Do some people just need to be abused at times?

IndestructibleGirl · Feb 13, 2015 at 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Even the basic fact that you think one needs to experience MORE abuse in order to heal indicates that you need a lot of help. I say it with empathy. I don't recall if you are in therapy but if not I hope you will be.

I do understand WANTing abuse either because that is all u know or because of other unhealthy unconscious needs but no one NEEDS abuse to get better

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't want it anymore - that was actually my biggest therapeutic achievement, that I stopped wanting these dysfunctional relationships with men.

But, for me, there was something I needed from those men at the time (the paternal attention and affection that I hadn't ever had, and don't need nowadays) and it was intertwined with abusive behaviours.

Skywalking · Feb 13, 2015 at 04:53 PM

Abuse is never needed, or deserved, or right.

People, however, are resilient and can take horrible experiences and learn from them, find a way to grow from it. That is admirable and I would call it a silver lining...but it's better to have a sunny day than any clouds at all.

I believe you when you say you got something you needed to learn from those experiences, but that doesn't mean it was okay for you to have to go through that. There were and are other ways you could have learned what you needed to learn that didn't involve abuse. I am glad that you were able to take something positive from dreadful situations, though. It's like squeezing the pulp of the last bit of orange rind, you might get some juice but it's going to be bitter and not at all the sweetness you deserve.

divine1966 · Feb 13, 2015 at 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I don't want it anymore - that was actually my biggest therapeutic achievement, that I stopped wanting these dysfunctional relationships with men.

But, for me, there was something I needed from those men at the time (the paternal attention and affection that I hadn't ever had, and don't need nowadays) and it was intertwined with abusive behaviours.

I think you mean that you had unhealthy need for abuse not that you actually NEED it

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

IndestructibleGirl · Feb 13, 2015 at 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think you mean that you had unhealthy need for abuse not that you actually NEED it

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

No, that is not quite what I mean. I am obviously doing a bad job at explaining.

I needed all the good bits of these 'Daddy' guys - the affection, attention, attachment, the whole dynamic. Paradoxically, the dynamic was also abusive in specific ways, at specific times. The trade off was getting the things I needed to experience at some point in my lifetime, having the experience of what it was like to be in a paternal dynamic.

IndestructibleGirl · Feb 13, 2015 at 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skywalking

Abuse is never needed, or deserved, or right.

People, however, are resilient and can take horrible experiences and learn from them, find a way to grow from it. That is admirable and I would call it a silver lining...but it's better to have a sunny day than any clouds at all.

I believe you when you say you got something you needed to learn from those experiences, but that doesn't mean it was okay for you to have to go through that. There were and are other ways you could have learned what you needed to learn that didn't involve abuse. I am glad that you were able to take something positive from dreadful situations, though. It's like squeezing the pulp of the last bit of orange rind, you might get some juice but it's going to be bitter and not at all the sweetness you deserve.

I'm not actually sure there were, for me. The whole Daddy thing was something I had to do, even though with hindsight I can see the unhealthy parts and would not dream of going back to that again.

divine1966 · Feb 13, 2015 at 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

No, that is not quite what I mean. I am obviously doing a bad job at explaining.

I needed all the good bits of these 'Daddy' guys - the affection, attention, attachment, the whole dynamic. Paradoxically, the dynamic was also abusive in specific ways, at specific times. The trade off was getting the things I needed to experience at some point in my lifetime, having the experience of what it was like to be in a paternal dynamic.

I understand that is what you had or have in your life I just don't know if you understand how unhealthy it is. There is no paternal daddy dynamics in healthy relationship with male partner. Looking for daddy in sexual partners is unhealthy. One doesn't need that. It is unfortunate one has it

You can have attention and affection and protection from men without them being "daddies".

I think people all says the same thing to you because many of us endured abuse, we wished we didn't have it in our lives. It triggers something to think that Someone believes they actually needed it fir whatever reason. I was verbally and emotionally abused and no freaking way I needed that Shyt in my life none of us do

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

RedEagle · 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlycat

Need to be abused? No.

Need to work through the abuse via a relationship? Yes.

However there is a difference between "working through" and compulsively re-living it.
I say that in empathy, not judgement, because I have similar impulses.

It may feel like the abuse is helping you master your past but it is an illusion.

This. Re-living abusive relationships from the past is a curse, not a benefit, it's like aftershocks.

divine1966 · Feb 14, 2015 at 04:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedEagle

This. Re-living abusive relationships from the past is a curse, not a benefit, it's like aftershocks.

Yup

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Skywalking · Feb 14, 2015 at 10:32 AM

I don't agree, I believe there are many paths to the lessons we learn, but that comes down to personal belief and I won't force mine on you. But I do wonder, is it possible that part of the reason you seem to feel that you needed to go through that abuse is because you're trying to find a way to explain why it happened, and justify your own actions instead of accepting them without passing judgement on yourself? But I could also be off base here.

What matters is it's over, you aren't in those situations, you're looking toward better relationships where you won't be abused. I know what it's like to learn stuff the hard way. Just take care of yourself, okay?

Feb 28, 2015 at 04:15 PM

i don't think abuse is ever 'needed'. i agree that it Fs you up.

RedEagle · 04:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I don't want it anymore - that was actually my biggest therapeutic achievement, that I stopped wanting these dysfunctional relationships with men.

But, for me, there was something I needed from those men at the time (the paternal attention and affection that I hadn't ever had, and don't need nowadays) and it was intertwined with abusive behaviours.

Sounds like unmet emotional needs from childhood. This is the sort of thing that causes emotional abuse in the first place. People whose parents failed to meet their childhood emotional needs grow up and end up using other people to try to get those needs met. They're attempting to get needs met from the wrong sources because the proper sources screwed up. Those needs don't go away just because they were unmet.

Open Eyes · Mar 02, 2015 at 10:10 AM

A true father figure is supposed to set an example for a daughter of a man who is capable of being responsible and providing as well as understanding how to respect the mother. But, also having the capacity to be loving to the children and give them encouragement to grow and have good self esteem. He is supposed to provide a "safe" environment for his wife and children as well.

Your exposure was basically learning how to accept abuse, even sexually. That is not anything one would really want to have as a life partner or father to their children.

divine1966 · Mar 02, 2015 at 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

A true father figure is supposed to set an example for a daughter of a man who is capable of being responsible and providing as well as understanding how to respect the mother. But, also having the capacity to be loving to the children and give them encouragement to grow and have good self esteem. He is supposed to provide a "safe" environment for his wife and children as well.

Your exposure was basically learning how to accept abuse, even sexually. That is not anything one would really want to have as a life partner or father to their children.

Excellent post

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Our community offers: No spam. No trolls. No social media connections.

Do some people just need to be abused at times?

My Support Forums

Anonymous100185 Guest Posts: n/a	Feb 28, 2015 at 04:15 PM #30 i don't think abuse is ever 'needed'. i agree that it Fs you up.
	Reply With Quote