[IntellectualFrog87]

Well it all started when my mother got pregnant with me at 18 years old. She dropped acid a few times throughout her pregnancy with me, and I was born at 27 weeks and weighed 3 pounds 1 ounce. I was born with Hydrocephalus ( cerebrospinal fluid build up on the brain). My lung collapsed and I almost died. I didn't get to go home from the hospital until I was 3 months old. When I was around 8 months the doctors diagnosed me with Cerebral Palsy, I didn't start walking until I was almost 3 years and now I walk on my tip-toes. My mom would always get mad at me because I was slower at learning things or completing tasks. She would yell at me and call me all kinds of names. At around the age of 10 she started to get a really bad addiction to pills. That's when she started to beat me with plastic hangers. Anytime she woke up in a pissed off mood she would take it out on me by yelling at me in my face for hours. When I turned 12 and Eminem came out she tried her hardest to stop me from listening to him but it never worked. I never seen where it made any difference because the curse words he used I already heard from her yelling at me. My dad and mom got a divorce before I was born but my father was always in my life. My step-father was awesome because he would get me out of the house when my mom would start going to nuts if he was home from work and seen it. She liked to do it when it was just me her and my baby brother. Also when I was 12 I got sick with my Hydrocephalus and was in and out of the hospital until I was 16. She wouldn't come see me for days because she was "too sick" to get out of bed. ( which meant she was out of her pills). i felt abandoned At 14 I tried to commit suicide because I couldn't handle the pain of the beatings she would give me with plastic hangers or the names she would call me "piece of ****" "*****" "slut"... When it didn't work I threw my life into Eminem's music. Nothing could hurt me as long as I had his music. Whenever she would start in I would lock myself into my room and turn on The Marshall Mathers LP and just vibe out. At 16 I moved into my aunt's house to get away from her but a few months later me and my aunt didn't see eye to eye and she kicked me out. I had to move back into my mother's house. That's when I was 17 and I seen her overdose for the first time. I got so scared and called 911 because I didn't know what else to do. She ended up getting mad at me for calling. We got into a fight one night and I ran away to my best friends house and she called the cops. They came to my friends home and the cop told me I HAD TO GO BACK with her. I told them if I went back with her she would kill me. So they said I could go to the rap house. Which is a home for troubled kids, I was there 2 weeks and she came to visit me once like 2 days after I got there so I was still extremely pissed off. I wasn't allowed to call anyone but her so I mostly just stayed to myself. The day I got to go home me and my mom got into a fight and my aunt let me move back in with her. On April 5th,2005 I met a young man on the internet that would change my life. We started dating on April 17th,2005 and October 8th,2005 I moved in with him. My whole family said that we would never make it because we were moving to fast. April 17th,2006 we were married exactly 1 year to the day that we started dating. My mom was in jail so she missed it and my mom's whole side of the family didn't come. It was just my dad,step-father and my dad's sister. On my husband's side was just his mom and best friend. We ended up getting pregnant and my due date was April 12,2007 just 5 days before our 1st anniversary. I was so excited. When I was around 9 weeks I started bleeding and having bad cramps. I found out I was having a tubal pregnancy. I had surgery and ended up losing both my baby and my tube. We were told that there is a 98% chance I could have another. I was devastated, especially when my aunt was due 1 month before I was and she had her lil girl. Whenever I see my lil cousin I hurt inside so much. I now suffer from Chronic migraines, Scoliosis, Depression, PTSD and Fibromyalgia and my husband is sick ever since he got his gallbladder taken out in 2011. My mother passed away on April 5,2014 exactly 9 years to the day that I met my husband. I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to feel on that day I didn't go watch her die because she did this to herself plus she treated me like ****, My aunt and grandfather got mad at me but oh well that was my choice. I miss her but I'm relieved that the abuse has stopped. But ever since she passed I have been having nightmares of the things I went through

[CANDC]

IntellectualFrog87, glad you have found your way to Psych Central. Sorry for all the pain and trauma you experienced.

You may have found other forums, but there are also articles if there are subjects of special interest to you.
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[RainbowG]

You've been through some really painful experiences, but you're a survivor.

I can understand your conflict about your mother's death. A lot of us feel that way. My mother (who I'm not in contact with) recently told my sister that she doesn't want me to feel bad about not reconciling with her when she dies. (Just to be clear, my Mom's in her 70s but healthy as a horse. This is her being Drama Mama.) I told my sister that I honestly don't think I'll feel bad when she passes away. I'll be sad that we couldn't have a healthy relationship, but I won't regret removing her from my life.

Nightmares are very common when you're healing. When I started in 2008, I had horrible nightmares. It's part of healing. It's like your brain is flushing out the dark, disturbing stuff. It could go on for a while, but again, that's part of the healing. Are you going to therapy? If not, it might be a good idea to get some support, not just for what happened with your mother but also to heal emotionally from your pregnancy.

Hang in there. I know it's hell now, but as you work through the pain, it gets easier.