I was abused as a baby tot since 2, by my loving mother who knew no better thinking she was teaching me right from wrong with a wooden spoon giving me licks. What resulted from this is a fragmented life filled with bad self image, PTSD, no social skills, and a type of multiple personality complex. I was then bullied by my parents till I finally graduated high school and moved out. I spent my life getting beat, bouncing off walls and begging for my life. All this while dealing with a bipolar illness undetected till I was 43.

It wasn't till I was 25 years or so before I came out of my cocoon of which I became a full blown cocaine addict and an alcoholic. I'm 47 still drinking, and still fragmented. I was a drifter, in and out of jails, a real low life trying to kill himself with all the drugs and booze, destroying other lives as I go.

Moms and dads, don't beat your babies, ever.

[jelly-bean]

What happened to you as a baby and while you were growing up was horrible! I truly hope that you are in therapy and can eventually learn how to work through the pain and anger you are still feeling. You are in my prayers.

Thanks. It has defintely screwed me up. All the anger and pain is buried in layers of fragments that I'm numb to it. Last time I tapped it, I ended up depersonalizing and cutting myself. It was so bad I ended up in the hospital. Since then we have reburied the memory to the dark recesses of my inner mind. So I may be a hundred people, I'm not in pain.

[Bluegrey]

((AlwaysChanging2))

My mother also dealt out physical punishment. I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I'm now having therapy to deal with some things, including csa by strangers - her reactions to it didn't help.

I can understand wanting to leave memories buried, though I'm taking a bit of a different path from you as it seems there's a part of me that needs to deal with it all.

I hope that you can find some way to live at peace with yourself and have some happiness.


Bluegrey

Originally Posted by Bluegrey

((AlwaysChanging2))

My mother also dealt out physical punishment. I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I'm now having therapy to deal with some things, including csa by strangers - her reactions to it didn't help.

I can understand wanting to leave memories buried, though I'm taking a bit of a different path from you as it seems there's a part of me that needs to deal with it all.

I hope that you can find some way to live at peace with yourself and have some happiness.


Bluegrey

Thanks. Coping skills are different for everyone. When I was a tot, all I knew was to dissassociate and be someone else. This kept up through out my life.

Other people in the same situation just deals with it and move on. I couldn't. When I deal with it, I cave in. I become suicidal, drink tons of rum, and draw blood ending up in a hospital. I have almost no memory from my past. Even yesterday is a dream.

I just live in the present and consider the past gone. Will I get fixed? I doubt it. This is my normal. I'm good with that. Alters are my friends. We do all right, most of the time.