[Triffic]

My mind is dancing to various tunes of thought. As I sit and take in the late South African Autumn sun, my lungs inhale a cancerous habit my late Grandmother always warned me about. I am almost thirty seven years of age you know and come to think of it, no warnings ever stopped me from trying everything, anything and nothing … So let me rather start from the beginning to help you understand why my present seems to be haunted by my past for today (but only today) I honestly believe that there is no such thing as honest and sincere love …

I was born on the 9th of June 1976 in Pretoria or rather, Tshwane – no wait, with all the court cases rolling in and out I wouldn’t want us to be fully focused on South African politics, so let us rather agree to disagree that I was indeed born somewhere on this continent. I was seen as a hearing gift to my Deaf parents, an Earth Angel if you’d like. Little did I know that I was already branded as a white female who is bi-cultural, bi-lingual only to fly out of my closet at age sixteen to announce to the world that I was bi-sexual too – and now that I look back I can’t help but wonder how I ever got b(i)y! Growing up, South African Sign Language (SASL) was my home language, followed by Afrikaans and then English. A difficult task it was when this little sponge of mine had to absorb everything. It took a good three years before I could announciate words properly in Afrikaans. English took another good ten years before I really understood and grasped its “complexity”, grammar and everything in between. SASL on the other hand was and still is such a beautiful, expressive and visual language … Something most people will never understand! Growing up as a CODA (Child of Deaf Adults) my world consisted of innocence and pure visual stimulation. I learned to absorb everything by sight but never really knew how to communicate or even express it verbally, until my first sexual encounter, which changed my world from childhood into adulthood overnight.

As per norm, my brother and I would go and visit my Grandmother at their Hammanskraal plot during school holidays. I never looked forward in seeing my Grandfather for he was the typical “I am the man of the house Afrikaner”, always drinking himself into a stupor and then taking his own insecurities out on all those he supposedly loved. The following morning blue haled bodies would be a great reminder of his sickening art.
It was then, on a hot summer’s day when my Grandmother asked me to run up and call my Grandfather to come down to the house for lunch. My little three year old feet couldn’t wait to run up, plotting down traces of me as I nearly wrote myself off around the first corner. As I happily bounced around on my imaginary bike the rest of the way, I slowed down as I approached his workshop. My pale yellow coloured dress was covered in dust as my eyes scanned for any movement. It was quiet all around. I slowly tip toed toward the entrance of his workshop and hoarsely called out to him. There was no answer and I dared enter his grease filled palace. I called out to him again, this time a little louder. I didn’t even have a chance to explain myself when his head popped out around the corner. He had a strange look in his eyes and at that moment I thought I was going to get a hiding for entering. He casually called me closer with his index finger and I obeyed. My hands were clutched to my dress as I slowly walked towards the sweaty old man. I stood in front of him, my eyes locked onto the size of his shoes. In a convincing and friendly voice he greeted me, picked me up and placed me onto one of his workbenches. Even if the smell of oil, alcohol and sweat was overwhelming, I smiled for it was rare to see him that friendly. He touched my cheek with his fingers and told me what an amazing and clever little girl I was and that he wanted to share a secret with me. I was extremely excited and clapped my hands for I was going to share something with my Grandfather that no one else would ever know of – like treasure to a pirate ship. He placed his hands on my legs and pushed up my dress, telling me not to be scared. He massaged my upper legs for a few seconds as one of his own hands unzipped his pants. I didn’t know what secret we were about to share for I couldn’t understand what was happening. The next thing I saw scared me so! A million year old turtle neck made its appearance; surrounded by a lion’s mane, it dangled, yet in some strange bewitched way it started rising upward, watching me with one deformed eye …I started crying! The feeling of stinging sensations on my leg, placed by his hand, demanded me to suck it up. My hands were forcibly placed onto his putty skin as I was shown how to satisfy a sick man’s need. That was the first time my perception of love changed …

In years to come it wasn’t only my Grandfather. The next eighteen years of my life consisted of male family members taking advantage of the so called honest and sincere love they so eagerly wanted to share. Today, out of the five, only one is still alive. In that time I never told anyone and wouldn’t dare share this with my parents. I knew that they wouldn’t understand, firstly due to cultural difference and secondly – well, due to the fact that I felt guilty and embarrassed for not being able to fight them off, even more so that I couldn’t move during those … hmmmm, shall I call it “the days of black” … for I was petrified and at the same time, I just wanted them to finish their business and leave me in peace. There was a day, however, where my Dad and I had a major argument. He was the type of man that solely believed in family bonds and values, that his blood family were pure to that of my Mom’s family. I lost my temper and told my Dad what his perfect brother did to me. In the heat of the moment my Dad’s reaction wasn’t what I expected at all. Instead of digging for the truth, he chose to slap me across my face. My cheek was on fire! Today I don’t blame him at all, for it was his belief that was shattered, not mine. I am sure, that wherever he is today, either heaven or on earth spiritually, he knows that all is forgiven.

