Trigger Warning...Contents have CSA incidents

Hi all,

I am a 30 yr old woman. My dad molested me when I was 13, till I was 15. I think he might have abused me when I was around 8, but I frankly don't remember much of it. During my teens, he also verbally abused me, made me feel stupid, worthless and ugly.

I have coped with it fine, I think. Recovery was a long, tough journey and mostly through internet.

But once in a while, I do feel immense amount of guilt and shame. I know it was not my fault, but feelings are just feelings - you have no control over them.

Sorry if it triggers or grosses anyone out....

There are 2 incidents from my life that make me feel guilt and shame and I've never really been able to cope up with it.

1. When my maternal grandmother died when I was 14, my mom went alone for the funeral.

I felt extremely guilty and shameful. I felt and still feel like I am the other woman in my mother's life.

2. By the time I was in my college, the abuse stopped. My dad and I had a somewhat seemingly normal relationship. One day he asked if he could watch a show and we watched TV together. The show ended, and he left. Nothing happened. But I had this really deep thought "I wish my dad would die"
He suffered a near fatal stroke the very next day. He survived it, but became paralysed. He died 6 yrs later.

I kinda feel guilty for my father's death....almost as if my wish killed him.

I have been carrying a lot of guilt because of these 2 incidents. Just wanted to share and get it out of my chest.....

Thank you for reading. Again, sorry if any of it triggered or grossed you out.

You do not need to feel any guilty whatsoever. None of this was your fault, you were a helpless child.
As for enjoying his touch, that is not unusual it is simply a bodily fuction, an involuntary reaction. You were a child wanting to please, he was guilty not you.
To 'fight back' was not a option a child is at the mercy of the adults around it, a child is small, dependant, and has no power.

As for wishing he would die, I don't blame you. I would have though the same. ln fact I have thought the same thing many times.
The stroke the next day is nothing to do with your thought. Just a coincidence.
You wish did not kill him.

No one will be grossed out.

YOU NEED TO FEEL NO GUILT.

I connect with what you are feeling in both of your scenarios. I was abused by my cousin who is 3 years older then me. And have a hard time with the guilt and shame because I never stopped him and even liked the attention he gave me. I suffer with that guilt too, but am trying to remind myself that I was never at fault. You are not at fault for your fathers actions or your reactions!

And as for wishing your dad would die I have horrible guilt on a thought I had regarding my brother, so at the time he was suffering from cardiomyopathy and was recovering from a heart transplant at the age of 26. There was no abuse in our past, just common sibling rivarly mixed with personality conflicts. After a big fight one day I thought how simpler life would be if he was just died. Several months later he had a fatal heart attack. We hadn't talked since that fight and I had such shame and guilt for my horrible thought process. My T has helped me realize that thoughts are just thoughts. Harmless and powerless. We also processed the tumultous relationship that we had and why a thought like that could enter my head.
I hope releasing those vulnerable memories will help start the healing process and if you are in therapy I highly encourage you to discuss them with your therapist. Thanks for being brave and sharing your story, not that I wish these feelings on anyone but it's nice to know I'm not alone either.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through. NONE of it was your fault. Your father shouldn't have done what he did. Your father would have suffered that stroke whether you thought it or not.

My dad was similar to yours. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened.

It's true that feelings are just feelings, but it is possible to be with yourself while you are having them. It has taken a lot of time and practice but I've started to view my feelings as a message about what I need and trying to give that to myself. Gradually it's like there's a bit more of me around the feelings, if that makes sense?

Abuse pushes you into dealing with situations and worries that you simply shouldn't have to deal with. None of it was your fault.

You aren't powerful enough to kill him. I promise. It's awful timing, but it wasn't your fault.

When my mother died, I was nine. I thought it was my fault. When I was 20, my aunt got cancer. I had to fight thoughts about why she got it, like, "If I hadn't run away from home when I was 16, this would not have happened..." and so on. It was awful.

I know it was not my fault, now.

If someone tells us that thoughts kill people, I believe that's a delusion they are having. Thoughts do not kill people!

Thanks,

Carol

Thank you soooo much for reading and replying...

I just wish my therapist said the things you guys here said instead of asking "why didn't you move out his hands".... I have never shared this incident with anyone and I'm not sure I've completely dealt with it or I ever will, but it feels a little better after reading your thoughts.

Thank you so much....it feels so good to find support, when no one around you understands. All my love

The minute you feel guilt and shame (that belongs to the abuser).....tell yourself that the abuser CHOSE to abuse you, and it was HIS fault. I know intellectually yu know it wasn't your fault, but those old tapes replay in your head.

Knowing the difference between YOUR stuff and someone else's is a big key. I have heard good things about EMDR....have you ever tried that?

My Dr. old me this and I try to remember it. U r not that powerful. U couldn't stop it, u couldn't change it, u couldn't cause it. U just aren't that powerful. It made me angry cuz I wanted to be powerful. Darn!!

@marmaduke - Thank you for reading and replying. May be you are right. Being compliant increases your chance of things not getting violent, as I recall from one incident.
May be being compliant to abuse is a learned behavior and also the wrong notion that adults/your family can never hurt is drilled from childhood, adds to it.

I try to convince myself that my wishes did not kill him, but guilt is also part and parcel of a dysfunctional family...so I guess it would take a lot of time to accept the facts.


@whiteroses - Thank you for reading and replying. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one, whether you had any issues with them or not is so hard. I read once that life is like a diary and that start date of the entry and the final entry is already decided. Sometimes I feel that your own gut feeling comes to you as thoughts.

You put it correctly, I also don't wish these feelings on anyone, but it's good to know that I am not alone fighting these thoughts either.

@ Breadfish - Thank you for reading and replying. I try to tell myself that too. Some days I accept it and some days I feel completely overwhelmed with guilt.
I feel guilty for the thought that "caused" the stroke coz it was a very deep thought, that I had never felt. I do hope therapy will erase that guilt and hope to enter one soon.

@tinyrabbit - Thank you for reading and replying. I'm so sorry that you had a monster dad too. We are raised saying that family can never hurt you and adults are always right. Everyone warns about the wolf in sheep's clothing outside, but no one warns you that there could be one inside your home too. I guess when you are undergo abuse, you really don't know what to do. Heck, even adults don't know what to do, what chances do kids have?

"You aren't powerful enough to kill him." Thank you

@ BrokenNBeautiful - Thank you for reading and replying. I am so sorry you lost your mother at 9 and aunt at 20. It's awful to lose someone. Heck, I was so sad when I lost my dad, even though he was a narcissist who made my life hell for atleast 2-3 yrs of my life.

I guess when we are young, even the tiniest amount of guilt reinforced by caregivers sets a "guilty" attitude for a lifetime, unless we work on it thru therapy...or just people who understand.


@ nicoleflynn - Thank you for reading and replying. I understand that it was my dad's fault, but that one action has really made me miserable with guilt for a loooong time. I, sometimes believe that it was not my fault for complying, but there are days when I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for that action. But I guess when you are abused, your brain changes, craving things because of chemical release or something.

I have heard about EDMR too. I want to go to therapy, but over the years I've learned to put myself last. Thanks for your kind words.

@ cavaliers - Thank you for reading and replying. Sometimes I feel so angry that I imagine smashing his skull. I know I am not supposed to believe that my wish caused an action, but it was a very deep thought and I was arnd 18 and was convinced I was guilty.

"It made me angry cuz I wanted to be powerful." Believe me, you don't want that "power".

I realize this post is old but I hope you found another therapist. The one your speaking of here is toxic.