Sibling obuse. Need support

I apologise in advance for my English, as it's my second language.
I cannot find the forum specifically for sibling abuse survivors. And even though it's the most common abuse in families, sibling abuse is overlooked and people are reluctant to share their stories, maybe because sometimes some stupid people who were never victims of sibling abuse tend to be condescending and do not perceive it as a real abuse. As if abuse which was done by another child doesn't hurt as much. Well, unfortunately, it does and even more so, because this type of abuse is connected to stigma, and survivors of it are often made to feel ashamed.

My sister is 4 years older than me. There was an abused of all kinds, she especially liked to humiliate me. She kicked me in the stomach and I fainted, she slapped me and did things to me that I prefer not to mention, because I feel too ambarased (even though I know, I shouldn't, because it wasn't my fault). I tried to defend myself, but she was much stronger. She also molested me... She was manipulating, guilt triping me and bossing me around all the time. When I wanted to keep my distance, she was complaining to my parents that I hate her.

She wasn't the only one. There were also other bullies and predators. Sometimes I told my parents and sometimes they made a joke out of it or sometimes they did something which wasn't enough, so there wasn't much point. Physical abuse stopped only when I was about 14, because I went to martial arts class and told her that if she touches me I'll kick her butt. Verbal abuse and manipulations kept on going. I feel like she destroyed my self esteem and ability to defend myself because too many times it was proven to be futile to fight back, she just overpowered me so many times, she also new how to push my buttons and break me down because she's older and has a very manipulative mind. So I feel like she almost broke my spirit, so many times I could not defend myself from other abusers, or I would not even try or would do it in the way that would put me even in bigger denger. And other obusers are like sharks, who feel blud in the water. I also criticize myself constantly, so that I bicome very unproductive.

And although I accomplished quite something (like getting double masters degree from a very good faculty in a dificult profession in Europe and with merit based scholarship), it all went down the drain. And one of the reasons is that I chose the wrong time to tell my parents that I want to have nothing to do with my sister. They did not understand me, my dad laught about some humiliating thing my sister did to me. They immidiately started to discuss how I should reconsile. So, I think they started resenting me a bit. I couldn'n move out. I was out of the uni but still didn't get a job in the country where I studied, where was huge unemployment in my profession. And then I got rather minor health issiu. But it quiqly got wors with 3-rd world medical service of my country and because of my inability to quiqly adopt back to our harsh reallity and how to stand up for myself to the doctors, because I was totally exosted after my studies, and my parents were very unsupportive. They say that my health issues are because of my negative attitude, sometimes they deny that I have any health issues and that I see too many doctors. And this is while my initial condition is getting worst and I'm getting many more other health issues diagnozed and diagnostically proven. I still have some hope to improve some of my health issues but more often than not I just don't have moral strength for that. When I start doing things, my parents say some s*** and it totally breaks me down. Almost in every argument the topic about my sister is brought up .

During this time of my health issues I lost all my friends except one who understands and supports me.

Because of my health issues I cannot work , I cannot move out I cannot even go out of my house. I also started to look older and now I realize that before I was really beautiful but too critical of myself. And it's quite important for me as a 30-year old woman to look good and young. Even though it didn't seem to be important before, in fact I often did not want to look atractive.

During this time, I realized that before I disowned my sister , I didn't realize when people were treating me the way they weren't supposed to . So I was able to start to learn how to make people treat me right. In my country you have to make them respect you unlike in Europe where it goes by default.

I also feel very angry very often. It doesn't help that many of my health issues are beacouse of doctors' mistakes. I try to make myself forgive everybody, just not to poison myself with hatred because I cannot get back at anybody who mistreated me anyway... Yea... and my therapist chose this time to be condescending and critical towards me, so I decided that I'm better off without her, or maybe before it just didn't hurt me.

If anybody has been to some very difficult situation, could you tell me about any techniques of self support or what do you tell yourself? How to keep going when life goes down the drain?

Thinkanddoer, Sorry to hear you have suffered physical, emotional and other abuse. No person should have to live through that and the uncertainty. There is a forum survivors of abuse.
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central
I am sorry to hear you have suffered from sibling abuse. It is not something I personally hear much about as a separate issue, bute that does not mean it is despicable and should not happen. But it is part of what I hear about abuse in general. There are many self help things to do like lifestyle changes. Yoga, mindfulness, following the breath, therapy. There is so much on the Psych Central website or private message me for more info.

Getting sleep may be the single one thing that keeps me in balance. If you are not sleeping or having bad side affects, you might want to contact your doctor or psychiatrist and tell them what is happening so you can make adjustments.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

This article talks about self care. Seeing what you have been through some self nurturing may be just what you need along with some hugs.