My primary school years consisted of discovering what it was like to be with boys. I never really understood them. To me they were weird. Always on the lookout for a fight, always trying to prove a point – mostly physically. Make no mistake, I did enjoy their attention for it made me feel like someone important, someone that belonged and that could also share in stories of holding hands, kissing and romanticizing fantasies. In my final year of primary school I fell, head over hills, in love with a girl! She had a scar across her cheek and to me that was absolutely beautiful – she really had the most beautiful face I had ever seen in my thirteen years of existence. Initially I couldn’t understand what it was about her that had me in such a state of Coo Koo, because I was supposed to like boys, not so? I ignored those feelings and pursued the stereotype correctness of being straight. I dated many boys but never really got to the point of anything more than just a quick kiss, until I met him – his family moved into the same street we lived on. He was two years my senior and that was when, at the age of almost fourteen, my hormones kicked in. We were playing hide and seek when we ended up in a room, just the two of us. I wasn’t really attracted to him but there was something about the situation, I found myself in, that drove me to further investigate the feelings I experienced. He had me cornered and slowly pushed himself up against me – the sensations I felt physically was quite overwhelming. Plain and simply put, it was the first time I ever felt randy. Needless to say, I eventually gave up my virginity to him. During this time, I realized how easy it was to rope in boys based on sex. This helped me feel important, wanted and in some weird way even sexy – for my childhood was based on sexual encounters and that was all I knew. It was my weapon. It was my protection. Physically I was able to do whatever I wanted, but emotionally and intellectually I was far from advanced for my age.

Time went by and before I knew it, it was my first year in high school. I felt intimidated by all the older children and knew that it would take time to find a feeling of belonging in a place that was filled with testosterone, attitudes, fashion and so forth. Luckily, for me, it didn’t take too long to make new friends – unluckily, they were the wrong sort of friends but I loved them to bits none the less. During this time, I still dated a variety of boys – from the nerdy type up to the popular type –There was never a specific type I went for because I was never in love with a boy nor a guy nor a man. It was only a year later, aged fifteen, when the feelings I had for girls surfaced again. She was one of my bests’ friends, quite pretty and had the personality of a hundred queens. She had an electrifying smile, the cutest walk and was just absolutely adorable. That was the first time I thought of kissing a girl, let alone her.

In the call de sac we lived on, we were a mixture between girls and boys, English and Afrikaans. It never deterred me from wanting to be friends with all of them, for we were the clang of the hood. I eventually shared my secret with one of my girlfriends and she never seemed surprised. In fact, she seemed very interested and asked a lot of questions. I tried to explain it all to the best of my ability, and before I knew it, we ended up kissing. I wasn’t in love with her, but she was a girl none the less. It was soft, interesting and an incredible turn on. Our “relationship” went from kissing to her allowing me to touch her, everywhere. To me, it was a mind blowing, yet scary and an intimidating experience, something I wanted to pursue more than anything. My first kiss, with a girl, is something I will never forget. Today, as I look back on the power I possessed, it truly is bizarre how easy it was to have the whole clang in the palm of my hand – what a pity I used it for all the wrong reasons! Sex was an easy escape from the reality I ran from. It gave me a sense of direction, a sense of being – for I thought that this was what people thrived upon. This is what I was “taught” since the age for three … Oh, and how little did I know how wrong it was! How I wish I could have changed some of the things I did in my past – but then again, I wouldn’t be who I am today!

