[Stoopkid95]

Ok, so I'm mostly convinced that I was sexually abused as a child, but I have no memory of it occurring. I've had nightmares of being molested since I was nine years old. Shortly after this I began to intentionally hurt my private areas (I don't want to be too graphic.) I've had a horrible fear of something happening to my genitals for as long as I can remember. When I was eleven I had an accident where I was cut very badly by glass and easily could have died, but my fear of something happening down there is much stronger than the fear I have when I hear glass shatter. About two years ago I admitted to my boyfriend that something had happened, but I haven't specified beyond that. I also had an irrational fear of men from the time I was right or nine until I was about thirteen. After I accepted the possibility of having been molested, I would burst out in tears at the slightest trigger. It doesn't really bother me anymore, but what does bother me is not knowing if it's true because I don't remember. I have had memories of my accident resurface, so I know repressed memories are real. The idea that I may be lying about being molested is what really bothers me. But if I feel so strongly that it did happen, is it a lie? I think I just need to feel like my feelings are valid. Sorry the post is so long

[healingme4me]

Are you seeing a counselor that specializes in childhood trauma?

They could help determine what drives your anxiety, and determine if you were and if so, counsel you through the steps needed for recovery.

Welcome to PC!

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[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are feeling so much hurt and anxiety from abuse. Abuse can make one block out the experience completely to protect your mind.

I do not doubt it was real but it could have been mental, emotional and or physical abuse. A therapist who specializes in survivors of abuse could help you sort out the roots of the situation.

Be careful about hurting yourself. That can make the pain and guilt worse. Talk to your therapist about those feelings before you actually act on them to minimize self harm.

[kaliope]

hi stoopkid
i always assumed something happened because i had all the classic symptoms but none of the mememories. i felt guilty like i would be blaming someone if nothing had happened but why all the symptoms? now after 50, and hypnosis, and a DID diagnosis, the bits and pieces are coming back. sense is finally being made of all the weirdness of my world. the worst is the manifesting anxiety. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[sideblinded]

Just a warm welcome to PC.

[ThisWayOut]

welcome to pc
It might be good to find a trauma/csa therapist to speak to about this. I'm kinda going through something similar (similar self-harm, similar fear reactions all my life, fresh memories of crappy stuff coming to light...). While I don't want to believe the new "memories" of the abuse, it is helping to talk to someone about what it means if they are true, what it means if they are not, how I feel about them, etc...

welcome to pc. i agree on the trauma therapist.