[Eska]

I found this site a few weeks ago and joined because I think I'm ready to try and write down some of my story. My T knows a little of it but there's a lot I can't talk about yet.

My dad always had a bad temper and we were scared of him. Growing up I thought we were 'just' spanked and not beaten or abused but I'm rethinking that now. It escalated from smacking with a hand to a slipper to a belt, all on the bare butt. The last time I got the belt, I was 13 and I spilt nail varnish remover in the bathroom sink and took the surface right off. I was forced to take my pants down and hit hard enough that I couldn't sit down. I'm pretty sure that's too old for it to be appropriate to be hit on bare skin. It was so humiliating I never even told anyone that it happened.

That was my last spanking but he would still get physical with me. I had a couple of slaps to the face for talking back, was pushed around and had things thrown at me. Once he punched me several times and left bruises on my arm. My brother is a total revisionist and says he was spanked and it did him no harm. I think it did do harm. I was frightened of getting in trouble and got some wrong messages about my body and what I should put up with.

There was another child who made me do things. I had trouble calling it sexual abuse as I didn't realise that was what it was at the time and then I was worried that it didn't count because he was a kid. It started when I was seven and he was eight. My mum and his mum were friends. She was divorced and was having some hospital treatment on and off so he would stay with us and that's how come it started. I think it went on for a couple of years. I was scared I'd get in trouble if my parents found out.

I'm still having trouble admitting that it was actually a big deal. I'm not sure I fully understand why it seems to have traumatised me as it didn't go as far as it could have. I didn't like what was happening but I did want him to like me and be my friend. It's very confusing. I was quite easily manipulated as I hadn't learned to stand up for myself. Sometimes I wonder if it's fair to call it abuse though as maybe he didn't realise I didn't want it. I'm not sure if he knew he was being abusive or if he was acting out something that was done to him. Maybe both?

I was bullied at school for a while and it was particularly bad when I was 15. Some of the bullying got kind of sexual, there were these boys who pinned me down and felt my chest on a couple of occasions. I didn't want to go to school and would try to say I was ill but my parents were the kind who only let you stay off if you were dying. There was a period of time when I wouldn't want to get up and go to school and my dad would pull the covers off and yell at me and then I'd go to school and have a bad time... I had fallen out with some friends and you know how that can get. I ended up moving schools at 16 which helped.

I also had a couple of abusive relationships but this is getting kind of long and I'm going to freak out if I try to write too much. I know it's not that bad compared to what a lot of people go through. My brother thinks we had good parents who just made a few mistakes like all parents but I'm not sure I buy it. I'm sure I showed signs of being abused and they never even noticed.

I just read this back and it seems so matter of fact. I have issues with this, I'm cut off from most of my feelings.

[CopperStar]

It's a very big and brave step to acknowledge past abuse and look at it for what it is: abuse. Go easy on yourself, it can be a very tough and anxiety-inducing leap, but it's also important. Accepting abuse as 'normal' only justifies abuse, even when you are justifying abuse against yourself. You are a person, and so justifying abuse against yourself, is still justifying abuse. This is part of why it's so important and courageous for survivors to acknowledge that they were abused and that it was unacceptable behavior from their perpetrators. You deserve to feel proud for taking a stand.

[Eska]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

It's a very big and brave step to acknowledge past abuse and look at it for what it is: abuse. Go easy on yourself, it can be a very tough and anxiety-inducing leap, but it's also important. Accepting abuse as 'normal' only justifies abuse, even when you are justifying abuse against yourself. You are a person, and so justifying abuse against yourself, is still justifying abuse. This is part of why it's so important and courageous for survivors to acknowledge that they were abused and that it was unacceptable behavior from their perpetrators. You deserve to feel proud for taking a stand.

Thank you. I never really thought about it like this. I keep trying to make an exception just for myself, like it doesn't matter as much. Sometimes I don't feel like a person...