At the age of sixteen I started realizing that boys just didn’t do it for me. I eventually came out of the closet toward my closest friends. I decided to tell them that I was bi-sexual for I thought it would be easier for them to handle than coming out as a straight forward lesbian. My guess was that sleep overs would be no more if I chose to do so. Lucky for me, they were absolutely cool with it. I did, however, still date boys and slept with the occasional one, or at least, those that seemed worthy of having my body but never my soul. Later that year we went away on a school trip. We joined up with two different schools and I was in heaven, for we were girls only. It was almost two days after our arrival when I met her. I couldn’t stand her, but she was the better person and put forth genuine efforts in befriending me – and yes, before I knew it, I was absolutely infatuated by her. It was like she had an invisible rope tied to her wrist, pulling me in deeper with every conversation we had. We ended up smoking in one of the bathrooms and for some or other reason; it was like I was possessed by the Mother of Lesbians, for I couldn’t control the urge to kiss her. I never even thought of what her response might have been for I was only thinking of myself – I was self-centred and never gave it a second thought – I only had my own selfish need in mind. I moved in closer and told her that I liked her very much. She seemed surprised as I pushed her gently against the door and as I leaned in to kiss her, I immediately felt guilty for forcing myself on her. She kissed me too, but not to the effect on how one would want to be kissed. I decided to leave in a hurry for I had so many emotions running through me, like fire and ice oozing its way through my every vein. I just couldn’t make sense of it all. One day later, I had a change of mind and decided to put it all away and allow my power of seduction to rule the day. I refused to face whatever it was that yearned to be heard. I didn’t want any contact with my soul for it would make me feel the pain and anger I had toward all those men. I just wanted to feel good and therefore continued on my own path of destruction – I wanted to be made of steel … I had to be. We remained in contact for some time after but as time went by, we lost touch. As I look back now, I know she touched my life in so many ways, without ever realizing it back then. She was probably one of the first people that helped me feel guilt, regret and in some way … made me realize that sex was not everything and that there was some real feelings out there – somewhere deep down my desert kept cage called a heart …

In the same year I met one of my girlfriend’s brothers. He was gay too and that gave us an immediate connection for we shared the same want – a want to be in a world of same sex dreams. I never even knew that gay clubs existed until he took me to one. It was situated in Johannesburg CBD. I was nervous. I was excited. I didn’t know what to expect nor did I have a clue of what gay people were supposed to look like – so the best I could do at the time was to go as me. I dressed up quite girly during that time for I didn’t have a specific identity. I was only beginning to discover myself. That night was only the start of a very long journey. I was hooked and eventually discovered a gay club called Champions. Now that was the best place ever! It was situated opposite the Johannesburg Train Station. It consisted of two bars, a pool (snooker) room, a dance floor and a restaurant. The outside had more than ample space of grass, trees and a fountain. There friends, lovers and newbies would hang out when things became too hot to handle on the inside. It became my second home for I practically made my presence known every Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and some Sundays. At times, I did give the club a skip to live another life – my so called “straight” life. I always felt like a prisoner when boys hanged out with my friends and me. It always felt like such an effort to make conversation with them for I never found them funny, entertaining, interesting, intellectual … I just found them to be an irritating bunch that always seemed so desperate to get into a girl’s pants. Always trying to come forth as charming only to ignore you the following day when they’ve reached their squirting desire. How silly and insignificant it all seems now – but I know that every single one of us, boy and girl, were on our own paths of discovery, our own paths of social pressure … wanting to fit in, wanting to feel like we belonged – only to make decisions that were far from right. The rest of my high school years were probably one of the best experiences I have had whilst being a teenager. I had a lovely bunch of friends. I was popular for all the wrong reasons. I excelled in summer and winter sport. I lived in a world beyond most teenagers grasp for I was merely misunderstood by all those around me … even by myself, for it would only be years later when I realized that I was only craving attention by looking for it in all the wrong places and from all the wrong people … and the best worst thing was – I ignored myself for all those years!

I started work a couple of months after I completed school. I never was one filled with ambition, never had any desires to further my studies – it never even crossed my mind! I saw life as a party, having to make my presence known, always out to find the next flirt (perhaps more) to fix my addiction for attention … never even realizing how much I actually missed! It’s a bitter sweet memory that led me to who I am today. I had girlfriends all over the show, at work I had a relatively good friend and ended up having a threesome with her and her husband! Something I NEVER want to experience again! I met so many people, yet I felt empty, alone and forgotten – an invisible me who was dreaming, yearning, running – but towards what or for what I could never figure out. Sometimes it is hard to imagine that I used to be like that – never caring where I woke up, never caring who was next to me in some random bed … I just wanted to know that I was wanted! I was there to break all the rules for I was unbreakable! (Yeah right!)