What is Loving Self-Care | In Your Own Hands

Dear CANDC, thank you very much for your kind comment.
The way it hurts, sibling obuse is similar to other types of child obuse. The difference is that too many people do not take this issue seriously. It's even hard to find therapist who would be understanding and knolegeble about it. I had to aducate my ex therapist about it. There are even no books about it in Russian, I had to read in English. And if there is little awareness about it in the Wenstern society, there is non in my country, so for the most people in Belarus I would be just "whiny person who holds a grudge". There is also little regard for the well being of individuals here comparing to what I saw in Europe. Here you are supposed to suck it in. So, I'll try to find new therapist, I'll be careful about what I'll share until and if I find the right therapist. I probably woun't tell about the obuse issues, I'll just try to treat my OCD, even though the first trigers were connected to the obuse.
There is also often hipocracy about child obuse by adult vs by child, even in my family. My dad was obused by stepfather and his feelings are being respected and mine are not, just because my main obuser was the sister. It's something similar to issues of rape of a woman vs rape of a man, in terms of survivors being often looked down upon.

I also see now, that my ex therapist was wrong about many things. For example she sugested not to search for support online. But when I read your comment I felt better. And thank you very much for enviting me to write .

Your suggestions are also very valuable. Right now I'm already working on my sleep patterns. You wrote that it helps you, so it gives more motivation for me to try harder. I'll also definitely check out the article .

Also, usually, I don't like people touching me, but after reading your comment I'm up to hugs :-)

I also suffered sibling abuse when I was growing up. I can really relate to some of the things you were saying. My sister is younger than me though. I was the more passive one and she was aggressive. She didn't hurt me physically, but definitely mentally and emotionally. She would be loving and caring one minute and the next she would be tearing a strip off me. She knew me well enough to know how to cut me to the bone. The back and forth emotionally took it's toll on me. I had no idea what to do with the pain I felt because of her. I never knew how she would react to me or anyone else. Our family was always walking on egg shells around her. It has taken me years and years to heal (mostly) from her abuse and I am still sometimes afraid of her even though she's different now.
You're right that we don't hear much about sibling abuse and that most therapists don't know what to do with it. It's too bad bc I think it's more common than we hear about. Don't give up on your healing though. It's too important! Hugs from me too!

Welcome to Psych Central thinkandoer. I too suffered physical and mental abuse from an older sister as well as molestation. Lucky for me I went into a children's home with my younger sister and never saw the older one again. Is it possible our sisters have mental illness themselves? I have often wonder this and have found a way to forgive her by thinking maybe she did.

I'm glad you have learned to stand up for yourself.

Welcome thinkandoer

I'm also a survivor of sibling abuse - two older sisters who abused me sexually and emotionally. I'm a man. One I don't talk to as she simply shows no remorse and I don't think she could even admit to herself today what she did to me. You sound very brave and strong to live your own life. Your therapist seems pathetic by being condescending and not telling you to look for online support. Find another therapist that will respect and understand you!

Your sister seems similar to my sister the way you described her. But remember usually the whole family is dysfunctional, not just your sister. The more you explore this you may find other family members who did not treat you well. I've done a lot of research on dysfunctional families and each child in the family has to conform to a rigid role. There are four main roles: Golden child - probably your sister who was considered perfect and could never do anything wrong. The clown - this child laughs and jokes to lessen the heaviness of dysfunction in the family. The lost child - ignored by all. Finally, the scapegoat - this might be you (me too). The family and abusers direct all shame, guilt and blame at the scapegoat. They are blamed for everything wrong in the family.

Well I hope this helps. Feel free to private message me. There is a very good website that explores more about dysfunctional families particularly toxic parents: LIGHT'S HOUSE - Support for Adult Children of Toxic Parents

Peace

PH

Hi thinkandoer,

I too am a survivor of sibling abuse. I suffered abuse at the hands of both my older brothers (sexual, physical and emotional). You're right that it is a hidden and misunderstood type of abuse. Some people just don't get that sibling abuse is way more than sibling rivalry and rough play. People tend to use their own experience to understand things and, based on their sibling experience, can downplay the impact of severe sibling abuse.

The best decision I made was to seek support from a trauma counsellor. I was 30 when I first reached out for support. My counsellor is the best thing that's happened to me.

Remember you are not alone.

Iamalioness, thank you for your comment and for sharing your story with me. I’m glad that you are successful in your process of healing, that takes a lot.
Yes, sibling abuse is totally overlooked in spite of its frequency. I’ve heard statistics that it’s more common than other family types of abuse combined.
Hugs!

Ruftin, thanks for sharing and for your support. I think, that keeping distance from toxic people is the most important thing to do. I’m glad you were able to do that and to survive what you have described and even found a way to forgive. It’s a hard thing to do, I’m still working on it every day. My sister is thriving, so that doesn’t make it easier for me :-( But I knew that I had to work on it because my hatred was poisoning me while she was fine. I found an advice on the Internet: whenever you feel hatred to wish well to the person you hate. But to keep distance and to do what’s best for you. It’s a bit artificial but for me it does have some effect. Unfortunately, as I cannot move out I cannot distance myself as much as I would like to. So I have to do this exercise quite a lot. And, unfortunately, in spite of trying I still have huge difficulties to stand up for myself. But at least now I know a bit better how to work on it.

