[sherbet]

Two years ago my father dragged me down a hall, pinned me up against a wall and tried to strangle me with his arm (he has pretty massive arms). It's a bit of a blur but let's just say I didn't feel remotely fine afterwards for a while--I would startle so easily I started avoiding noisy/bustling places; I was in such a daze that I'd spend fifteen minutes staring into the fridge, trying to figure out how to make a sandwich only to give up. I felt like I couldn't even take care of myself in a basic way so instead of pursuing my pre-strangulation goal of starting a new career (how can someone who can't get up and make a sandwich learn a complicated new skill set?) I wasted months just getting by.

It wasn't the first time we had an incident like this, but to be fair other instances didn't happen very often and they all happened when I was a kid/teenager. My father usually called me an "animal" whenever this happened and regularly talked to my mother about me as though I wasn't there. My mother didn't support the physical attacks but she would ultimately tell me how my father had a temper, that I should know better than to provoke it, and did nothing to stop it. She herself spent hours every day pounding on my door and berating me for all my failures. They found fault with everything I did (I'd get grounded for looking at my father the wrong way or yelled at for saying something they disagreed with in a conversation they overheard). There were a few times I told my father I was sick of my mother's behavior and that I thought there was something going on with her (she must have been suffering from anxiety) and he told me "It's your mother you deal with her." They cared about my grades and as well as unimportant crap but neither of them seemed to care much about how I felt while living in their house. They've always had a gift for acting concerned and involved even as they completely ignore my needs. I'm sure they told everyone who'd listen how hard they were working to raise their terrible, ungrateful teenage daughter. They felt things were going well.

I thought the physical abuse had stopped because I was no longer a child or living under their roof (my mother could continue to harass me over the phone any time she liked) but it was obviously premature to have let my guard down, and so the strangling incident happened.

I was in my mid-20s and I was previously doing well with my education and career in spite of my past (leaving town for college worked wonders). However, I never felt like I belonged with the happy people my own age, I didn't feel confident about my work, and I developed a real block about talking to people with authority. I felt too nervous to attend office hours in college and grad school. Any time someone higher up solicited my opinion at work there was an undermining voice in my head saying "You're not entitled/qualified to have an opinion. Why would anyone ask you? You're not even a person." When forced to speak in front of a group my mind tries so hard to stop me from expressing my "unworthy" thoughts that I unintentionally get so quiet that no one can hear. I made a bad career move because I turned off the the insecure inner voice that knew better, and went against my instincts to placate my parents. It's frustrating because I undermine myself, I make myself look and feel incompetent, I know where it stems from, but I feel powerless to stop it.

I have talked to a therapist about a lot of this and I have gotten somewhat better about all the anger and rumination. I moved to a different city and I'm in a good relationship but this crap is still haunting me. I feel like I can find a way to accept what my parents did. I can even accept that they're too limited to feel any remorse or to try to sort things out in an adequate way. What I can't accept is them acting like my bad attitude toward them is entirely my fault, that they are the world's most loving and selfless parents, and that they did nothing wrong.

I'm still struggling to get my life back on track (this is where the strangling incident comes in…it set me back, big time). I go on interviews and my lack of confidence and discomfort with people shines through and needless to say, they hire the people who can speak up for themselves. Periodically, one of my parents will insist on sitting down with me because they're "concerned" and say they want to "help." Then they proceed to question me about my life goals/plans/relationships. I have no intention of sharing anything with them and I can't believe they feel like they have any right to know. Nothing infuriates me more than this concerned parent act. Do they think I'm stupid or that my memory is just that short? I'm still recovering from their help from two years ago. How do they not understand that there is no trust after everything that's happened? They've caused me pain, but more importantly, they've done nothing to fix it. Can't they at least stay out of the way while I deal with it? It's as though they're sending me constant reminders of their total lack of remorse or empathy. I don't think they're trying to gloat over the wreck they've created. I think they honestly don't appreciate that I'm a person with feelings.

We went to a couple therapy sessions as a family but my mother kept insisting that I needed to update her on MY progress with the therapist and that I need to meet with the therapist in private to discuss my problems (she didn't seem to feel like she or my father had any role in our issues). I believe I calmly and fairly explained to the therapist what happened. I admitted that my parents have done good things for me (they put me through college) and I did nothing to embellish the strangling incident. I didn't even get into the total mess it made of me. I made clear that in order to have a normal relationship with my parents they would need to really do something to show me that I would never be physically attacked again--and it would take some effort given that I'd gotten half-assed apologies before that didn't amount to anything in the end. The therapist understood and said it would take time but that she could explain this to my parents. I guess they didn't feel they got fast results or they didn't think they had anything to work on so she never got the chance. In any case, I moved (though they could have continued seeing the therapist if they wanted to take responsibility).