I never was in any serious relationship until I met her. She honestly wasn’t my type, but then again, anyone that showed the slightest bit of interest in me awoke some type of wondering in me! And yes, you’ve guessed it – I went for it! We met on a dating site which catered for wicked lesbians, like me! (Okay, that is supposed to be a joke) We communicated, messaged and eventually phoned each other. The day of the actual face to face meeting arrived. I was dressed, packed and ready to rock and roll! During that time I still lived with my parents in Alberton and I was about 20 years old … But before I continue with that part of my life – let me rewind back to a couple of months before …

I was shaking my booty in Champions one Friday night when my gaydar spotted a woman. From afar she looked interesting, sexy and my mission was – turn into 007 (female version), move in closer, present my best moves, accidentally bump into her, apologize and LOCK IN! And before I knew it, I moved in bag and all! (Holy Mother of Mary, what was I thinking?) Or wait, I wasn’t! Looking back now, I understand why I did what I did. She presented an exciting prospect of moving out of my parents’ house, she showed others that I was taken, I had someone to “love” and “love” me and yes, I was in love with the idea, NEVER with her! We were in a crooked and very broken relationship for about 6 months (if my memory serves me right) and during that time, I discovered many things about myself. I lied to impress and even make others happy. I did everything in my power to ensure that she was satisfied on every level – except our level of communication. I could barely understand what she was talking about most of the times, which in turn, made me feel unsafe, vulnerable, inadequate, illiterate and the list goes on. It was then when I started realizing that there was so much more to life than just me and my little haven of underlying, yet unbreakable issues. But did I listen to my inner-voice? Pfffttttt … what do you think?

I felt extremely lonely in that so-called relationship, but at the same time, happy that I had someone to care about. How silly it seems now! I was desperate to feel accepted, to be acknowledged, to feel wanted, to paint a picture of perfection for others to see, to be “someone” for a change for I never knew then, that I was already a someone and that I just needed to find me! Simple hey? We went out one evening to meet up with some friends of mine. We had a few drinks and as usual, she turned into an alcoholic monster when man-made juices got the better of her! Later that evening, when my friends had already left, there were two men that obviously wanted to be a part of our evening. I remained seated at the bar when my so-called other half danced with one of them. The dancer’s friend eventually had enough courage to approach me. He offered to buy me a drink which I accepted. We were having a conversation when my other half joined us at the bar and introduced me to the dancer. They left for a short while and low and behold, I was told what a piece of **** I was for wanting to be with dancer’s friend! Good grief, the cheek!! I never was the type to cheat whilst being in a relationship! But being me back then, I tried really hard to convince a non-believer that I was not into guys … Little did that work!

Dancer and my other half disappeared back onto the dance floor as soon as they returned. A few minutes later the two of them went outside. After some time I started wondering if she was okay and decided to get up and go look for her. As I stepped outside a picture from hell played out right in front of my eyes. There they were … the two of them, rubbing and kissing each other up against a wall. The ten seconds it took me to realize that I wasn’t dreaming felt like an eternity! My mouth must have been hanging open as wide as a prostitute’s spread! Out of nowhere I was filled with anger, jealousy and hate. Like a forest fire I wanted to destroy everything in its path! My legs automatically started marching towards them … I stood there for a few seconds and wasn’t even noticed by the two smooching lovebirds. My voice took over control and yelled out: “What the **** are you doing?” Their reaction wasn’t quite what I expected – I was pushed around by my partner and told to go away. In my own defence I tried to cover what mattered most and her prince charming? Well, he decided to jump in and have a go at me too. Crazy people we have to share this planet with … So what could I do but cover my face? It felt like I was in the ring with Rocky for fists were colouring my head, face, arms and shoulders. I was beaten right to the middle of the car park … beaten until I fell onto my back and then … silence.

I remember opening my eyes and seeing stars (literal ones) … thanking the heavens above that I was still breathing – my hands still holding my head (with those blows, you might never know if my head could have fallen off) I tasted salted wetness and in that moment, I felt something for myself – I felt hurt, betrayed, alone … yet alive for the tears that rolled down my cheeks was the first step in accepting myself into me … allowing my soul to become one with my body! And of course, when my brain kicked back into first gear, I shot up like a hair out of place and marched off into the darkness. Upon arrival at her house I cried, really cried – realizing that I had done wrong to myself, almost like I was looking at the mirror and seeing me for the first time! It must have been about half an hour when the other half arrived and boy was she angry! After listening to some stabbing words of insult it only came to light that her prince charming and co had stolen her car – was it wrong to have a sun-shine smile razing from the inside? I think not … or should I rather say, I couldn’t help but feel victorious! Just goes to show – never trust a charming face when you can’t see what lies behind their mask …