Dear Purple Heart and ThingWithFeathers,
Thank you so much for sharing your stories and support!
Unfortunately, it takes too long for me to write using speech recognition due to my health issues. Your comments are very important for me and I’ll answer them tomorrow around the same time

hi thinkandoer
you are right. i dont see people talking about sibling abuse. i am sorry that you had to go through this. i had a sister with a mental health disorder who would always take her anger out on me. she was very unpredictable and jealous of me. she was physically violent with me and verbally abusive and very threatening. i had nightmares for much of my adult life that she was going to hunt me down and kill me. i am sure living with her contributed to my ptsd of growing up in an abusive home. with much treatment i would say the last eight years of her life she was much better and we healed the relationship. just wanted to let you know, you are not alone in this matter. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Purple Heart, sorry for my late reply. Thank you for your very kind words and for sharing your experience. I have big respect for those who speak out about their abuse and I have even so much more respect when men speak out. Because I think that it’s so much harder for men to do it because of all stupid archaic stereotypes in society. I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. You’re absolutely right to cut the ties with sister who doesn’t admit to her wrongdoings. My sister doesn’t deny what she did but she’s not sincerely sorry and she thinks that I should just forget. So, me cutting ties with her was probably the best thing I’ve done in my life even if I paid for it. I also read quite a few stories on the Internet and there was often the situation that when survivors of abuse disowned toxic siblings they started to live better. Even though family often pressures to reconcile, it’s often not in the interests of survivor.


You’re absolutely right, my therapist was awful and she couldn’t be more wrong about online support :-) I will be more careful when choosing therapist next time.

That’s very interesting thing you described about roles. You guessed right about my sister, she was and is “golden”. And I was “lost” and a “clown”, then I also became “golden”. You’re absolutely right that the whole family is usually dysfunctional. My dad and sister have narcissistic personalities, and my dad also mistreated me although not as much as my sister did. Although I had some positive attention from my dad when I was “golden”. When I started to have health issues he has lost his interest. It's interesting theory about these roles. Is there also written somewhere what people are supposed to do, what to do to get better or improve these roles or something like that?(Maybe I want too much :-) Is there a book about these roles?

I read two books that more than others helped me understand dynamics in my family and about people in general. The books are about main types of characters (arround 5). One of them always put interest of others before hes/hers and has some difficulty to stand up for himself/herself. Also often people who are abused can add this type of character to their mix. These people may become an easy prey. There is also a type of character in one book called narcissist and in another epileptoid. These types of people love power and often can become abusers (although sometimes they can apply themselves for common good and become a good policemen, for example ). And the worst type of situation is when they abuse the first type of person. And it's a quarter or fifth of the population who have this narcissistic character. There are a lot of good people but also there are a lot of bad people. This book helped me better see who's who, although it's hard to see narcissist cuz they are usually wearing masks and appear the most charming people. Here is one of these books. Psychoanalytic Diagnosis: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process by Nancy McWilliams

Thanks for inviting me to write you PMs. I definitely will! You also feel free to write me :-)

Hi ThingWithFeathers,
Yeah, the thing about sibling abuse,is that statistically it’s too often not just a simple rivalry. I think that its significance often downplayed because of what you said and also by the abusers themselves, which according to statistics of occurrence of sibling abuse, would be quite a significant part of population. Also parents, not always thinking about interests of the survivor and trying to reconcile siblings are gonna downplay the abuse. And here we get another portion of population.
I’m very sorry to hear about your horrible experience. And I wanna wish you well and to say something right. And I don’t know how but these are my intentions. I am so glad that you found a good counselor. I know that it’s not easy. In my city it’s even harder. The standard for therapists is quite low and it’s better none than a bad therapist, so we’ll see… At least I found a nice forum :-)

You enquired about books to read about family roles? John Bradshaw is one of my favourite authors, he is an American psychologist, been around a long time. I've read many of his books. Try these: Bradshaw on the Family; and Family Secrets, what you don't know can hurt you. The last one I enjoyed immensely and sure happens in my family with secrets that are destructive as they're not talked about. By the way your writing of English is very good for a person where English is your second language. I hope this helps.

PH

Thanks a lot for book suggestions. I'll definitely check them out. And thanks for the compliment. It was supposed to get better after I was studying in English. But I'm still struggling with my English everytime I use it :-)

Hi Kaliope. Thanks a lot for sharing and for your support.I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. I'm glad that situation is improving for your family. You seem like a nice and caring person, I hope karma or something like that exists . You are right, the forum seems great and has some of the topics where I'd like to post. it also feels less lonely here