[nervous puppy]

I've been seeing a new T since Dec. so it's about 4 1/2 months. Last week I finally let her read something I wrote to my old T back in 2006. It was a note about the sexual abuse that my cousin did to me from the time I was about 8 yrs old until I was 14. It went into some of the details that I remembered. I haven't read it since I wrote it.
Old T and I didn't spend a lot of time talking about it mainly because I was simply unable to. She was the first person to ever know any details.
New T, is now the second person. We talked about it last week. It was a little easier with her. I'm guess or assuming it's because it was talked about before. I just don't know where I'm at as far as dealing with the abuse. I know that I still have old self preservation behaviors, so maybe that's what I need to work out.
I don't know.
there is more to the story that I haven't discussed with anyone. I still carry the shame. I guess I will have to bring this up during next session. It's ugly stuff. This will be a first time sharing it.
I'm scared. Session is scheduled for almost 2 weeks out. Going to be a long wait...
I'm also wondering how many sessions we will devote to this.

[nervous puppy]

Maybe here is a safe place to go into that "ugly stuff"?
It has nothing to do with my cousin, at least not directly.
It has everything to do with me. And the two neighbor boys (same age as me). This could get way too long, and I don't have the energy to get into long explanations.
I think, feel, that I became the perpetrator. I "showed" them the "game" my cousin played with me.
It's out now. That's all I can say for now.

[celtic.starlite]

Hi nervous puppy,

I'm sorry to hear that you went through these scary and hurtful things. You're doing the right thing by talking about them even though it is hard.

I believe you can feel safe to let everything out here on the forum, just make sure you add trigger warning.

I do not know what the games were that you played, but I think I can relate to feeling like you're the perpetrator. I also played games with friends as a child and at times I do feel like the perpetrator too. Other times I just feel guilty because I always knew the games were wrong.

Please keep talking and continue your healing journey.

Celtic

[lightcatcher]

Hi nervous puppy,
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that you've been through this. Our stories are similar. Well done on sharing with your T, it's all about the small steps and you have started which I admire!
Keep talking with your T and being kind to yourself.

[RainbowG]

Talking about sexual abuse with a T is definitely healing, but please make sure you're not pushing yourself too hard. There's no reason to do a marathon of sessions on this painful topic. If you feel like it's too much, you can take a break from it and return to it when you're feeling better able to deal with it.

It's difficult not to blame ourselves when we initiate actions that we were taught by our abusers, but it's really not our fault. We were taught them by people we trusted. I've done it too, not just with the sexual abuse but also with the emotional abuse. The best we can do is forgive ourselves and make sure we don't do it ever again. Maybe part of the reason we feel so guilty is because we think we're like our abusers. The fact that we feel badly about it and take steps to work through it raises us above what we might call "real" abusers, who rarely recognize that what they've done is wrong.

Please practice self-care through this difficult time.