[*PeaceLily*]

I'm referring specifically to instances of sexual abuse and the circumstances in which perpertrators/bystanders do and don't admit that it occurred :

Has the perpertrator/s and any people who knew the sexual abuse was occurring admitted the truth to you? If so, if you feel able to write about it, how did this admission occur? Did you confront them about it, and did they then admit that what you were saying happened was the truth, or did they deny that it ever happened?

(Please consider whether it will be too triggering for you to write about this before you do)

xxx xxx

[kaliope]

well i have just come to understand it was my brother.........for many years since becoming adults he has always wanted to have holiday get togethers at his house and i have never felt comfortable about going. my attitude was that he had hurt me all my life so why did he think now that we are adults we can just set that all aside and be best friends. i always thought my ptsd was my dads doing but it seems my brother was the abuser as well. my sister made a deathbed confession regarding him abusing us. i doubt i will ever confront him on it because i know he will deny it so it seems like it would be a waste of time and do me more harm than good. so i am just worrying about getting me back on track.

No, the bastard denies it. Has called me psychotic, a lunatic, and finally a liar. I try not to let it hurt me, but it does very much.

Yes, one of them did. My father actually confronted him and he admitted what he had done. I had the opportunity to confront him personally in the presence of my therapist at the time. I couldn't say much, but trust me, my therapist had lots to say to him.

[IrisBloom]

Most abusers will never admit they are guilty. Usually admitting it is a step to correcting the behavior and many don't want to change. I know with parents and siblings and other close relationships it is hard to continue a relationship in adulthood with the abuser. But, it is your choice to or not. Do not feel guilty about not wanting to expose yourself to further abuse or pretending it didn't happen. And DO NOT feel guilty about whatever legal issues the abuser has had as a result of their own behavior.

I know a family where one person abused both granddaughters, and faced legal consequences, years ago. They still bring up the fact that they were "inconvenienced" by being found guilty and had their life disrupted, with no thought whatsoever about what their actions did to the girls and their family.

About the bystanders...most people will choose sides. Some will even believe the abuse happened but don't want to ruin their relationship with the abuser. Don't let that affect what you need to do to take care of yourself.

[ladisputelover]

I never had the chance to ask, seeing as it was a stranger who assaulted me :/ I don't know if confronting him would make me feel better or not.
Hope you got what you were looking for in the above posts. Take care of yourself

[*PeaceLily*]

Thankyou for the replies. I am asking this question both because an admission of the fact it happened from the people involved would be validating and vindicating for me, but also very much for potentially pressing charges.

My mother knew it happened because she walked in on my father abusing me one time, but she didn't report it. If the extent of it had been known, he would have got some serious jail time.

i was thinking of initiating a conversation with my mother and/or the men who sexually abused me, and recording whatever was said, for legal purposes. What do you think about that?

[*PeaceLily*]

I wanted to have a conversation with my mother about it- she is a bystander who really for certain knew because she walked in on one instance of it, but didnt report it, and told me not to tell my siblings or anybody else.

When having a conversation with a bystander, have you found it more effective to talk to them on the phone or in person? The issue with the phone option is that I guess they can just hang up.I was going to try to make it like a conversation, as opposed to an obvious straight off the bat confrontation to reduce the chances of this happening

Is there anything I can do to increase the chances of someone being truthful? Also, in this instance with my mother, I would be talking to a bystander (her), as opposed to the people who actually did the sexual abuse.

[IrisBloom]

Do you have a minister or a trusted friend of you both that could be present? That won't make anyone be truthful, but maybe moral support for one or both of you.

[ThisWayOut]

I have not confronted anyone yet, but I doubt mine would be confirmed. :/

Good luck with your mom. I personally find it easier to talk about tough stuff when I can;t see the person (either through email or over the phone), but that's just my preference. I think the conversation idea is a good one. That is how I have talked to my own mom abotu some tough stuff, though it was all stuff she was also experiencing at the time. It was very validating to hear she also labeled it abuse...

[*PeaceLily*]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I have not confronted anyone yet, but I doubt mine would be confirmed. :/

Good luck with your mom. I personally find it easier to talk about tough stuff when I can;t see the person (either through email or over the phone), but that's just my preference. I think the conversation idea is a good one. That is how I have talked to my own mom abotu some tough stuff, though it was all stuff she was also experiencing at the time. It was very validating to hear she also labeled it abuse...

Thankyou for the reply. I would probably prefer to email, as speaking is so emotional, but I would need to be recording the phonecall for potential legal purposes so email is a no go.

I think with my mother, I have to tread carefully so that she doesn't flip out and project it onto me, as she will probably not want to admit internally that she committed a crime in not reporting it, and that she treated me horribly all these years.

I just want to do whatever is most likely to get an acknowledgement of the facts that it happened.

She also clearly strongly suspected/knew that my older brother was abusing me when he was, although unlike my dad, she didn't literally see it, so an admission of the fact that she knew my brother was abusing me too would be great, but I mostly want her to acknowledge what she saw my father doing.

[*PeaceLily*]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

Do you have a minister or a trusted friend of you both that could be present? That won't make anyone be truthful, but maybe moral support for one or both of you.

No, I don't.Also, I feel that would make someone less likely to admit it if someone else is there, and the most important thing to me is increasing the chance that something will be said which indicates that it happened.

xx

[SeasonsConsumed]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

Most abusers will never admit they are guilty. Usually admitting it is a step to correcting the behavior and many don't want to change. I know with parents and siblings and other close relationships it is hard to continue a relationship in adulthood with the abuser. But, it is your choice to or not. Do not feel guilty about not wanting to expose yourself to further abuse or pretending it didn't happen. And DO NOT feel guilty about whatever legal issues the abuser has had as a result of their own behavior.

I know a family where one person abused both granddaughters, and faced legal consequences, years ago. They still bring up the fact that they were "inconvenienced" by being found guilty and had their life disrupted, with no thought whatsoever about what their actions did to the girls and their family.

About the bystanders...most people will choose sides. Some will even believe the abuse happened but don't want to ruin their relationship with the abuser. Don't let that affect what you need to do to take care of yourself.

I found this post to be very supportive. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.