[broken_girl123]

I posted this in the teen's lounge as well but i didn't get any advice. I'm 15 years old and according to people who know about my situation, I've already been in a verbally abusive relationship. I met this guy last year and he was so sweet and caring and amazing. I thought we could be something. He told me how much he cared about me and soon how much he loved me. I guess i wanted to believe him, and i did, at least part of me did. But then things changed, he changed. He started pointing out every little mistake i would make and get mad at me for it. We would have these arguments that would last forever that i could never win. It was always my fault, and if i thought otherwise, he would yell at me or argue with me until i thought it was. It was like walking on eggshells with him. I would say one word, not even related to any argument we had ever had, and he would go "do you really wanna start that argument again?". I guess i was scared of him because i didn't know what he was capable of doing. I was scared of him yelling at me or hitting me or worse. But in his eyes, and even mine most of the time, i shouldn't have said or done something that made him so mad in the first place, or, i should just learn how to take a joke. I guess it all stuck with me because i still feel very guilty. Haven't talked to him in over 5 months but i still feel guilty for being mad, for being scared, for everything that happened between us. Guess i just need some advice.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

speaking from 30+ years of experience from where you are, my advice is to quietly make plans to leave him and then do it.

You've taken a great first step by talking to us about how things are. Please also talk to others IRL: parent, teacher, family friend... and then make some phone calls to domestic violence crisis lines. They will help you understand that what you allow to happen at 15 will almost inevitably be very, very bad by the time you are 30. Broken bones, no one to talk to because someone has isolated you from loved ones, no self esteem, etc.

Please don't take this lightly. You are in danger now, and you'll need help to understand why you are even questioning whether this rs is ok. It's not.

Be safe.

[broken_girl123]

Originally Posted by ShaggyChic_1201

speaking from 30+ years of experience from where you are, my advice is to quietly make plans to leave him and then do it.

You've taken a great first step by talking to us about how things are. Please also talk to others IRL: parent, teacher, family friend... and then make some phone calls to domestic violence crisis lines. They will help you understand that what you allow to happen at 15 will almost inevitably be very, very bad by the time you are 30. Broken bones, no one to talk to because someone has isolated you from loved ones, no self esteem, etc.

Please don't take this lightly. You are in danger now, and you'll need help to understand why you are even questioning whether this rs is ok. It's not.

Be safe.

Thank you for your advice! I have distanced myself from him completely. We ended on a bad note which scared me a lot but i haven't spoken to him for almost 6 months. We still go to the same school and cross paths sometimes which also scares me but i try to avoid him and go unnoticed by him. I think now I'm dealing with the after effects of it all. It just seems like it really wasn't that big of a deal and that I'm over exaggerating it. Is that normal?

[Open Eyes]

Hi broken girl, well, it sounds like you had a relationship with a guy who is struggling with his own "low" self esteem issues. YOU cannot feel guilty for that my dear, not your fault. At your age, your peirs are just trying to figure themselves out, as you are too and in that process can struggle in relationships and the boundaries of others.

What can help you is to make a list, you can even do that here, of the ways "he" invaded your boundaries because from the little I have read he "did" do that. Then when you have that list, you can begin to learn how his actions were reflecting "his" issues and had very little to do with "you".

You are afraid of him and feel guilty because you just did not "know" how to identify the toxic behaviors he presented to you. This is something a lot of peirs your age have to slowly learn about, it's just where this age group happens to be developmentally.

A lot of the negative behavior problems come from how guys like him are and have been witnessing how his parents interact with each other, and towards him as well. Often this isn't even really something the individual themselves really recognizes, but is just typical behavior patterns they have seen/heard take place and can often become go to reactions from that exposure. Wanting a relationship and actually knowing "how" to have one is something your age group is just experimenting with and honestly don't really "know how to do". Also, this age group is still very much in their own little world, which is "normal for the stage of development", so there can be a lot of "not seeing your hurt/hurt of others" taking place because one is so much in their own world still. Females tend to be a bit more mature than the males at this age, and the males tend to express themselves more with anger too because they just feel so awkward, males don't like that so they express behaviors that seem mean and will even "avoid" the female altogether sometimes. Some guys choose to even be mean to the very girls they have a crush on too. That is because they don't like how "they" feel, it feels too vulnerable and uncomfortable. To make it even harder? Well, guys your age are changing a great deal hormonally, and can be aggressive at times, even depressed at times because their hormonal levels are all over the place.

So, make sure you are not "self blaming" too much because these next few years are going to be all about learning, and "not knowing" too.

((Hugs))
OE

you did absolutely nothing wrong. that guy sounds horrible. please don't blame yourself; the whole situation was entirely his fault. you have the right to be respected and treated kindly. xxx