[Sojourner777]

Quickly:

Married 26 years to one woman. Over that time constant belittling, control, extreme jealousy, which became worse. "Kitchen sinking" became evident. Always brought up same 2-3 incidents where I did not introduce her to a couple of people and an incident where I said hello to a pretty neighbor (that's all that happened!).

We have two grown kids, one 14-year-old son. She is from the Philippines.

In last seven years, had to change channel all the time because female newsreader, female in ad, etc. Accusations of looking at girls all the time when walking outside (not aware of it). Always needed to hold her had 24/7 or else the "silent treatment." She would get angry at me claiming women were looking at me. Never could go to the beach or walk past cafes since pretty women might be sitting there.

She is totally obsessed with boobs and cleavage and even insisted her cousin remove a picture from his FB page of a girl with a bikini, which is the point at which I said enough is enough and told her to leave.

Cannot touch on tender topics our of fear. I cannot respond without risking a big blow-up. Arguments very volatile and end in her tear and/or tantrums. One time spat in my face, picked up a knife. Calls me loser and very critical. Tantrums involve kicking and breaking things, crying, screeching, crazy look in the eyes liking an 8-year-old child. Seriously!!!

In a few words: tiring, draining and high maintenance marriage. Have not had any male friends during most of my marriage.

I couldn't take it any more last year in October (please, no judgment on me). I asked her to leave indefinitely or I would go insane. I met a girl (after that) for friendship. She is the opposite of my wife in almost everything: gentle, not jealous, kind. I am not asking for opinions on this *please*. She is a Christian, as am I. We do not have sex, although we kiss and hug a bit. I feel very guilty about this, but please withhold your judgement since I feel bad about this.

I also had panic disorder/agoraphobia by coincidence for the last 25 years. Since she left, have reduced medication and anxiety dissipated. I stopped taking Xanax and reduced my other medication. I feel I could go off them entirely within 6 months. I sleep well and feel liberated.

I spoke with her today. She is still blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Now I am a cheater (I actually told her I was going to meet this girl, believe it or not, for honesty). I am to blame for her poor spirituality over the years and apparently she was not irrationally jealous and has no disorders of any kind, she believes. I am to blame for making her miserable and her not getting a job, etc. etc. I could go on.

Am I really losing the plot here, or am I really better of out of this marriage? I feel so guilty for even talking to someone else while still married, and yet feel a strange sense of peace about it all. She is still giving me the silent treatment and tells all her friends about me under the guise of "prayer requests", but in reality just a chance to spill the beans about my infidelity.

I don't want tit-for-tat. I just want to move on. I feel so confused about everything that I sometimes don't know who to turn to for advice. My wife sneakily asked a pastor to talk to me, even though she said he was the last person on earth she would talk to since he abandoned his wife for two years, joined a cult and told his wife he wished she was dead.

Worse, now is she is very sanctimonious and seems to be sitting at the right hand of God and said that I would be judged, following Satan, she is totally forgiven, I would not have a good life, and would have no peace and be judged by God etc. All the way she is still aggressive, angry, belligerent, sarcastic, critical, harsh, etc. etc.

Sigh. What to do? Am I still in touch with reality or what? Any advice (except judgment, please) welcome.

[CANDC]

Hi Sojourner, welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you are having so many difficulties with your marriage. It sounds like you are separated, but not divorced. Your wife is acting like she might be trying to get you back. You seem to have guilt about seeking comfort with another woman since apparently you are still married. Is there a reason why you do not finalize the annulment of your marriage? Are you at a point of no going back?

Having a counselor or therapist would be very helpful in sorting out the past so you can move on to other horizons. As long as the conflicts are inside, people outside, like your wife can trigger them.

There are other forums that might be of interest.
Relationships & Communication - Forums at Psych Central

Forums at Psych Central

[kaliope]

hi sojourner
you seem to be the one in touch with reality. yes,this sounds very much like an abusive relationship. just look at how well you are faring without her there. that should indicate something. she is being manipulative in trying to make you feel guilty into staying in the relationship. do not fall into this trap. any woman in this situation would be advised to leave. it should be no different for a man. do you want to live the rest of your life in that conflict or do you want out and to find happiness? welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Sojourner777]

Yeah, I do have guilt about seeking comfort from someone else because of my spiritual beliefs. I did not plan to find someone, but that's what happened. Maybe I am deceiving myself on that one, who knows? But I just wanted to know if there were actually decent people out there because my understanding of right and wrong were so cloudy and opaque.

I don't want to go back because I don't believe she has changed. It would just be more of the same and pain I cannot bear. I need some advice on whether or not I should bail out of this one and if I'm doing the right thing. I cannot get advice easily and I live in Malaysia as an ex-pat and there are cultural issues here that make that difficult.

I want to see if anyone agrees that I have been subjected to emotional abuse. That's probably what I need to find out. I feel like I cannot get that from anyone. I have no friends in the real world since I have been cut off and isolated from them years ago. I need to know if my instincts are correct and that getting out is the best option for me.

I believe I could possibly even get an annulment rather than a divorce, but I need to find out if anyone agrees that what she has done constitutes abuse and if leaving is the best option. I have read many books on this topic and seriously do believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder combined with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She denies it all, of course, and presents the side she wants people to see. She just simply lies and slanders constantly

[Sojourner777]

Kaliope, thank you for that. I felt that too, but can never be sure. I hope other readers can voice their opinions rather than just read and then passing on by.

[Sojourner777]

Sorry, forgot to mention that divorce in Australia takes at least 16 months, conservatively, which includes 12 months of separation needed. I have been officially separated since early October.