[Lackadaisical.me]

Hi.

I think I am charming, compelling, loving, thoughtful, and strangled by apathy, that is masked with an adolescent's carefree sense of humor.

Possible trigger:

I was sexually abused by an order brother and his friends growing up, being too young to understanding what was happening...at the time I was thrilled that my big brother wanted to play with me. Which makes it worse today. Knowing that I allowed it to happen. I haven't allowed anyone in my family knows about this abuse. My parents fought often and divorced. Which I don't think is an issue
...but what do I know...The main reason I never told anyone about my brother is that my brother committed suicide, and I know if anyone in my family knew what happen to me it would also destroy the memory they have of him. I guess I don't want to cause my family any more pain than they have already, especially concerning my brother.
After my brothers death my family coped with their grief with alcohol and isolation. Leaving me I learn how to care for myself. I'm still in middle school at this time. I remember it was the first time I was angry at my brother because he stole my innocence/childhood in more ways the one. But I was the rock that held it together.
I haven't seen or talked to anyone about this.

I am so sorry for all that you've been through. You deserve and need strong support right now. Is there someone you can connect with in person or on the phone? A support group of other kids your age? Even if it's for survivors of suicide, going there can at least connect you with someone that might be able to hear that yours is a complex issue and maybe you can open up about the abuse by your brother and his friends? This is too big to take on alone.

[ThisWayOut]

ditto on what licketysplit said...

i'm so sorry for what you have been through. is there any way you could get into therapy? i think that would be so helpful for you in processing your trauma.

[Lackadaisical.me]

I am 32 years old and I've been a rock so long, protecting myself, holding the pieces of my life together. I'm starting to notice all the mistakes I've made trying to keep myself together. I still see myself having to be a tough kid, only I'm not a kid anymore. Opening up...scares me.
Thank you all for your support.

[dandylin]

Oh wow. I am so sorry for your pain. I too, was sexually abused by an older brother. I understand being the rock all too well too. Get into therapy. It is the only thing that helped me. Having someone you can trust with all of this is such a blessing.

I wish you well