[Terabithia]

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post. I hope some one can bear with me. For the longest time I felt no connection or feelings about my dad at all, and it was great. I'm 46 years old. When he came to town to visit my brother and sister and their children, I wouldn't be there, because it just wasn't healthy for me. But recently he sent my sister an email asking for our signatures to allow him to publish a book that he wrote about an adventure he went on with my brother and sister. Reading this book was excrutiatingly painful. He made himself out to look like he was a great dad, when he was actually abusive (a word I have not comfortably been able to say until recently). He made our family appear to be a happy, close family. When he said that he kissed me on the cheek, I cringed in disgust, and when he said that he and my sister could huddle together at night, I cringed for my sister, and when he said that my sister grabbed on to his belt as they walked, I thought of him using his belt to whip me.

I wrote him a letter, finally after so many years of not wanting to confront him - I felt too ashamed, I didn't want to express my feelings because I didn't want to connect, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I wrote it as respectfully as I could, leaving out some details, because I felt too ashamed to write of them and didn't think he'd remember anyway(innapropriate things he did when I was growing up). So the response I got from him was, "Do you think you could give me your signature if I changed your name?"

I have been so torn up over this. I thought I had no emotional connection at all, but I'm feeling so upset and angry, and I can't seem to get rid of it. I always thought that alot of my self-hatred and suicidal thoughts came from how he treated me, but I guess I'm just seeing now how awful he was. Does my dad have a mental illness? What kind of response is this? I'm in shock at how delusional he is about how he was and how our family was, and I just keep thinking that it explains so much of my life and the pain I've put myself through. I've always been one to internalize anger, but right now I'm not, and it feels just as awful.

One of the situations in which I felt he was innaproriate was when I was probably 8 years old and my sister was eleven, he got into bed with us and read us a story about sex and our bodies. It was a pretty uncomfortable experience. So, when I first started seeing a therapist, when I was maybe 17, my dad suggested to me to talk to my therapist about the time when...(that particular situation). He said, "Your face turned white as a ghost."

I'm just trying to figure out what kind of man my dad is - Is this typical behavior of someone who is abusive? And how do I get rid of this anger I'm feeling? I'm not seeing a counselor, and I really don't want to, because it will just make me dwell on things more. I feel more comfortable posting on PC.

Sorry again for the lengthiness of this, and I appreciate whoever was able to read it.

[CopperStar]

Anger is a natural, instinctive part of your physiological survival mechanisms.

Fight/Flight/Freeze = Anger/Fear/Disassociation

Anger is meant to give you the courage, determination and strength to defend yourself or those whom you love.

Whenever you are feeling anger, and it is not the result of a mental illness (yours is clearly not, you have clear reason to be angry), it means that your brain has identified a threat, and you need to deal with it. Your anger is there to help you deal with it, give you motivation and 'oomph' to deal with it.

I get the impression that you don't want to give him permission, you don't want to give him the signature - all of which makes perfect sense, all things considered.

However you also seem to have fear and shame issues. You are vulnerable because this was your father and he emotionally wounded you. You are vulnerable to being emotionally manipulated into doing something you don't want to do.

In comes anger - a loud and clear signal that you are being threatened. Anger makes its appearance to let you know that this is not healthy, this person is a threat, and you shouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

[Terabithia]

Thank you so much for your understanding response. Reading it felt healing to me. I'm needing so much validation right now and you really validated my feelings. And thank you for showing me a new way to look at my anger.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I too have had so much anger over abuse, inappropriate sexual behaviors and parents just acting like it was nothing. If I hear, "But we're a family" one more time I will puke.

I've gotten beyond some of it and some still haunts me. I know now without ONE doubt that it is them and not me! You'll get there too! We all deal with things differently and in our own time. I was told to walk it off, journal, etc. I could walk to China some days...

Hang in there. You're worth it! ((HUGS))

Cat

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Cat_Lover_58

I too have had so much anger over abuse, inappropriate sexual behaviors and parents just acting like it was nothing. If I hear, "But we're a family" one more time I will puke.

I've gotten beyond some of it and some still haunts me. I know now without ONE doubt that it is them and not me! You'll get there too! We all deal with things differently and in our own time. I was told to walk it off, journal, etc. I could walk to China some days...

Hang in there. You're worth it! ((HUGS))

Cat

Oh my absolute favorite is when you get advised to write your abuser a letter telling them what you really think and feel - and then throw it away. Yes, yes go ahead and invalidate yourself even more, it's what your abuser would have wanted, anyway. *condescending pat on the head*