What I do know is that a week ago my mother claimed that I had fooled a bunch of therapists into believing my crazy story about why I'm unhappy and that I basically framed her and my father and made them sound like bad people. I wasn't fooling anybody. I never even told my boyfriend of 7 years or my best friend about any of this…because I don't want them to see me as I see myself. I didn't tell my sister (my father did the honors…that's another story). I don't want people to know how I allow others to treat me. I never went to to my parents with my problems as a child and I don't share my problems with them or anyone else as an adult. The only place I share is in this anonymous forum and the shrink's office but apparently this makes me an exaggerating drama queen.

It's incredibly crazy-making that my own mother can't seem to grasp that the crap she and my father put me through could be hurtful to someone. I used to get upset by her dismissive and invalidating responses to my pain but I feel close to making peace with it. I understand that her inability to empathize with me is her failure, not mine. I even feel sorry for her. But I guess she still sows this self-doubt…I know there are people on this forum who have dealt with far worse and still managed to be functional. I know I've lived with infrequent physical/constant emotional abuse for years and I had found ways of coping with it. Maybe I really am overreacting. Or maybe this strangling incident was just the last straw and their inability to accept responsibility really eroded any remaining desire to learn to trust them or share anything more than polite conversation. It broke me in a way the rest of their crap had not.

I understand that ultimately, my career are self-esteem are now my responsibility regardless of my parents' many well- and ill-meaning attempts to take a wrecking ball to them. I can't blame all my problems on them--I could have taken better care of myself too--but can someone at least tell me that am good chunk of this burden isn't self-inflicted? I've done therapy. I've joined toastmasters. I've joined this forum. I've read and learned from self-help books. But being a 20-something-year-old competing with seemingly happy, well-adjusted people who weren't taught to feel worthless really sucks. I feel irritated by people my age…I used to think it's because they're too entitled and full of themselves, but now I wonder if I'm just jealous of their healthy self-esteem. I'm sad when I look out the window and see people having a good time because they seem to exist on a different plane from where I stand. There's this unhappy part of me that I don't want to share with anyone, and so even the people closest to me don't really know me. They just think I'm moody and a little odd. On the one hand, it's better this way. On the other hand, it gets lonely and I wonder sometimes whether I'm just perpetuating the isolation.

[jelly-bean]

I'm very sorry that your life up to this point has been so very painful and difficult! It is going to take a long time and a lot of therapy for you to get over the abuse but you have the will to change. I am proud of you for putting it all down right here. It takes a lot of courage to do that but it's a great first step toward healing. You are an important person and you deserve a happy and healthy life.

[sherbet]

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

I'm very sorry that your life up to this point has been so very painful and difficult! It is going to take a long time and a lot of therapy for you to get over the abuse but you have the will to change. I am proud of you for putting it all down right here. It takes a lot of courage to do that but it's a great first step toward healing. You are an important person and you deserve a happy and healthy life.

Thank you, Jelly Bean. I felt a little lighter today already It really does take a long time to work on these things though.

[Adelyn]

You're not being a drama queen. Some women would have gone to the police and a woman's shelter. Not that that would be being a drama queen, just that it's more extreme than your response. You've been pretty mild, actually.

Don't let them convince you that it's you, or that it's all you. They want to believe that, because then they don't experience guilt or shame, or face how bad they can be. Your father should not have been violent with you, and neither he not your mother should have justified it.

I think you're looking for validation from them--for them to recognize that you didn't deserve that and that they mistreated you. It would certainly help you with the healing process, and it would help improve your relationship with them. HOWEVER, you do not need their validation and it does not seem like they will take responsibility, even partial.

I think you need to trust yourself. And always consider the source. An abuser (however infrequent) tells you it's you, he didn't do anything wrong, etc., then consider the source. He's an abuser. A facilitator of abuse, who justifies, blames, and accepts, tells you it's your fault, to just get over it, that it's no big deal, etc., then consider the source. Don't trust what they say on this matter, or on the general topic of violence or abuse.

Has he apologized? Does he think you deserved it, that it was your fault?

Even if I was an infrequent occurrence and relatively minor (no hospitalization), and even if it's been several years since the last occurrence, IT DOES MAKE SENSE that it still bothers you.

These are your parents. Meant to think the world of you, meant to make you feel safe and protected, meant to be emotionally supportive, meant to care about your feelings. Your father broke your trust, and your mother added to that by justifying it.

[mimsies]

It isn't your fault. They were in the wrong. It takes time to get over abuse in any form.

To me... it sounds pretty bad, what your father did to you, and the way your mother enabled him. Please don't feel like you are somehow not entitled to be messed up. I am going to ask you what my therapist asked me once.

