[BrokenNBeautiful]

I have noticed a lot of "check in" threads on the boards that I visit and I want to start one for Survivors.

especially if we are not sure if we want to post a new thread. I am not always comfortable starting a new thread, but lately I need to just check in each day.

I will see how this catches on.

My checkin:

Today, I had to get off and on 2 buses on my way home because, again, many men crowded on and I could hardly breathe.

I wanted to have s*x with Arvind last night, but still did not feel ready. I feel sooooo sad about not being able to have s*x. I want it like anyone, wish so much I was not a survivor.

I also wish I was not scared of so many things. I still feel so childish.

Carol

[Silent_Tears_17]

Today was bad. Felt so dirty and selfish and guilty. But I see my T tomorrow...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Silent_Tears_17

Today was bad. Felt so dirty and selfish and guilty. But I see my T tomorrow...

I am glad you have someone to talk to. sorry you feel this way.

I relate.

You are heard, you are loved.

Carol

[angel79]

Today I feel lonely, hurt and confused about everything. Roll on the weekend when my bf home

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I did not feel like going to a co ed meeting today or riding the bus.

tonight, I plan to go to a new women's meeting across town. I would take a cab, but it's too far. G*d I hate public transportation!

I wish there were more daytime women's groups.

It has been a month now since Arvind and I stopped being lovers.

One of the reasons I am doing only women's meetings (Ani wants me to do only women's) is because I need to feel safe and as though I have ample room for my addiction recovery without feeling like I have to please men or feel harrassed.

Carol

[shezbut]

Sometimes, my bf triggers me by pointing out how he could never, ever physically hurt me. It feels as though someone threw ice cold water on a little flame. It is simply perplexing to me.....my bf knows my past....why does he say this to me???

Okay today ...

Sent reeling yesterday (triggered at work) ...

Feelings of humiliation, guilt, shame and anger flooded and overwhelmed me ... Had a good cry about it and even lost some sleep over it last night ...

But I made sure to address it first thing this morning (in a responsible manner) ... Still a bit teary while talking about it (but didn't care - I had been dealt with inappropriately, it hurt my feelings and I certainly didn't mind letting it be known) ...

I'm still a bit tender and touchy about it today but am right proud of myself for the way I handled it instead of allowing my anger to just grab hold and make me respond in a way that would have been less than productive ...

So, all in all, I think that's a small victory I should be proud of ...

[AzureRain]

I think a daily checkup is a very good idea. I went through a life transitions class that did the same thing and it really does get you thinking about what going on underneath. The way we did it made me feel really dumb though. It went around the circle like this: first we gave our mood then, we said one thing we were proud of doing the day before or that morning before class, and finally chose an affirmation that served kind of like a goal until the next day. You ended up getting to know people quite well without getting that "your in my personal space" kind of feeling (really nice for ppl with intimacy issues like me).

I know no one here knows me but, do you mind if I do the daily check in as well?

[tinyrabbit]

Can I join? Have had a tough week. Remembered some very frightening, painful things about my ex. I've been dealing with childhood stuff in T so far and then this came up. T managed to fit me in for an extra session and I misunderstood something he said, thought he was saying I shouldn't have called him (he wasn't) and started hyperventilating. I felt better by the time I left but am still pretty upset and shaken up. As my T said: the world is a very frightening place for me right now.

[kittycat97]

Feel depressed and irritated as usual today...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by AzureRain

I think a daily checkup is a very good idea. I went through a life transitions class that did the same thing and it really does get you thinking about what going on underneath. The way we did it made me feel really dumb though. It went around the circle like this: first we gave our mood then, we said one thing we were proud of doing the day before or that morning before class, and finally chose an affirmation that served kind of like a goal until the next day. You ended up getting to know people quite well without getting that "your in my personal space" kind of feeling (really nice for ppl with intimacy issues like me).

I know no one here knows me but, do you mind if I do the daily check in as well?

This is for everyone who is a survivor of trauma or abuse of any kind. I am glad you shared with us.

I know you now. Nice to meet you.

Carol, fellow survivor

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Today I got in touch very painfully (cause I was triggered today about emotional abuse) with some strong feelings, again, of being unwanted.

[kittycat97]

Hope that tmr will be a better day for you. It's getting late at your side. Sleep tight

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I did not make it to my morning women's meeting. I needed to sleep in. Weekends are extremely triggery for me. I want Arvind s*x*ally. And I can't do it. I am so angsty and sad.

I don't feel like going out today, even though it might be good for me. Being on the go all week and I must rest or I will get sick again.

I have to get sick in order to rest. SAD.

How is everyone this weekend?

