want to be touched.am i normal??

i dont know what to write.its too difficult to explain.i'l try my best.i was molested many times during my childhood and teenage.dont know if those were abuse or not.i was touched inappropriately mainly on my breasts by different men.it still happens at times.i always used to wonder why men are so obsessed with my boobs..because am so thin.but that doesnt seems to matter.it always made me uncomfortable being touched.i hated it like hell till last year.i cudnt even bear people looking at me in a bad way.i used clothes that would cover me totally,so that i wudnt get any bad attention from people.all am trying to say is that I hated being touched or looked at.everytime someone touched me,i used to cry like hell.sadly i couldnt say no to anyone.not because i wanted it.i had no courage to resist.i used to sit there frozen being used.
The issue is that things are upside down now.am too much into sex now.sometimes i badly want to be touched.am enjoying all inappropriate touches now.sometimes my need for being touched on my breasts gets too intense that i go mad then.if i dont get it i get frustrated and go for masturbation.even that doesnt help at times.then i cry like hell,becomes more and more depressed.am creating situations to be touched by strangers.i know its all wrong.i feel so guilty about it.but i cant help myself.i dont care who touches men/women/kids.it gives me a good inner feeling.acting like a pervert.i dont want real sex.am afraid of it.i just want my boobs to be touched..or a deep hug.sometimes i fantasise being abused.i always feel lonely.i trust no one.i havent talked about this to anyone.i need real help.it feels horrible.i hate being like this.but i cant change either.how can i hate & love the same thing?am confused.is it normal to feel this way?anyone out there for help?does this has got anything to do with my past experiences?please share your views.thankz in advance

If you did not want to be touched in any form but couldn't say no, you are by no means at fault. Consent is more than just saying "yes" or "no". The majority of people have sexual desires and it is a very human, normal thing. As someone who has had been sexually abused in the past, I can say it did make me feel guilty and bad for quite a time. From my perspective, I think feeling guilty for having sexual desires can easily be a byproduct of abuse, along with fantasizing about being abused. For some people, being used was fulfilling in a sense that someone wanted them or that they were of some use. Abuse teaches people internally that that's how emotions and affection are expressed, and therefore you could end up craving that rather than something healthy if you have never experienced a healthy relationship. It also explains the craving for general physical contact like hugging. It isn't an uncommon thing among survivors and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. You weren't treated how you should have been treated, and you deserve much better, consensual treatment. I'm very sorry you're feeling so troubled. My advice to you is to try to remind yourself that most people have sexual desires, even if society labels it as bad or impure. It's a very human, natural thing. I feel like seeing a therapist, if you aren't already, could tremendously help ease your grief as a survivor of abuse and trauma. I'm wishing you the best.

can't pull my thoughts and words together at the moment, but you might want to check out rainn.org. they have a lot of good info and can offer resources. they have international resources as well, not just for the US, so the are a good starting point even if you are not in the US.
i can kinda relate... just came to a realization of sorts for myself. I have found I re-create the abuse I dealt with in the past (the emotions and similar circumstances), only this time it's a "safe" situation. I'm figuring out it helps change the associations from the past to ones with less fear, even if the helplessness is the same...

i dont know if am recreating old situations.i have a big need for love.am in no healthy relationship.am afraid that people want only sex from me & they will leave me once they get it. My biggest fear is being away from someone i love.because of this i have always supressed my feelings for others.i walked away from those who loved me.am too afraid to get intimate.now i have no one.feels like no one will love me for what i am.i dont even want to get married.i just hate myself.never been into therapy.i trust no one.dont know what to do.my urge for a physical touch is immense.cant get it from anywhere

is there anyone else like me??

What you are discribing is that you went from being a victim to trying to take control over. This is something that a lot of victims do in all kinds of ways, it's a part of how human beings try to overcome their fears and gain a sense of control too. If someone takes a walk in the woods and gets surprised by a snake that bites them, they run but tend to return to see what the snake was and where it lived and identify it hense gain a sense of control.

With you, somehow it was your breasts that was something others invaded. This has nothing to do with love either, it's a boundary issue and your boundaries have been invaded and disrespected. It sounds like you get triggered and your desire is to push yourself into being touched as your sense of "filling that need for control".

People who have had their personal boundaries disrespected tend to form all different ways to regain a sense of "personal boundaries".

Unfortunately, we live in a world that have people who disrespect the boundaries of others. It is not the victims fault, often it is the individual that disrespected their boundaries themselves that were disrespected or did not learn how to respect the boundaries of others.

is there any way by which i can hate this?i dont want this thing in my head.i want to be normal in relationships.what helps??i dont know what to do.

Hi Kutt r u 38 years old or younger?

I am 23...Why??

(((kutt38))),

You are taking the first step to healing by just talking about it.

"Is there anyone else like you"?

The answer is "yes" there are "many" that struggle with the healing process of understanding the damage caused to them by having their boundaries violated. At 23 you are still young enough to talk about "your hurts" and slowly understand the ways you have tried to gain your own sense of "boundaries" back that you don't quite understand but seem to be driven to do.

this is the only place where i can talk what i feel..i dont know what to do.i feel guilty for wanting to be touched.this society will never accept someone like me.i cant maintain any sincere relationships.cant stop hating myself.all i can do is talk it out here.am afraid of my future.am afraid if i'll end up being a ****.all i want is to be normal like my friends.this self hatred is driving me crazy.having constant thoughts of self injuring & death.need to get out of this so badly.

Only because I was wondering ur age and thought the 38 may have been ur age.

[QUOTE=kutt38;4278837]is there anyone else like me??[/QUOTE]


I'm like you Kutt. You're not alone. I was sexually molested from the age of 5 and many years after by kids in foster homes and children's homes, and attacked and nearly raped at the age of 13. Inappropriately touched by teachers. If there was a pervert, they found me or perhaps I attracted them. I don't think I did. I was always very quiet and shy, but afraid to say no or to say anything. I found that kind of attention normal, and actually began to seek it out as I got older. You need a therapist. Preferably a female one. You are very vulnerable right now and if you don't learn how to overcome it and protect yourself you will get hurt, taken advantage of, or pregnant. I carry around the same desires you do and I still struggle with them. I see so much of me in you and it saddens me. You are so young. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk. Be safe. Know you deserve a man who loves and cares about you. Not one who just want to use your body. Being desired does not equal being loved.

Hi ruftin, am so sad this is happening with you too.I know how terrible it feels like.so how are you dealing with it??what helps??

kutt, I will PM you.

i relate a little bit. i think you need some help. do you see a therapist?

Never been into therapy..What helped you??