[OrionLN]

Recently my partner has taken to accusing me of being abusive but I'm the one feeling abused and it's leaving me confused.

First some background information. I have bipolar disorder and I'm untreated as of 4 years ago. I was diagnosed when I was 12 but none of the treatments seemed to help. I also was supposed to engage in psychological counseling but was unable to effectively do so. My mother was abusive but every time I would receive advice she would do something to erase the effort. For example, if I was told to write down my feelings, she would read my diary and confront me. She would also search my things. If the psychologist actually addressed her behavior, I'd never see that doctor again. My father also never bothered to learn about bipolar disorder and was disinterested. My mother committed suicide and right now I am No Contact with my father because of it. As a result of all this, I have always had a difficult time expressing my feelings and I would just bottle it up. Right now, I have practiced being self aware of my mood swings. If I feel my frustration and anxiety rise to a level that I will break down or explode, I try to remove myself from the situation so that I may recoup. Now the reason I am unmedicated is because my partner shamed me for taking pills. While I may have been toying with the idea of stopping medication, the shaming was the catalyst. He alternates between denying and apologizing for doing this.

My partner also had an abused past. His father would beat his mother and he was sexually abused as well. He says he probably has PTSD also complicated by serving in the military and he says he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and ADD as well. He doesn't get treatment for any of the disorders he says he has. He doesn't do it very often, but when he got back from Iraq, he was bad about shoving me and throwing things at me. He also has broken my things and put holes in the wall. The first time he did this, because I was also having difficulty with my emotional health, I threw a glass bottle meaning to hit the wall but it clipped his forehead. I honestly wasn't aiming at him and I feel guilty that I let it get that out of control. His reaction was to hold me down and slap me a bunch of times which left me with bruises on my eyes from my glasses. The last time that he let it get out of hand was a year ago. Unfortunately he also alternates between apologizing (and blaming it on his upbringing) and denying specific incidents so I don't really have closure. And when I bring it up, he brings up the glass bottle and refuses any notion that it was an accident.

Whenever we got into arguments he used to threaten to leave me all the time. Eventually he threatened enough that I gave him an ultimatum (that if he wants to leave then I won't chase after him anymore). He stopped for a long time but recently he's taking to threatening suicide (and I think he means it). Also recently, he has started to accuse me of abusing him.

My partner has tried to encourage me to speak about my feelings to him but I constantly feel tricked. He says everything is okay until suddenly it isn't and I frequently regret telling him anything. Here is an example from what happened tonight. A couple weeks ago at a restaurant, I had texted a friend a couple times, finishing up a conversation that was started before I left the house. For the record, I rarely talk to people on the phone, texting or otherwise. He said "If you are going to stay on your phone, you can pay for your own f****** meal". It was very humiliating because I am 10 years younger and I am frequently mistaken as his daughter. So when people hear that sort of thing, they look at me like I'm some ungrateful and disrespectful teenager. I approached him tonight and said "Hey can I talk to you about something that's been bothering me?" (he said I attacked him and denies being defensive). I barely got into the middle of my second sentence before he interrupted me and said he didn't say it that loud and it was a joke. I was trying to tell him that while I understand you were joking, this is why it was hurtful but he wouldn't let me get that far. He started talking about how he was feeling bad and how rude it was. I was trying to speak over him so he accused me of yelling (while he was yelling at me). He also accused me of interrupting him.

Now that self awareness thing comes back into play. I have had trouble with anxiety lately and have had panic attacks which he knows about. I felt my frustration and anxiety level rise to the point that I was going to have a bad episode and so I felt my options were to stand there and get yelled at or to remove myself from the situation. I have talked to my partner a million times about my emotional needs. I have asked him that when I feel like I'm going to break down, I need either for you to back off or I need to walk away so I can have time to recoup so that we can address the issue more calmly again later. When my anxiety reaches that level, I feel my ability to communicate and speak shut down. I said "Forget it. I won't talk about my feelings to you anymore" (he says this is manipulative) and went into another room and put my headphones on. I could still here him yelling at me from the other room but couldn't hear what was being said. He then sent me an email about silent treatment and narcissism. I got really angry because he was accusing me of giving him the silent treatment (again) and I admit I called him a couple names and told him I wanted to end the relationship. He said "Really? Just over this?" and I tried to tell him that this is a reoccurring issue and he won't listen to what I have to say. I suppose that's hypocritical of me since I told him he can't threaten to leave me every time he got mad (though he still does it).

He then came into the room and started arguing with me again. When I was trying to tell him how I was feeling, he kept interrupting me with counts of how many sentences I said ("8 sentences", "10 sentences") and accused me of trying to manipulate and dominate the conversation. He called me abusive several times. Because of the way my mind races, I have to start over my thoughts from the beginning in order to keep them straight and not confuse myself. I have to do this every time he interrupts me. He does it over and over again. Eventually I broke down sobbing on the floor. He wouldn't hear any of it when I tried to tell him he wouldn't let me finish. I gave up on that and gently reminded him of his agreement to be conscious of backing away when I need it and this is why. He said he did because he stayed in one place. I told him yelling at me from another room and sending inflammatory emails is not backing away. He still doesn't seem to get that. He also accuses me of "blaming it on my disorder".

In contrast, when he brings up his concerns about something I did that may have hurt him, I ask him what specific behavior hurt him so that I can be conscious of it. He gets angry when I ask that and has said "I don't want you to be conscious of it!". He also has been feeling very insecure lately because he hasn't finished school and I'm in grad school. The job market sucks here so he's working in places he doesn't want to be. He said I make him feel like I'm belittling him. I told him that I'm sorry if I made him feel that way and asked what behavior that did it (honestly because I have no idea). He said he didn't know. So I asked him if he was sure it was my behavior or if maybe he was feeling depressed and insecure again. I meant this as a conversational introspective question. He said I was abusive.

So when he is calling this abuse and silent treatment manipulation, I feel so frustrated because I physically can't get the words out and I guess I emotionally shut down. I feel very confused because he's saying I'm the abuser but I feel like I'm shut down and I'm exhausted. I don't understand why I feel this way if I'm the apparent abuser in this relationship. Am I really being abusive?

[CopperStar]

You remind me of myself some years ago. Going over all the details, the history, combing through it, analyzing everything. What I can tell you is that it doesn't matter. The relationship is extremely unhealthy, and you cannot change him. You can only work on yourself. Staying with another very dysfunctional person can be a way of avoiding working on yourself, creating a situation for yourself where dysfunctional is the 'normal'. Then you can distract yourself by obsessing over the details and who was right, who was wrong, who was to blame, who is the abusive one, etc. None of it will matter in the end. All that matters is that this relationship is very unhealthy for you, you cannot fix it, and you need to work on your own self, which you cannot do in such an unhealthy relationship and environment. I can also tell you that one way or another, stay or go, you have emotional pain to face. There is no avoiding it. Accepting that is a huge thing. However one form of pain will help you grow and set you free. The other will not.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, OrionLN, and welcome to Psych Central! You might be doing some things that could be perceived as "abusive," but there's no doubt that he is being abusive toward you. It's like you both are re-living your abusive pasts.

This relationship is very unhealthy. I suggest you see a therapist as soon as you can. Be prepared to leave, and don't buy into his suicide ploy. even if he didn't follow up on his threats, it would not be your fault.

I suggest you do not tell him even what we said. You will not be able to "win." That's my take anyway. Please keep in touch.

[nicoleflynn]

It is typical for an abuser to call someone else the abuser. HE is abusive.