[ladytiger]

Hello everyone. I have this secret I've been harboring for years and it was when I was 13 yrs old. I remember at age 13, I was outside on the phone talking to my then friend at the time. A drunk guy came in, kissing me, and fondled me. Police came had the dog sniff me, the guy's scent fainted and they never found him.

He fondled my privates and didn't like the feeling I was still a virgin. At 15 turning 16, I lost my virginity to a guy I met offline and he claimed he didn't know that his **** was in me or wasn't sure if I wanted to have sex wtf?!? He was over 21 under 30. I was confused if I was still a virgin or not. I had problems with guys violating me, always yelling at me when it comes to sex. I hated their ****ing attitudes and they expected me to be like their exes because they liked it. It got the point where I hated sex because there was so much miscommunication and I got blamed for it.

At 17, I met another guy where we fooled around I got mad because I didn't want him to penetrate me and he had a severe anger problem never hit me. He said you never told me you're a virgin and I said you never asked! I felt I didn't have to volunteer info that wasn't asked of me well that didn't go well.

More miscommunication and more blaming it's like always the woman's fault! So, my new gyno told me to see a sex therapist and talk these feelings out. After that incident at age 13, I never spoken to my mom about ir nor anybody else besides my boyfriend. My mom claimed she was gonna take me to a shrink, I didn't see that happening as she has stated that before in the past and wouldn't spend a dime of her money nor would my dad pay for it as he would let the bill go to collections. Why would I trust her so called "parental judgment?" Refused to take care of my self-esteem issues in the past told me to suck it up look at what your damn ancestors did and use them as an example! According to my mom, women/girls are good for nothing *****s that my sister and my generations are nothing but *****s. Women wearing thongs, wear a tube top, mini skirts, nice sexy revealing clothing/lingerie, etc as women in her day were not like that and "we are putting it out there just to get raped and killed by any man."

Now that comment, isn't that very disturbing coming from someone who calls herself a "woman" and a "mom?" More like an ignorant little girl! I thought a "mom" helps her daughter with body image, self esteem, and rape/molestation issues? I never told anybody about this - fear for a lot of reasons, told my boyfriend. Like my sister and I both agreed something happen to her. My sister said to her (I did the same thing) did your dad molest you? My mom screamed like there was no tomorrow and that said a lot she said her dad never touched her. She said her dad had epilepsy and he "chased her around the house and had to get a neighbor to help her." I don't know if epilepsy does that to someone makes them violent. She needs serious help, thank my grandmother who was part of it too. My mom said she is fine hmm wonder why she felt when her 1st born daughter was touched by my dad not hers and didn't see it a problem but called her a *****?

We also agreed how she seriously hates women with a passion and if she is a strong, successful woman, she will do anything to destroy her yet claims that's what we need to be wtf!??!?

Right now, I am holding in tears because I plan on speaking to a sex therapist about this. Like I said before, I didn't have good relationships with MHPs (mental health professionals) but this has been eating me up for a long time and never spoken to my sister about this either. I just recently told her today in text message what happen. She said go see a therapist not someone who is gonna treat you like some common ***** like mom and then have dad be on her side.

My mom said you're stronger than you think. Really? You're always the one making me weak daily so how am I stronger? It's threatening to them if you're strong/stronger and find ways to tear it down. I am a constant slut/hoe/***** to her for having a relationship and she thinks I am still a virgin which isn't true.

However, sex hasn't been good to me at all. I thought I handled it on my own, told my boyfriend, been trying to do breathing exercises like no tomorrow and I am a constant worry wort in fear. About what happen, I never spoken a word to anybody besides my boyfriend and kept it all in. I hate the fact that I can't enjoy great sex and that I still experience pain I am almost 29. I realized how that guy from 99 and past guys all took my power away and refuse to believe it was still taking control of my sex life. In the past, I did what the guys wanted so I could get a ride home and not be their hostage according to them so that was what I had to do and hated it. Sex was more about them than me as there was no equality. I didn't know what to call it rape, sexual abuse, or what.

I am just venting....

[Belutti]

I cannot possibly begin to understand how you must be feeling, although I would be indelicate if I did not say I am really sorry that you went through such horrible experiences and received little to no support.

There are ways one could define what happened, but do you think that would do you good? To categorize as just rape or sexual abuse? I do understand that you might feel the need to as we do so in society, but your ordeal is so much more complex and it has developed an issue through the years.

For starters, some would say you had a weak personality. That is clinically and morally absurd. That was not the issue that triggered everything. Quite the opposite, you're very, very strong. You are here right now looking for help, for advice, because you are strong.

You may not feel like it, but the fact that you've withstood this kind of psychological and physical abuse for over a decade and are here looking for help, meanwhile seeking a therapist, pardon me, that is quite a definition of strength. You are willing not to forget, nor to forgive, but to lay out the issue, and sort it out, and that is not an easy thing to do, yet you are willing to do such a thing.

I do agree that you should see a therapist about this because as I have mentioned before, this is a complex issue which, in my sincerest opinion, requires the input of a MHP despite your mentioned history. It is understandable that you might have had problems with previous MHPs, but I would ask you to, for instance, elucidate them to the new one you are going to in order for him/her to better understand what was it that triggered the issue. It is a way to start off a good relationship with a new MHP, by knowing what did not go very well with the previous ones. But do not push yourself, take your time, this is paramount.

Thank you for taking the time to read my response and I'd like to say and ingeminate that you're very strong on sharing your story, looking for help, seeking a specialist. I wish you all that is best and hope that what I have said be useful to you. Please, do not hesitate to talk (or vent, per your description) again, it is of great importance that you do.