If you really think about what you went through, and imagine all of it happening to someone else, would you blame them for being a mess? Would you think it is reasonable that they have a lot to work thorough and a lot of healing to do?

You see other people your age who are doing OK and that makes you feel inadequate. But I think it would be helpful to realize that you don't necessarily see the people who are struggling like you, or the ones who are having an even harder time. Just by the nature of how easy it is to become an invisible part of the background, you aren't necessarily going to see others who are like you. I don't know if that makes sense. All I mean is that you aren't alone in your struggles, many people have a hard time like you do. And there is nothing wrong with it, with them, with you. You have become what you had to in order to survive. Now your are trying to grow. That is very impressive!

I think you are amazingly courageous because you keep trying, keep working, keep fighting, even though it feels like you don't make enough progress fast enough. You are a hero and inspiration!

My last thoughts follow.

Thank you for sharing your story, your feelings, and your struggles. That is so brave of you.

You are worth far more than your parents have made you feel. You are a valuable person deserving of love, understanding, and support.

We are here for you to vent, to ask questions of, to ask support from. I know that for one I am happy to give you whatever modicum of support I can over the internet.

I am glad to have met you.

[sherbet]

Originally Posted by mimsies

You see other people your age who are doing OK and that makes you feel inadequate. But I think it would be helpful to realize that you don't necessarily see the people who are struggling like you, or the ones who are having an even harder time. Just by the nature of how easy it is to become an invisible part of the background, you aren't necessarily going to see others who are like you.

Thank you, mimsies. I know you're right about people like me being there and just blending into the background. The statistics say so. I just imagine that I give off some kind of vibe and I imagine other people like me would too (someone on the forum described it as walking around with a "kick me" sign…that's kind of what I imagine…or maybe even some neon arrows…the works). Of course the reality is we just all see what we want to see and we don't know what goes on in someone else's head or behind closed doors.

I read an article once that suggested that Facebook is making all of us depressed because we go on and we're inundated with photos of happy, smiling people. It's a distortion--people don't post photos of their bad days--but it makes people think that this is the reality for everyone else but themselves.

[sherbet]

Originally Posted by Adelyn

Has he apologized? Does he think you deserved it, that it was your fault?

Even if I was an infrequent occurrence and relatively minor (no hospitalization), and even if it's been several years since the last occurrence, IT DOES MAKE SENSE that it still bothers you.

Thank you, Adelyn. This is the crux of the problem. He does seem to think I deserved it. After a lot of prodding (at the therapist's office) he said he was sorry BUT that I provoked him. My mother also believes that I should have reasonably expected a physical reaction from him because of this "provocation." I'm still honestly not sure what I did to provoke him (yes, things were tense…he disagreed with a major life decision I made, then I gave him the silent treatment for maybe 10-20 minutes) but nothing stands out as ample justification so it's hard to say. This "I'm sorry but" is actually worse than a fake apology because it suggests that he feels there are justifications for attacking me. So, he could find future justifications. He was sorry he was sitting in a shrink's office and he was sorry we were on bad terms but he wasn't sorry he hurt me. "Can we move on now?" he said.

I don't believe there is any justification for attacking another human being unless you're defending yourself or someone else from imminent harm. I needed an unconditional statement that he's sorry he attacked another human being. Clearly, we don't see eye-to-eye on whether or not I'm a human being at all. How can we have a real relationship when we can't agree on whether I'm even a person?

I could have forgiven him. I feel like I even spelled it out for him: give me a good reason to think it won't happen again. He could have told me that he has poor impulse control and he's going to investigate its sources and get treatment. He could have told me he doesn't think it's OK to physically attack children and he's going to stay away from the children in the family until he gets his problems under control.

But all he gave me is a half-assed apology and a suggestion of more violence to follow if I fail to conform to his secret arbitrary rules. Any time I visit their house I should reasonably expect a violent reaction if I do something wrong. That's what bothers me: nothing changed.

And yes, I've realized at this point that the chances of him giving me a real apology are slim. I know I need to move on without his help and I'm doing it.

[mimsies]

Ya know, that is such an abuser thing, "I'm sorry, but..." and it is total BS. No wonder you don't find it satisfying. I am really glad that you are learning to move on without a real apology.

I was thinking about what you said about what someone else said about the "kick me sign." I think that... kinda we do. I mean most people don't really detect something off about us, necessarily. But I think that sometimes, when we catch each other's attention, we KNOW that this other person is a survivor. And the two are different. I honestly often feel/think that I am a total freak, contaminated, disgusting, and that everyone else must see it. But when someone DOES recognize me as a fellow survivor, it feels very different. There is a connection rather than feeling a need to hide.

Unfortunately, I also think that people with a predatory streak are also able to target many of us. I have been sexually assaulted four times by different people. These predators *knew* what they were doing. They sensed that I was vulnerable.

