[beep123]

Hey everyone, hoping you can give me some insight. Im sorry this is SO long!

Back Story:
As a kid, my little sister was molested by someone at her school. That was what destroyed my family. As a kid/teen, I was hit VERY rarely by my parents. It wasn't like a spanking (I recall my mom hitting me with a frying pan) and it was honestly 2-3 times my whole life however they were neglectful emotionally.

In high school, my oldest sister (who was my best friend and 4 years older than me) started doing heavy drugs and cutting herself. So for some reason I followed that pattern and in 7th grade I attempted suicide and was physically abusive to my boyfriend at the time. He's my BFF now but it got so bad at one point. Just explosive outbursts. I hate myself every day for it.

Now I turned 17 and broke up with my best friend/ex bf and started dating a "bad boy." I fell madly in love with him. We dated for a year and half and he began hitting me after he got arrested for drug possession (I'm chronically ill and he stole my medicine). It started with grabbing my arm tightly to pushing. This only happened once but he raped me, I said no and was crying and lightly pushing off but I gave up, since we were dating I didn't consider it rape. Anyway, I broke up with him after trying to commit suicide and ended up in a 5 day psyche ward stay.

Breakup destroyed me, I missed him so much. We didn't speak for 3 months and then we started talking again. We were friends w/ benefits for over 2 years, during that time he started hitting me again, now it was worse. In a sick way, I dated him again officially. A year went by of more abuse but then I met a guy at my new job and left my abuser and was instantly over him, he was replaced.

My issue: I don't feel like any of the abuse I suffered really upsets me. I also don't know how the abuse could affect my curent and future relationships with men (which is dating jerks, abusers, low lives)
It's like I don't have the urge to get revenge, I'm not very sad/upset about it, and I just leave it in the past with no problem. I'm not scared that a man will hit or rape me. I'm ALWAYS attracted to the guys who treat me terribly. I will be nearly obsessed with them! I always pick the wrong guy and I end up addicted to them. However if a guy is too nice to me, I have no interest at all.

Questions: I'm doing some soul searching and wondering if the abuse is hidden but subconsciously. Is it playing a major role in my taste of men and my obsessive love for them?
Does anyone have an easy way of understating and explaining how the subconscious works? For example, if someone isn't thinking about the time they were hit then how would it affect someone's behavior if you're unaware you're even thinking about it?


Thank you!!!

-Beep

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central beep. Sorry to hear you have suffered abuse for so long. No one should have to go through that. A therapist that specializes in surviving abuse can get to the root of the situation over time.

Abuse does something to our minds that makes us want to put up a shield. It can make us become passive and accept abusive situations. It is too difficult to explain in one answer, but I am careful who I invite into my life.

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[healingme4me]

A decent book is 'Men Who Hate Women, and the Women that Love Them', I forget the name of the author, but it helps explain what you are describing.
Stockholm Syndrome explains to a degree, the phenomenon of looking past the abuse and the forming of attachments to the abuser.

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[sideblinded]

beep123, I am sorry to hear about all of the things that happened to you. There may be some sort of blocking going on but only a therapist would know for sure. I wanted to welcome you to PC.

Originally Posted by beep123

Questions: I'm doing some soul searching and wondering if the abuse is hidden but subconsciously. Is it playing a major role in my taste of men and my obsessive love for them?
Does anyone have an easy way of understating and explaining how the subconscious works? For example, if someone isn't thinking about the time they were hit then how would it affect someone's behavior if you're unaware you're even thinking about it?

The way I've understood it is that we gravitate to people and situations that are familiar to us. If abuse and mistreatment are familiar to you (whether you remember it or not consciously), that's what you recognize as normal. It's hard to recognize and seek out healthy relationships if there's no internal counterpart that sees it on the outside.

I have a hard time recognizing safe and sane people, so tend to feel more comfortable with the other. Therapy can help identify and work toward having those new experiences. Not sure if that makes sense, but it's how I see it.

[sherbet]

Well, one theory is that you're reenacting your past to try to "fix" it or "integrate" the trauma (see, eg., A Helpful Way to Conceptualize and Understand Reenactments). I don't know how that article is but the synopsis should give you an idea. I was recently reading "Trauma and Recovery"…it's very well-written and explains trauma in a social context and gives thoughtful explanations of survivors' various responses to trauma. Revictimization/reenacting trauma is a known phenomenon but, as sideblinded said, the only way to figure out what's happening for you is to talk to a therapist. Even if you don't feel upset about past abuse, repeatedly dating "jerks, abusers, low lifes" is a good reason to try therapy.

i don't know what to say, other than you've been through some horrible things and well done you for surviving them. however you feel about what happened to you is acceptable. there is no right or wrong way to feel. in time, you may feel more upset - or you may not.