Realisation of definate sexual abuse...

Hi,

I have not been on this site for a while. The last time I was here, I had a few very hazy memories of seemingly inappropriate stuff. Since then, it was like a dam suddenly broke. All of a sudden, I had memories which were increasingly more specific, and this continued for a couple of weeks. these are memories of things that apparently constitute sexual abuse- I was about 12/13, and the other person these memories were about was 19/20. I feel like I am trying to normalise that in my head.

Even my sister confirmed the time period that a specific person was always in my room with me for hours a day, but even without that confirmation, I know that this is true. What also freaks me out is that I now remember my mother acting suspicious and asking questions like 'why's the door always closed?' at the time, which is just awful to think she may have had an idea about what was going on.

I was shocked by the physical reactions that accompanied the recollections- I wretched and literally felt physically ill. I rarely feel stuff in that way. I normally just naturally dissociate. I remember thinking that it was like an exorcism!
I have had very severe dissociation my whole life- I didn't really know how bad it was, as I was so used to it ,it became my 'normal.' Since recollecting this stuff, I have felt different. I was almost immediately less disassociated. Or maybe I was less dissociated and thats why I remembered it? It's hard tpo know what came first I guess. I feel more 'in my body' now, and the difference in the way it feels to how I was before, makes me realise that I completely detached from my body many years ago.

I also have memories about other relatives although only one other specific memory about someone else which scares me, and the rest is vague like it was with this person when it first started coming back to me. I am scared the same thing is going to happen again and the dam will break again and memories will flood in.
It just goes to show how someone's brain can just make itself 'forget'. Whats interesting is that I now remember that after it all happened, I had intrusive images-I would be at school or wherever, and images would pop up like a veil over my eyes- things like coloured condoms and I would train myself to stop things about it, and try to focus on something else or repat other stuff until it went away. I think that's how I 'forgot' it in the first place.

That was a bit of a vent.Do any of you guys relate to this? I can barely believe it, because I w=always thought that was the one thing that hadn't happened to me. However, I iterally have no doubt that it is true.

I am unsure what to do regarding counselling now, as I feel my counsellor is kind of incompetent to be honest, but then I feel bad because she is such a pleasant person. I have mentioned the sexual abuse to her, although I couldn't go into any details at all because I was so embarrassed to talk about it. When i told her that I had one specific memory about someone else and she asked me who it was and I told her, she went 'well, I had always got that feeling about them' which freaked me the hell out, because I want to believe this other memory about someone else is not true!!

I am happy to be back here. I love this site. Hugs to everyone

i am concerned about how you feel about your counselor. if you feel she is incompetent, then you are going to have a difficult time working through your issues with her. i feel it is so important to have a therapist who specializes in trauma and dissociation to deal with this stuff. i was working with a phd that i felt was very good. i worked with him for years. he took me from total insanity to stable. but he never addressed my abuse and my anxiety just increased to where i was suffering so every day. it took a lot for me to leave him because he was so nice and had done so much for me, but he just wasnt being effective. i got someone who specialized in trauma and dissociation and my anxiety went away shortly after.

one thing i really hate is when my therapist brings up my abuser like that. clarifying that they are guilty. i dont know why it weirds me out so. i just had to say that.

I can relate to the physical experience you report having, though for me it was over the realization of the extent of the emotional abuse I went through. I'm also a sexual abuse survivor, but that realization came later. I would lie on the bed and wretch, as if I were having a spasm, though there was no pain. I would let out groans of despair. I would cry.

For me, it was my body expressing my anger, which I'd suppressed for years (this all happened when I was 38, so I'd been denying the anger for that long). It was uncomfortable but healing. I felt cleansed afterwards.

I've also had body memories of the sexual abuse which have made me sort of spasm. I could literally feel my mother's hands all over me (she was my main sexual abuser).

The fact that you didn't dissociate when these memories came is a sign of strength and healing. I know it's painful, but it's better that the memories come. They're so damaging to us when they're suppressed.

Like kaliope, I'm concerned about your therapist. I've also had the experience of having a therapist I liked a lot but didn't really understand the issues I was dealing with. I realized that when she suggested that my abusive parents may have changed due to old age and what if I just accepted them for who they are? A therapist who understands abuse wouldn't say such things.

Sexual abuse and dissociation are very serious issues to deal with. What she said about the person whom you remember abusing you was, in my opinion, inappropriate. It almost sounds like she was trying to prove how intuitive she was. I agree that a trauma or abuse therapist is the best choice. If you can't find someone like that then it might be worth your while to at least find a therapist who's either dealt with sexual abuse survivors or who understands the seriousness of the issue.