Did my tutor touch me inappropriately?

Basically, a tutor used to visit my house weekly. During these visits, he used to touch my face a lot, for no reason, and whenever he used to leave, he used to like pat or hold my breast for a few seconds. This was every time/weekly and It felt really odd and uncomfortable at the time but it wasn't until recently when I told someone about it, did I realise that it was really out of the ordinary. He also, when teaching me how to sit properly and in a certain "position" (for prayer) would put his hand quite high up my upper thigh and keep it there for a while. Again, I'm not sure if it's my paranoia, but keeping in mind I was 13 at the time and he was about 40+, as well as being a religious scholar for a religion that has a strict intolerance for physical contact between men and women that aren't married (not that those are my personal beliefs), I'm wondering if this was all really inappropriate behaviour or am I just being paranoid? I remember it made me feel really bad, sick and uncomfortable and I used to dread our sessions, but I really didn't want to report anything just in case it was just me being overly conscious; I didn't want to ruin a mans life over what could possibly be nothing. But on the other hand, if it was intentional and deemed inappropriate, I don't want him doing the same to other young girls and possibly worse because they may be left completely alone with him, a trusted figure, whereas my mum was always in the house with us, albeit not in the same room?

What do I do? Would you consider the touching inappropriate or am I just being paranoid? Should I report him, as I know he still works with young people?

Thank you!

JG, welcome to Psych central!

The touching is totally inappropriate and illegal. You have rights to stop this.

Before you decide to report this you should think how painful it will be to go to court and have to testify against this person. The court proceedings could last for months. Do what you can, but be careful. If you have a therapist that specializes in abuse, then take it up with them.
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Hope you meet nice people as I have.

It sounds completely and totally inappropriate.

Do you feel like you can trust either or both of your parents to talk with them about it? If not, is there a counselor, therapist, or someone else you trust who you could talk about it with? Whether you report it to authorities, either within the religious organization, or legal or not, I think you really need someone who can be right there to support you during the process.

Take care.

Thanks so much for your help! I have reported him and the police and social services got involved and my family has been very supportive. I was just hesitant as I didn't know whether it was unintentional, him touching me in those places, but many people have said that if it was regularly, it probably wasn't.

However, I did decide that I didn't want to appear in court, so the police are going to continue the investigation independently, conducting a 'voluntary interview' with the man in question.

But, I have another question; I am underage and am quite afraid of the police mentioning me to the man in their interview with him. They are also interviewing everyone he worked with, and all of these people know me and my family. I am afraid that they will try to contact me/my family or the tutor will himself, if they find out I am the one who reported him. I did raise this issue with the officer I spoke to, but they said that they have to mention me. I then got a family member to email them about my concerns. My question is, is there any way to stop them mentioning my name in the interview/do they have to as I am very afraid of this getting out or the man not being charged and then visiting my house?

I am also worried that it may just be my paranoia and that he hasn't actually done this to other girls. Again, many others have told me differently, but I can't shake the guilt. Am I wrong to be feeling this way?

Sorry for the long and possibly irrelevant post! I really appreciate all and any help!

It is totally 100% normal to feel the way you do, and to have the fears that you do. It is normal to feel guilty and/or ashamed.

That being said, you have nothing to feel guilty about or be ashamed of. He is completely and totally the one at fault. You haven't done anything wrong, and are very brave to have reported it. I imagine your loved ones are very proud of you. I know I am!

If the police have to mention your name, that is just the way it is. I imagine that legally he has a right to know who his accuser is. Hopefully, now that you have courageously taken the first step, other girls he has abused will also come forward and make a complaint against him.

He has no right to just show up at your house. If he does, probably it is easiest to just not answer the door, and call the police if you feel threatened.

You really have shown great courage, maturity, and wisdom. Hang in there!

You felt "odd and uncomfortable" for a reason; he was molesting you. Congratulations on your maturity in reporting him. Chances are if he did that to you he has done it to others. That is what abusers count on.........silence. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. Trust your gut instinct....that is why you have it. So many "religious" people get away with molestation, etc. for decades, b ecause no one wants to believe it. We really never know anyone. Take Care and be proud of yourself. "When good men do nothing, evil prevails." Elie Wiesel

This was very brave. You've done what you could to stop this from happening to someone else--you may have prevented a lot of hurt.

I'm willing to bet your tutor will stay away because the last thing he needs is more legal problems or to implicate himself further. If he's completely unreasonable/crazy, that's another issue. If you do feel threatened, you can call the police and get a restraining order like mimsies pointed out.

As far as the rest of the community goes, well, people talk. You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to speak to and you don't have to answer to anyone. But it's very possible other girls and their parents have sensed something off about this person…you'll just have to wait and see how people respond but I hope they're supportive.

I know it's scary but you have your family's support. Talk to your parents/people you trust about your safety concerns. Maybe you can work out a plan together (what happens if your tutor knocks on the door, what happens if people start asking questions, etc.) so you don't have to feel so worried. Talk to your family about how you might deal with unwanted attention, work out a script so that everyone knows what they'll say, and stick to it.

Good for you! You are unlikely to be the only one, and what you describe is positively sexual abuse & might have gone further over time had you not spoken up. Glad the family is supportive, and you will likely save other girls from going through what you have endured. All your feelings are Normal!

That took courage. Good work!

To be inappropriately touching even one single girl is wrong and must be stopped. Even if he did not do it to other girls yet, you did well to speak. You protected yourself and other girls, future students, from him.