The next morning I left … after being told that she needed me, that I was selfish for not supporting her in her greatest moment of need … I still had the courage to get up and leave! (Yeah for me) … but that wasn’t the end! We still saw each other when everything was forgiven (but not forgotten) and still she managed to pull me back into a world I wasn’t comfortable in. She took home another woman one night when we were supposedly together. She came back with full force and I was back again and so it carried on until the last time. She decided to go out one evening, leaving me behind. And yes, of course I felt hurt, abandoned and alone! I was in bed reading a book when she arrived – and she wasn’t alone. She popped into the bedroom and whispered that she brought home a friend. I was not impressed at all but left it at that. Then … music – the kind you would want to charm someone with. My heart was pounding like a drumming circle, my thoughts didn’t know what to do and nor could my body move. I think I was in shock! But a minute or two later a monster called jealousy, insecurity and anger awoke from inside of me and before I knew it, I was in the living-room, standing in front of them. The lights were dimmed, music was softly playing in the background and they were on the couch. I turned back to the light switch and brightened the room with my presence. By that time I was shaking like leaf and dared to ask the question: “So who the hell is this?” The other half jumped up and tried to push me back towards the bedroom and I do believe that she pushed me over the edge, for in that moment I turned to face her, my arm raising higher and higher, my hand straightening into position and WHAM! She twirled around like a ballerina and fell to the floor. Her so-called friend grabbed her belongings and flew out the door! It is then when I had enough – I saw her again only once, but NEVER again after that day …

So where was I again? Ahhhh yes, the dating site girl …

She lived in Pretoria and that evening her sister was kind enough to drive all the way to Alberton (about an hour’s drive, give or take) to pick me up. I felt uncomfortable, shy and a tad nervous. I had no idea who these people really were yet I was adventurous and stupid enough to give it a try! A few months later we moved in together.
I never knew how to behave, act and be in a real relationship. Heck, I didn’t even know who I really was! In the almost three years of that relationship, she told me one evening that she didn’t love me anymore and that she had met someone else. My world was crushed and it felt like someone died – this is when I had a broken heart for the first time in my life! And bloody hell, for a twenty-something year old, that was pretty hectic! But wait, don’t judge her too harshly – for this time round it was my own insecurities, my own sense of false foundations, my own jealousy, my own imaginative mind that destroyed that relationship, for I never could believe that anyone could REALLY love me for me … Since that day, my shattered feelings knocked on my own door, clawing and begging to be allowed in – I needed to face my own demons and the second step towards my journey to the invisible me happened – slowly but surely! She has become my best friend and we have known each other for 18 years! She is my friend – a friend that everyone should have, a friend that is always there, always has been and always will be!

This year I will be turning 39 and wow, how time has flown! Today I am engaged to the most amazing woman on this planet (YES, this planet) and I look forward in spending the rest of my time with her! I have gone through a few more relationships before I met the love of my life – and some of you may wonder if I am crazy for putting my story out there – but I don’t think I am! You see, there are so many of us out there that shares the same experiences, goes through the same hurt, falls for the wrong people over and over – but the important thing is how we get out of this forsaken habit, how we connect with ourselves and see, too really see ourselves for who we are, for what we are worth, for what we won’t stand for and most importantly – to love ourselves first and foremost, before each and every one of us can live in absolute bliss! I have moved, climbed and fallen over many mountains … but today I can honestly say that I am invisible no more, for the love I once thought was true has lead me on a path toward free spirited truth!

Peace out everyone!
T

[sideblinded]

Triffic, Hello and welcome to PC all the way from South Africa. You have had quite a life coming from deaf parents and enduring the abuse that you went through. Sexual abuse and being beaten are such difficult things to cope with as my father was a pedophile so I can understand a lot about your experience. I am so glad however that you found love and I hope this love has given you new hope in mankind. I am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing your story and I really hope that your new life is filled with all of the things that will bring you joy.

It takes a little while for your first 5 posts to appear as they are first in moderation. Browse the many forums and post where and when you feel comfortable.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator about how to navigate this site.

Best wishes in your new life and here at PC.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you have gone through so much suffering. It sounds like things are turning around.

Thanks for sharing your story.

i'm glad you're engaged. well wishes.

[waggiedog]

WELCOME to Psych Central ''Triffic''. Wowsey, gotta hand it to you, you sure have had an interesting eventful life so far! Yes, some of it holds bad memories but the fact you've found love and I'm sure, you're soulmate. Some folk never find a love one until very late in life ~~ I use myself as that example. You write so well too, when you described the settings in certain situations, the odours, the feeling in the air and the frightening drama. You could consider writing for a living!!
Anyways hun, greetings and congratulations on your engagement! Hope to see you around soon.