Maybe you should stay away and not go over there, if that is possible. There is no way to guarantee your own safety. And you have a right to be safe.

Keep taking care of yourself!

[Adelyn]

What did the therapist say? Did he/she try to explain that violence is unacceptable? Maybe it never got to that point though. A lot of therapists just listen the initial sessions, and often before they can get to the next stage, the client(s) quit therapy. Your father sounds like the type who wouldn't stick it out too long in therapy, who would just seek a quick fix, get frustrated and defensive, and quit.

I don't know if he doesn't think you're a person though. But I guess that's kind if irrelevant if he thinks you deserve to be hit. But I can see why you feel like a non-person to him. Devalued and inferior.

Do you have siblings? It doesn't sound like you have children.

I think if you decide to have a relationship with your parents then you need to set some ground rules. Firm and straightforward.

--If you're violent with me, I will promptly call the police. Follow through on that.
--If you call me names or say degrading things to me, I will not engage you, I will simply leave. Cut off contact with both of them for a period.

You might want to write down your ground rules. Then edit them to be very concise. Prep yourself to tell them these ground rules. Be prepared for criticism, insults, and frustration. Just stay on target. Say what you need to not happen to be in their home.

And if you aren't comfortable, stick to seeing them outside the home, in public places.

I know, easier said than done. And it's almost Christmas a holidays are tricky. Another thing you can do is not go the their home alone. Bring someone else--a friend or a significant other.

Well those are my thoughts. It's not easy. But doing the right thing will result in a much better lifestyle and sense of self.

[Bill3]

I agree with mimsies. Being in contact with them puts you in emotional and physical danger It might be time to suspend or end contact with people who think that being strangled was your fault for being "provocative".

[Buttercup40]

Hi Sherbet,
I too suffered emotional and physical abuse from my parents and also my sister for years.
My parents divorced but the abuse still continued from my mum but mostly my sister. I suffer from various mental health and eating issues.
When I tried to confront them about it several times they denied any wrong doing, that the past is in the past. I'm still reliving over 30 years of abuse.
I know what you're going through.

[sherbet]

Originally Posted by Adelyn

What did the therapist say? Did he/she try to explain that violence is unacceptable?

Yes, she did.

Originally Posted by Adelyn

Do you have siblings? It doesn't sound like you have children.

I don't have children. If I did, things would be even more complicated I'm sure (like when my parents will act like the injured party when they learn I don't want them near my children). I do have a sister, but she's older and we don't share the same mother or upbringing. We have a good relationship. She doesn't approve of what my father did but she is close with him. She's kind to him, leaves her children with him, etc. I hate it but I don't want to make her "choose."

Originally Posted by Adelyn

I think if you decide to have a relationship with your parents then you need to set some ground rules. Firm and straightforward.

--If you're violent with me, I will promptly call the police. Follow through on that.
--If you call me names or say degrading things to me, I will not engage you, I will simply leave. Cut off contact with both of them for a period.

Following through is critical. I was threatening to call the police on him since I was a young kid…he always laughed in my face. He knew I wouldn't. I know I won't call the police, but I've stopped making threats I'm not prepared to act on. Last time I made a threat I did intend to act on (I said I'd tell my sister what happened and who knows if she'll let him see her kids after that) he ran to tell her first, weaving a tale of deep remorse. This ensured that I'm out of the loop and he got to put his spin on what happened. So now, in addition to having problems with him, he brought my sister into this mess as a sympathetic party (never mind that I felt he violated my right to share my story when I felt ready rather than whenever it conveniences him). She believes he came to confess to her out of remorse rather than to try to save his own skin (I don't). And she still lets him take the kids for the weekend (every time I hear about it I feel stressed the whole time that something will happen to them). I feel like this deception now unites my father, mother and sister to my exclusion. Overall, I'd say I would have been better off not making any threats.

I did make clear to them that their actions toward me will begin to have consequences. At least in conversation, particularly with my mother, I feel I've been doing a good job giving non-reactive responses to the infuriating things she says. I don't think it's sinking in yet, but that's ok because I no longer feel steamrolled at the end of our conversations. That's good enough for me. I don't know if I'll ever succeed in getting her to act respectfully but at least I can succeed in not feeling hurt.

Originally Posted by Adelyn

I know, easier said than done. And it's almost Christmas a holidays are tricky. Another thing you can do is not go the their home alone. Bring someone else--a friend or a significant other.

Tell me about it. I really do want to see the rest of my family without seeing my parents or staying at their house over the holidays. It isn't really possible. I'm trying to decide what to do…don't celebrate the holidays with family (and let my parents prevent me from seeing family) or celebrate the holidays with family (and feel defeated, like I'm validating my parents). It feels pretty lose/lose from where I stand.