[broadwaylove]

Hi. My name is Broadwaylove and I am 15 years old. If it also helps, I live in the USA. Back in May 2014, my youth pastor and I reported the abuse, specifically sexual, that my dad has done to me over the past years and the whole thing turned out to be a failure. My dad ended up hiring a lawyer and family pressure to lie resulted in me lying to the lawyer, telling him that I had made everything up... it sucked and now looking back, I wish I had continued on reporting him. What makes it worse is that he owns a gymnastics gym and coaches kids! It breaks my heart and makes me full of guile just thinking about it.....
Anyways, the issues I have right now is that I'm living in the same house as my dad once again and I can't even sleep at night, I have developed an addiction to alcohol (I drink it almost every night to be numb), I am severely depressed, and suicidal. Any ideas on what I should do and where I go from here would be very nice because, to be honest, I don't know what to do anymore .
-Broadwaylove.

[Stronger]

Hi there dear,
Welcome to PC.
I don't have much to say other than I really admire the fact that you spoke up about what was happening. That was more than I could ever do. Even if it ended the way it did, that was still a really brave and heroic thing to do.
It may seem like you're endlessly stuck right now and that there really is no other way besides blocking it all out one way or another.
but my friend, you will make it through this. One way or another you will make it through.

(((Broadwaylove)))
There is hope.

[mimsies]

Would you please answer some questions for me?

Does your youth pastor understand that you were originally telling the truth, but were coerced into saying that you'd made it all up? Are there other people who would help and support you in going further in the process of reporting? Do you have some place safe to go if your dad starts abusing or mistreating you again (regardless of whether you report or not)? Were any of your family supportive of your attempts the first time?

I am sorry that things turned out the way they did the first time you tried to get help. It is so unfair when you are pressured by your family not to stand up for yourself instead of being supported.

Probably it doesn't feel this way, but none of this is your fault. You are a kid, your dad is completely in the wrong to have abused you in the first place, and then to not own up to his behavior and to use your family to manipulate you into keeping his secret.

You are brave and strong, and I am so impressed by your courage to speak up.

[andy2664]

This is not your fault and it is not uncommon.

It's tough to understand from your post exactly who was involved when you and your pastor made the report. It sounds as though you only talked with the attorney your dad hired. Were the authorities involved? This should be reported to the police and then handled by the child and family services agency in your state/county.

Regardless of how things transpired, your current emotional and mental state needs attention! If you feel most comfortable having your pastor involved, then get him or her back in the picture. But somehow, get in touch with the police. I am a former police officer, and I can promise you that someone in child and family services will understand why you changed your story previously.

I am also an adult survivor of sexual abuse, though it was not by a family member. I can identify with what your are going through! There is help out there! You have to get out of the situation for your own well-being!

Peace, and hugs!

[Bluegrey]

((Broadwaylove))

There will be a way through this. I'm so sorry you were pressured to withdraw what you had said - and I hope that you still have some support from someone, maybe your youth pastor?


Bluegrey

[charli0217]

The problems sleeping and the drinking to numb out all go along with a condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This condition results from exposure to traumatic events, and being sexually abused by your father WOULD DEFINITELY be traumatic! PTSD responds very well to therapy or counseling, so I would suggest you talk with your school guidance counselor and/or youth pastor to see if they can help you find someone who would be willing to work with you. As far as your Dad goes, you really need to be as far away from him as possible, so if he won't leave your home, you might need to move out. But again, your school counselor and/or youth pastor would be able to help you with that, too.

[Adelyn]

Have you contacted child services?

It's beyond awful what you're going through.

Also try your school guidance counselor.

Remember: The wheel that squeaks the loudest gets the most attention. Keep telling your story, and to every possible outlet, until you get results. Do not give up.

[sherbet]

If you still feel that it would help in your recovery to report your father (and it sounds like it would) it absolutely isn't too late!

But you need to be in a place of safety first, before you make any reports.

You're living in the same house as your dad--you can't recover if you're constantly being triggered by reminders of past abuse. And you can't feel safe going forward. This must be constantly infuriating and anxiety-inducing. It would make anyone depressed! Please don't feel like there's something wrong with you. You're constantly dealing with far more pressure than most people ever have to deal with.

I know if it were easy to leave you would have done it by now, but please consider going to someone you trust to help you find a different place to live. I don't know what state you live in, but many states have a website where you can search through different domestic abuse programs and find one near you. You can visit their websites and see what they do, what services they offer. This way you'll at least have the security of knowing who you're dealing with, whether they are a counseling service only or whether they can take you in, and what will happen after you make the call (do make sure you're not being monitored and clear your history).

Be kind to yourself and get out of that house!