[tigersassy]

Trigger warning!

Proceed with caution.

I'm lost and confused. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Am I ready to dive into this trauma again and really try to deal with it? What if my support system collapses under my weight? What if my spouse can't handle this? I'm already so much to handle. Just one session has made me question everything. That one session didn't even go into anything horribly deep. It just exposed my raw nerves that I hide under several layers. I want to cry, but I'm at work. I feel useless and don't want to deal with any of this crap. I thought I had moved forward away from the early years of my abuse, but this last week has proved that was a lie. I'm scared. I'm upset. I'm lost. How do you know if you are ready for this? Is anyone ever really ready for this? What if I start and the world falls apart around me? What if I become obsessed with the past again? What if it leads to SI or SU? I mean could I handle it? I doubt it. I doubt everything right now. My spouse is right about me wanting an instant fix. I do. I just don't want to be in this emotional pain anymore. At least previously I was in a form of denial that had no pain. Where do I place my first step? I feel as if I'm walking on a shale ledge 100 feet off the ground hoping that I stay close enough to the wall that the ledge doesn't break and send me tumbling to my death. Can I just jump in? Is it like cliff diving where that first jump is the scariest and leads to a desire for that rush? What if I lose my footing and jump before I'm ready? I don't even know how to discuss this with my spouse. It's already hampered our intimate life. Even before me trying to deal with it this time. I wish I could be what my spouse needs as far as intimate relationship. I'm having nightmares. My spouse tells me to wake them up, but I can't. It's my struggle what right do I have dragging them into my crap? I want to be ready to deal with this. I feel like I need to be ready to deal with this. Just to bring some peace and maybe help these other areas of my life that are being effected by the past. Everything from intimacy to the way I interact with information to the way my thoughts work. My past of abuse is the root of everything.
I wonder what it'll be like when that root is removed. That scares me even. What is going to happen then? I don't like the unknown. Will I feel better?
I keep telling myself that I'm cleaning a septic wound. That it is going to hurt like hell for a while. That it's going to make me sick from the pain that happens when you pour the alcohol in the wound and scrub. As the wound heals and becomes clean it'll hurt less. It'll heal and become a scar. A scar will not hurt. Yes it'll be a reminder, but no it won't be painful or impact activity.
I feel like I have to deal with this. If I don't deal with it things are just going to get worse and my spouse will resent me. Breathe, be mindful, use your supports as you need them, take care of you. Self care is necessity.

[kaliope]

my my, you sound like me.......i wasnt being very mindful when i posted a sui type post a bit ago...lol when i got so overwhelmed and forgot my mindfulness skills....my t doesnt give me any bandaids when she tells me this will take five years. i wonder if it will be worth it myself. but i think of it as a cold pool and just jump in and hope i will adjust to the temperature. hang in theer and go with the flow.

[tigersassy]

(trigger) Now it is decided to move forward. Plans are set battle tactics have been gone over. Then the enemy camp decides to use an air raid. FML
I was doing good. Then my spouse comes out yesterday and says that since I rarely want sex we are going to have a strictly platonic relationship. Yes because that makes everything better. All the work that I had done in the past completely went up in a big puff of smoke flame and debris. Everything that has ever been said to me in anger, hate, abusive situations everything negative came hurling at me. The one thing that keeps coming up is that my spouse resents me and this is on it's way to a divorce and it's all my fault. Because I'm effed in the head. Because there is crap wrong with me. Because I don't deserve to be happy. Because I did something to deserve all of this. I hate myself and SI thoughts keep popping up. No desire to act on them just there saying this has worked before. I'm numb.What do you do when you are falling apart? You host a Bible Study at your house that you don't even want to go to because what's the freaking point anymore. It doesn't matter if I get out of bed or go to work and do my job or anything. It's just obligations. I'm obligated to go to work. I'm obligated to pay the bills. I'm just over this. Numb is a change, but I don't even know if this is truly numb or not. Because I'm pretty sure I've been having a panic attack for almost a full day now. Crap.. (/trigger)