[ladytiger]

Thanks. I had this ex boyfriend I was friends with him from high school and was scared to let him penetrate me and didn't tell him the truth I wish I did. I wanted to have sex with me, but I let him do me **** which I felt was better. I feel like I should have let the 1st guy just take my virginity and do me then I wouldn't have these painful sex problems. I envied other women that I knew who were having great sex with no worries, why am I always the one who ends up with every problem in the world?

[ladytiger]

I spoken to my boyfriend today about what happened me in more depth. I felt he might hate me if our sex life wasn't good and he said he doesn't hate me and it is not my fault that these men violated me. I told him I am just a scaredy cat, a worry wort, living in fear, etc.

I told my boyfriend how my mom is of zero help and I feel like I have to cover myself up (clothing wise) since all women are *****s. I asked him is my sex life doomed? He said no, it isn't. He was very understanding and helpful, I do need to speak to a woman someone who isn't my ex-therapist or my mom. I told boyfriend I want to have great sex with him and not be so tensed up when he penetrates me. I don't want these jerks to control my sex life and yea I knew as we had sex during our relationship how this pain has taken over me. The past guys talked to me like I was stupid, called me names, and were demanding about what they wanted. My sister said when I was 16, it was a violation.

I am still going through problems. My sister told me today how I am still not happy and still sunk in depression which is true told me the 2 idiots are the problem and you need to be free from them. I know, I am still praying to move out but still at a part time salary until I get full time somewhere soon. I also told my boyfriend what's disturbing that I never spoken to my sister about how I hate it when my dad is near me and I cringe. I never liked it when he was near me, I remember how he would pick me up, sit me on his lap, etc. Recently, she told me how our half sister the 1st born not my dad's daughter was molested/raped by him. Sister told me how mom felt that dad was touching half sister more than once before I was born.

Oct 09 after I was finishing up classes and getting ready to petition for graduation. Sister told me on the phone that her and mom got at it that I was sleeping in the morning before I got up he was out of the shower nude looking in my room. Mom's excuse is I told your father about doing that and he also looks like a little girls and teen girls. Isn't that disturbing enough as it is?!

[Belutti]

Hello again.

I'm glad to hear that you have got such a supportive, understanding and most of all human boyfriend on your side. I do believe that you and him working together on the issue, you will be able to overcome it together, and I can see that you have no intention of letting anyone control what you'll feel, what you'll do, what you want with anybody and that is a good feeling to have when fighting this. Don't ever forget this feeling. Don't ever let go of it.

I am sorry about your father. What I would suggest you do about this is besides seeking the professional help with a therapist, you should seek legal counseling about this. Besides being a tremendously serious emotional issue, it is also a very complicated legal one that must not be let go if possible. Whether or not should you do these at the same time, whether or not should you even take this advice or which one to do first, that is up to you, and only you can choose what is best for you. I shall only ask you that you consider the possibilities so that you may have a good progress with your course of treatment.

I shall ask that you do not blame yourself for this is not, by no chance, your fault. You did not do this, nor did you ask or provoke it. It is difficult to have problems, I can relate to that, especially in such a sensitive area of our lives, which is sex. I cannot answer 'why' things happened. In fact, most times there are no 'why's, which is saddening and gives closure to nobody. I can say, though, that you can recover, and I can say that I believe you will for I can see that you have the strength to do so inside of you.

Don't forget I believe in you, and even though you might not notice, so do you. As does your boyfriend. I wish you well. Please, keep posting as often as you feel like you need to. I am happy to help.

[ladytiger]

Hello. Another revelation I came to terms with is how my mom is also disgusting. She would look at me nude and it's disturbing. She would stare at my chest *****ing about I need a bra on, I am almost 29 yrs old! It's downright perverted when she looks and I can't seem to leave the house without some snide remark about not wearing a bra or panties.

Boyfriend told me last night damn, she is just as bad as your dad! I caught her looking at me I said what the hell are you staring at you perv? She screamed claiming she was thinking, really? My mom said she would like to marry a guy like my brother then said I would want to marry your brother, wtf?? Denied ever saying that! She has this incestrous thing for my brother that he is her knight and shining armor he should come rescue her from her miserable, funny how people don't find that to be gross. I was told oh a mother loves her son like he is her hubby?!? Again, how is that normal? She always yells my son, my son! My son loves his mother, my son will do this for me, etc.

My dad tries to flirt with young girls/teens right in front of my mom and all she could do is yell at him. The young girls here have picked up what he is doing and they went in the house. Next thing we knew, the men in their families were all outside waiting for my dad. I'm sorry, why does my car have to be vandalized over their stupidity? Such a hoe will go after anything doesn't mind if they are underage girls. you know, he tried to hit my mom when she screamed that one of the girls that used to live here was in high school? He told my mom that she is jealous lol. All my mom can use is I told your father blah blah I was gonna say he is 4 but yea he is!

She makes me feel slutty daily. i can't seem to wear revealing clothes without being told are you for sale? Grown adult! there are ways to dress sexy and look classy too. My mom felt wearing thongs is a hoe since I don't know how to dress right. Have you seen how she dresses? A slob, a homeless person! She is suppose to be rich, right? lol In the summer time, she looks terrible in shorts she's twice my weight. Her shorts in the crack of her ***, wore a shirt with holes saw parts of her bra showing, hair out of place like usual, doesn't bathe when she feels like it just like my dad, etc got the nerve to say I look bad?! She said she looks like that because she isn't looking to get a guy but jumps like some ***** seeing a hot black guy!

I wore a spaghetti strap one time she *****ed about the guys in our complex were looking, so? According to my parents, I am suppose to read minds and tell people what to do. People wonder why I am always covered up! you know, I feel like janet jackson remember back in the day how she was covered up in her old videos? Remember that one video in black and white she had it all out?