What are your feelings on pressing charges on family members?

(Trigger...)

I have concerns that it may be morally wrong for me to do this. I don't want to hurt my mother by pressing charges on my father, even though she walked in on me being sexually abused by him and didn't do anything about it other than make me feel like **** about it, I still don't want to hurt her. I feel bad for her, and how her life has turned out, but some of the crimes that happened were horrific. I feel like raping a 6/7 year old is horrendous, and someone should definately go to jail for that, and yet when it's me who is that kid, and it is my biological dad who did that, I feel like I'd be wrong to press charges. I'm torn.

PeaceLily,

My heart sank when I read this. It is natural to want to protect and defend our parents, no matter what they've done. Identifying with the aggressor is a very real phenomenon. You may want to read about that.

By you wanting to report is not morally wrong; it's morally right. I hope you have the emotional support you need at this time. Competent professional help can be of tremendous value to you and help you see things from an accurate perspective. Some communities offer services at no cost for survivors too. And, abusers usually don't stop at just one person. They are very dangerous people and need to be held accountable. I wish you peace and healing. Take care of you.

It is in no way morally wrong for you to stand up and speak out. The reason you are so torn is because you were raised to feel that way, that was your mother's fault, she chose to protect not only your father but herself. While that situation was hard on her, her responsibility towards her own child was ignored.

If someone else stood up and spoke out, if it became something discussed, perhaps your mother would have known how to better handle this scenario and do the right thing and make "sure" you were helped and loved inspite of your abuse. So to answer your question about what is morally right? TELLING AND SPEAKING OUT.

It's doubly hard on the victim when the abuser is a loved parent. You have a choice to make, either keep quiet and let him get away with a terrible deed (which as you know has repercussions for the rest of YOUR life) or turn him in and let his decision to abuse you reap the consequences. I know you are torn, and either way you will have emotional fall-out to deal with, but let me add this: Once you press charges, it's out of your hand and you don't have the burden any more.

(Trigger..)

Thankyou for the replies. He did this multiple times and he knew he was causing me a lot of physical pain. He put material like socks in my mouth to stop me being heard, and I think maybe for sexual purposes, and he put a pillow on top over my face at times. It was degrading.He also had me perform other sex acts on him which was what my mother walked in and saw. He would do a 'secret knock' on my door and it meant I had to come to his room, and wait by the door for him to want to begin. He used to come in my room at night and touch me when I was asleep too.I pretended to be asleep twice around him when I was a little kid, and both times he touched me intimately, so I reckon he might have done this quite a bit.

It's bad.my brother sexually abused me too, but I don't know if I want to press charges on him. I was 12/13 at the time my brother did this, and my brother is 7 years older than me.

My father is 67 now, and he was 48 when my mother walked in on what was happening, and I feel like he probably won't do it to anyone again. Once my mother walked in on him when I was 7, he didn't rape me again. There was still some inappropriate touching at times, but the most extreme of the sexual abuse stopped. Also, although the most extreme sexual abuse stopped, the physical and psychological abuse resumed and got worse, and he would cll me a ***** and slut and an animal etc, so he was still a bastard. If I'm honest, part of me wants to see him pay for what he did to me.

My dad was not a man who loved me in any way- He made this abundantly clear. He was astoundingly cruel in all areas.

I'm not sure what makes me not want to press charges.I'm a very sensitive person, and I think I just find it sad for him and my mother that they turned out the way they did. Life is crazy.

Hi *Peacelily*, please. please. please don't feel that you need to protect anyone in this. They, as your parents, above anyone else should have protected you. It was their responsibility to see that nothing, anything like that, happened to you as far as humanly possible.
Now just because he's your father, just because she's your mother.........whatever their circumstances, doesn't make this somehow more acceptable, you know that, right??!!
So, time to get some help with where you go from here, yes?? Time to make a decision based on what you want to do.........nevermind worrying about anyone else, anyone else who let this happen??
Linking a helpline which may support you in where you want to go from here:
NAPAC | Supporting Recovery from Childhood Abuse
You've spent enough time paying for what your parents didn't do, it's well over time that you came first...........so if this may help.............

Alison

Hi *Peacelily*, sorry posted my last message before you'd posted about your brother too. 12/13 and 19/20 doesn't excuse abuse in anyway........but if you're clear right now that you don't want to take it any further, then I'm hoping the helpline may help you a little at least in terms of the effects. Perhaps this could be part of your journey to recovery though.

Alison

There is nothing morally wrong with pressing charges or not pressing charges. Whichever will help you the most is the important thing, with regards to both your father and your brother.

If you feel like your father should pay for what he did... then he should. If you feel like that is unimportant, that is OK too. It is your choice, not your father's, brother's, or your mother's. They had the chance to do right by you, and they didn't. So now you get to decide what is right for you... what is best for you. They chose wrong. So now you get to choose right. And no matter what you choose, if it is what is right to you, then it is the right thing.

I felt like I had to protect my family also. I somehow survived the abuse (disassociation was my way to cope). I married at 16 and got away but here I am 40 years later confused, depressed, and wondering how to overcome this. I began therapy at 29, began taking Zoloft and managed for many years. I don't understand why (after the death of my father and my sexually abusive brother....double whammy heh?) that I am so non functional

hello there.
i was also abused by a family member (uncle) and i understand how difficult the whole pressing charges thing is... i still haven't...

press charges if you feel you are strong enough, as the court experience can be traumatic. do whatever you choose to do for YOU, and don't let others pressure you into pressing charges if you aren't ready or are too fragile.

What makes me so angry and sad is how we want to protect and take care of those whose job it was to protect and take care of us, yet they not only failed us miserably, they also committed criminal acts against our little minds, bodies & souls!

Not sure how things work where you are, but by the time I felt strong enough to face my abuser(s) in a court of law, the statute of limitations had expired, therefore, I had no legal recourse.

However, reporting it is still of utmost importance because it may very well keep the sorry sack of poo from abusing others.

In the meantime, continue to make you and your healing process your number one priority!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

PeaceLily, You don't have to go this alone. There really are people who care and can help you on your road to recovery. It will strengthen you little by little. You've suffered a multiple whammy, which makes it all the more difficult. Talk about it. Tell your story. Free yourself. Release it from your mind and body. Allow yourself to know you are deserving and valuable. This does not have to define the rest of your beautiful life. You can shine a light on this and give others hope. You may surprise yourself when you see how much power you really have. Take it back. You're an inspiration to others

I was 6, my brother was 14- it only lasted a year because he almost got caught. It came out because I suffered reoccurring UTI's. After about the 5th one, I had a female exam that revealed the abuse. Dr's, Pdoc, Social Worker......0 consequences for my brother? + my family blames me for the fact we can't have family get togethers even though my sis is the one with the restraining order against him! It makes the healing process harder when you don't get justice. Harder...but not impossible!

I would press charges. Please take good care of yourself. You have the power to do that now. ((Hugs))