source of anger so you can assess your own issues. I also found it helpful to identify what was triggering the anger. I was unpleasantly surprised when I noticed that anger was triggering anger--a mildly irritating situation (eg., the grocery store was out of my favorite product, x) was triggering memories of deeply angering situations (eg., the time my father assaulted me with whatever object y). Apparently, our brain likes to categorize things by feeling, so something angering at a grocery store can remind us of otherwise unrelated angering things rather than uneventful grocery shopping experiences. I don't know if this happens for you but if you feel like you experience anger seemingly out-of-the-blue and you can't place what triggered it…that could be it.

Finally, I confronted my mother about some of the things that had been disturbing me and she spewed out every invalidating/inappropriate response I could have imagined. Strangely, this too helped with the anger. Hearing this ridiculous condensed summary of every hurtful and dismissive thing she'd ever said to me helped me finally see that none of it had any bearing on me or on reality. All she ever wanted was to win the argument. I felt so much saner and stronger for finally letting her have her say to prove my worst suspicions correct and knowing that regardless of what she does I can choose to understand her reaction as inadequate and walk away unscathed. It's great to know that I can feel better without actually "solving" anything. If you're measuring the success of your interactions with an abuser by whether they expressed remorse or changed their ways you can wait forever…a better measure of success is how you feel afterwards.

The anger hits most when I have too much time alone to think. I allow myself to feel angry for some time but if I realize I had spent hours steeping in anger I try to redirect. I've found it incredibly unhelpful to remind myself to stop thinking about angering subjects--I need to actively replace the thinking activity with something else. Even a relatively uninvolved activity like listening to music really helps. If you do play the piano or any musical instrument…that's perfect because it's hard to try to learn a new piece and dwell on something at the same time. I know this sounds like a bandaid for a huge problem but you can't change the way you feel…you can try to manage it. If there's one thing I learned from all this it's that anger spawns more anger so limiting the amount of time you spend feeling angry is key to avoiding more angry episodes in the long run. So even if what you're doing is just a distraction and isn't directly addressing the source of the anger, realize you're doing something powerful to break the cycle.

You probably can't "solve it"…it sounds like you've thought about it more than you wanted to already and you didn't overlook anything. Don't feel compelled to forgive or accommodate someone who hasn't earned it. If you're angry at someone who seems unable/unwilling to accept responsibility, I think you have to accept that there will be anger but that you can still feel better. The best you can do is draw some conclusions and take care of yourself. When you do feel angry, pause and try to figure out how you got there--you know what you're angry about, but ask yourself what prompted the anger in that place/moment. That way you can at least learn from the incident and learn how to stop it. You don't deserve to continue reliving past hurts.

[Fallindown]

Consider that the person you're angry at doesn't know it and it therefore is only effecting you and your life. HOw funtional does that sound?

Maybe acceptance would be a better feeling than angry?

[nicoleflynn]

Anger tells you there is something to be addressed/fixed. You can let the person you are angry with know it.....in a respectful way and then it is up to that person to acknowledge it.....or not.

[PianogirlPlays]

Thanks for responses. I really do play piano and I paint. I am greatful for distractions. My mind though brings me back to bad places even when I do not want to go!