Carol

[shezbut]

I am having a really tough time finding the motivation to get out of bed; eat something and take my meds; respond to posts online; and go work out. It feels as though depression is kicking me harder and harder as the days go by.

[kittycat97]

I skipped school today.

[AzureRain]

This week the men in this family nearly ruined my (just turned) seven year old's birth. This last Mon. - Wed. my husband harassed me non-stop from waking till bed, again and again. Thurs. and Fri. he was very apologetic as I thteatened to call it quits on our marriage. Wed. was her birthday and it was about all I could do to keep it together and by Fri. I couln't even get her party cake done. I was supposed to stay at my husbands house, with my younger kids, so we could have a party Sat. but, getting out of the house Friday night was nearly impossible. My husband and I were going to finish this cake I had started but we decided to push the party to Sunday, last minute, saving the cake for Saturday night. Well, that would have been fine except it became my adult son's turn to loose his head. At 4 a.m. I was awaken by a thud so hard that it shook the house. I woke my husband and we laid there listening, trying to determine what was happening. A few minutes later, we were ripped from our beds, in motion before we could have a thought, in response to a blood curdling scream, although we didn't even know that this alarming sound was such until we entered the kitchen. My grandchild's mother lay on the floor in a mound, crying so hard that to not a sound came from her. Then, with a breath, the most heartbroken cry of pain came from her as she slowly rose to sit, holding her head.

My son had urinated on her and then, grabbed her by the hair and slammed her head to the floor and for the remainder of that morning, my husband protected her and the other kids from the ensuing violence, throwing him out, shirtless into the dark. My grandson and his mother, my seven year old daughter and I, slept together until late Saturday morning while my husband kept my son away. He was home but forced quiet and docile by threat of being arrested. My son kept on and is still going. We can't leave his girl alone without him making his way to her for an other assault. I'm wanting her to come home with me but she's chosen to stay at her mother's. This is a mess. I'm fed up and I've announced a revolution. Me, my daughter and my son's girl (also my daughter now) have decided that this family is now matriarch!

[AzureRain]

Dang phone makes posting difficult to say the least!

[Butterflies Are Free]

I am doing a lot of inner child work, which is good. Would like to be in a relationship but am not quite there yet...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Can I join?

Of course you can join! Welcome!

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

today was a little better. I still did not go anywhere, really, but Arvind called and wanted to help me go out for a walk, so we did.

I cannot believe how my ptsd is! I took out *2* bags of trash from my room; I was afraid to pass my neighbors or go thru the alley to put them out. Today, I finally took them out and my neighbor passed me; he saw me, did not smile at me or say hi and I could not believe what went thru my head then: "He is really mad at me. I shouldn't even be sharing the air with him; I should not be out of the house and in his way." OMG...! PTSD is amazing. That man is okay; he's friendly, usually. But the things that go thru my head because of the PTSD.

I spent the afternoon listening to recovery CD's and then that walk with Arvind.

The CD's helped me get grounded again. They are about walking thru fear. And social phobia.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It was a difficult time on the bus today. g*d it was crowded. I had to keep changing seats until I could not find a safe seat anywhere.

I wish men would respect my space!!!!! I am sick of them sitting in the disabled seating (young, able men!), sick of them standing over me, by the door when they have places to sit down (not next to me)

Or inadvertently brushing against me without saying excuse me.

I hate standing in the aisles with them all around me.

I hate having to be careful not to be followed home.

I hate when they think I am crazy when I react to them sprawling on the seats, sprawling their feet in the aisles when they have to sit across from me in the disabled seats! Or when they think I am crazy when I don't want them to sit by me, or when I move to another seat or stand!

I can't believe in this day and age of s abuse knowledge they are still acting so ignorant.

I am glad when some do say excuse me or when they do understand.

But so many don't.

Thank goodness for SHMW---my self-made program that addresses survivor issues! It's helping me realize I am not crazy and not bad because I still react or because men are upset with me over my reactions.

So many people cannot accept that women get abused, harrassed, r*ped, m***sted, etc. And that there must be a way to stop it.

G*d, I hate riding the bus!!!!!

Carol

[tinyrabbit]

Sorry to hear you've had such stress on the bus.

Had a good session with my T today. Feeling much better than last week, which was crisis central.

Hugs to those who need them.

[angel79]

Today I feel very low. The ex is trying to manipulate the kids so been told to get restraining order and supervised visits :-( alot of bad memories arising to the surface aswell today. Wish I could just hide away

[vangelisk]

I created one of my best artworks. Also managed to go to the gym and eat at least two meals. But confessing my mom i actually studied abroad to get away from her was a weird ending.