[alwaysrunning]

It seems to me everyone here has been to a doc or prof. of some sort. I haven't....EVER, I was supposed to when I was in JR high...but I quit school instead.
I dont even know if I am depressed or what I am....I scored a 81 on the test (not that that matters anyways)
heres a bit of my "story" you be the judge if I should talk or not....
I never know where to begin....I guess at the begining, I was born in Edmonton, (and thats probably all I honestly know about my childhood, that is true, if you have enough patience to read this all Im sure you'll know why) My mom said I was premature, (I doubt it) she said I almost died at birth and that I was in the hospital for 3 months after I was born ( I doubt it!) My Dad wont tell me anything...although he did say I was sick. Whatever, it doesnt matter.
when I was 3 I fell into a fire...this I know to be true...I have the scares, and I remember laying in the fire, I remember the lady who pulled me out, and I remember them ripping my clothes off, I've been having this dream lately that my Mom is telling me that she threw me into it...in my dream shes laughing saying "you know 1...2...3eeeeee" whatever what does that matter either?
My mom is a drug addict....she is now addicted to morphine, she takes enough as a 90 lbs lady to kill a 200 lbs man...just accustomed to it, anyone who knows anything about drugs will know what Im talking about. she use to, when I was a kid take coke and everything she could get her hands on.
I am the youngest of 3 girls in my family, she use to keep me home from school so I could watch her on her "trips" I remember being 7....she was on a bad trip, she was chasing a little green man, she told me to get a cup, so I got her one...she was sitting in the middle of the floor in the kitchen, she was yelling at me get it get it....I thought she was playing...so I tried to help her....but I missed it, I got the crap beat outta me...then she sat there and cryed, I never told anyone.
She and my Dad were married and she would take me to her boyfriends, all the time, she would tell me "this is our secret hunny, dont tell anyone and you and me, well go out for icecream (i never got the ice cream) she and Dad broke up MANY times....she always took me with her when she left, I remember being left with drug dealler in other towns...I had no clue where she was, or my sisters or my dad...it was just me with these people I didnt know.....she always went back to Dad though.
I remember in grade 6, we had to journal in school...I wrote about what happened that morning when I walked out the door for school. I wrote about how my mom had told me that if I see Tony...not to tell Him she slept in the bedroom with Daddy...it was like a light went off, I got it, that is when I figured it out...she was a ....... (all this while we attended church EVERY sunday, and bible study EVERY wednessday) that summer my oldest sister got married at 16...she couldnt handle it anymore! she found an excape.that summer was one of the many times I was raped (this one stands out for reasons you will see later) It was thanksgiving, we were invited over to friends after church, we went, Dad left early, mom took me and said she was gunna go see a friend....I sat in the car cause she said she would only be a minute....an hour later, the middle sister drove by with a friend, she asked where mom was...I told her at her friends...she said thats her boyfriend....shes been sleeping with him for 3 months...I went balistic...I went to the door ...he answered in a housecoat,I said where the ............. is my mom, she came to the door and I called her every name I could think of at the age of 12. I told her I was going with my sister home to tell dad, somehow she convinced me to go home with her. I cant still believe that she would just leave me sitting in the car while she..... anyway we got home and she told dad, then she left.....Dad blamed me, he always said if it wasnt for you, it wouldnt be like this, needless to say the church life was over, I tryed to live with my mom and her boyfriend, he always beat her up...and he got me into drugs, kicked me out, and they moved outta town....I moved into my dads house but he said I reminded him too much of my mom.And he Left town to work, I still stayed at his house with my older sister, who was 15, she was the boss dad gave her money for what was supposed to be food, but she bought coke and sold it out of his house. dad would give her money for clothes anytime she batted her eyelashes....he wouldnt even buy my school suplies....I was extreemly suicidal. I left, I quit school (hence the spelling problems) I lived on the streets, I was with this older guy...who was in to wierd stuff, but he went to church one sunday...and invited me to come out that night, I had been to church...I was up for it, Everything was lookin up, I moved in with this INCREADABLE lady, she was, is awesome, she opened her home to me, she was a single mom, she was/ is a prayer warrior, she loved me and tryed her best to help me.(I love her more then Ill ever be able to say.)the church I attened had an awesome youth group, we met daily....then this guy showed up..it was the guy who raped me, he should not have been there he was 30 ish...and this was a youth group...I freaked, I asked about him and why he was there...they said he got saved and he wanted to help with the youth, I thought wow thats great, if God forgives him I have to too....but I thought that forgiving and trusting were the same thing....stupid!....it happened again, I told the Pastor, he said he knew about his past and he would deal with it.....that sunday...the guy who raped me was still there.....as the pastor watched kevin(this guy) walked over to me and hugged me....the pastor didnt do anything about it....I wasnt worth standing up for. I left the church...went back to the streets, back to druds....only was farther down.
I got married at 19 because I thought no one would ever love me. we lived a heathen life of sin...He would force me to have sex with other people....I would beg him Please I only love you Please dont make me do this.....but I was always afaid he would leave me if I didnt. I got pregnant, the last straw was when I had a friend over and my husband walked over to her grabbed her and kissed her and took her to bed him, although it was supposed to be a "group" activity i couldnt, i went and laid with my daughter and cried...(and died)....
theres so many blank spaces in my life....periods of time that are missing.
how do I "feel" what makes me think I might be depressed...I feel lost and hopeless, I can go from one extreem to the next in a heart beat. I spend weeks crying and never leaving my house.I dont want to build any real relationships.
I can get suisidal but never really too serious, Just want to die. I just want to curl up and die....my "heart" is....I dont even know what to say Im so upset I feel physically sick, nauseous, I cant even discribe it....It feels like my whole insides are ripped out..... just have no purpose in life

[Evangelista]

((((Alwaysrunning))))

I am sorry you have had to go thru so much pain and abuse by people who are suppose to care and nuture you.

I hope that you will find others here to support and listen as you strive to find purpose and meaning in your life, along with healing the hurt of abuse. It does help to share in a supportive enviroment, with others who can empathize.

Welcome to PC

((((((((((((((((always)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

im so sorry for ur pain

welcome to pc
hope u find the support here helpful

[InACorner]

*Jumps up and down raising her hand saying OOOOO OOOO*

I didnt go pick me pick me!!!! hehe...I, thankfully unlike many others, have not gone to therapy. I am sorry your in pain and if you need me pm me...i cant really write a book cuz i should be leaving instead of typing hehe...alrighty ....your in my thoughts. Ill come back
love, Inny