[dissociative]

I have been suffering a lot, I can't remember time in my life when I wasn't unhappy/disturbed. There are reasons which I am perfectly aware of, and which would be enough to make you unhappy, like my violent alcoholic father, my mother who couldn't cope with that situation at all. But I have also issues which do point in the direction of sexual abuse. I tried counselling a few years ago, for a short while, and was asked if I was abused as a child; the counsellor was absolutely sure it did happen. I found that disturbing and a bit absurd. The problem is, my whole life is not normal, and especially my sexual life, and unfortunately it feels like the only logical explanation of my feelings, my behaviour, and most of my life's history. Something triggered me thinking about it now, not quite sure what; partly it is probably the shock of having been diagnosed with a serious condition recently, and having to undergo hospital treatment every few weeks. Maybe also something else. I get sick of it. Got nightmares and woke myself up shouting a few nights back, after reading about symptoms of childhood abuse. The following day was full of headaches and vomiting. The reason why I need to know what's wrong with me is, that I don't feel safe any more. I'm afraid of getting myself in dangerous situations and not being able to control my surroundings. I use to go to swinger clubs sometimes, it is always very safe, but I got scared and disgusted last time, because I got a short blackout, or trance, not even sure how to describe it, and practically almost got r****. Someone interrupted it, and it took me a few minutes to understand what was going on. I'm scared of it. Same thing happened when I was 19 (not in swinger club),

Possible trigger:

but I did get raped,

and instead of running away, actually stayed with that guy and continued that screwed sex relationship for a few months. Sick Stockholm syndrome. I really dont understand why I act the way I do, and I cant talk to anyone about it, because thats not a standard behaviour, and I cant count on people to understand it. It's the first time I am talking about it, and it's easier for me to do it online. There have been other weird issues I dont feel comfortable talking about here. Now, I wonder if there could be any other reasonable explanation, other than childhood abuse. I would just prefer some other explanation.

[AnaWhitney]

Hi, sorry you are going through all of this.
I would be wary of any counsellor who is absolutely sure that abuse did happen. Maybe I am wrong but I feel that is their job to help you discover for yourself by exploring what you bring to the therapy session. You are the expert on you and it should never be about them and what they are certain of about your past. In saying this, it could well be that there is abuse in your past, or something else that is the cause of your behaviour today. In my opinion the only way to be sure is to work with a therapist who is right for you and who will guide you to discover for yourself. I am not saying that it wrong for them to suspect abuse in your past and ask you if this is the case, but it should always come back to you and your answers of these questions.
If you don't mind me asking, why did you stop seeing your last counsellor? I would strongly recommend doing some research on signs of a good therapeutic relationship, what to look out for and what to avoid. I really feel that the only way to be sure is to work with the right person, do your homework between therapy sessions and be patient. And I know that this is so much easier said than done. I hope I was of some help to you, and believe me, I have tried to get other people on forums to give me the answers too, and it does help but there really is no substitute for a strong therapeutic relationship. Please consider giving it another go!

[dissociative]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I would be wary of any counsellor who is absolutely sure that abuse did happen. You are the expert on you and it should never be about them and what they are certain of about your past.
If you don't mind me asking, why did you stop seeing your last counsellor? I would strongly recommend doing some research on signs of a good therapeutic relationship, what to look out for and what to avoid. Please consider giving it another go!

Hi Ana, I quit that counselling precisely because she confused me. I mean, there was a lot of abuse in my childhood, but she was explicitly pointing at sexual abuse, and that fricked me out, so I never came back to see her. She was jumping to conclusions before I could make sense of anything, and that was I think already in the second session. Just didnt make sense to me.

That said, I am being triggered a lot at the moment, and I'm not sure why that happens. I'm completely confused. I think I'm acting out a bit, with a lot of childish behaviour. I was told by friends in the past I was acting childish. Anyway I feel all the time I'm out of place, and not "normal". All of this still doesnt mean she was right; there are many kinds of abuse, and all of them are bad.

I'm in the process of arranging counselling; will know more early next week.

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by dissociative

I mean, there was a lot of abuse in my childhood, but she was explicitly pointing at sexual abuse

Sorry I should have specified that I was talking about sexual abuse too in my reply, sometimes I just say abuse because I hate the word 'sexual' but I know there are many types of abuse and they are all damaging. Sorry for generalizing, my bad!
I've read many stories about people experiences with therapists who want everyone to fit into the sexual abuse category so that is probably why I am so wary. Just this morning I came across Beth Rutherford's story online and I was pretty shocked at what some therapists are capable of. I actually do think that it's great that this story is out there though, so we can all be aware of the warning signs and hopefully avoid the devastation that can be caused. I mean, I have often come out of therapy confused, but that is because I have some hard work to do within myself from what has come up naturally, not because my T is leading me to believe things that I have no recollection of.
I'm glad you are giving it another chance, I hope you find a good match for your needs. Let me know how you get on if you feel like it

[dissociative]

There is no need for making things up, what I remember happening was bad enough, and would mess everyone up. That said, I seriously need to know where all my issues, including sexual ones, are coming from, because I don't feel safe at all going around not knowing what is wrong with me.

[eskielover]

I just replied to your post about acting childishly.......there is something that hit me reading this post.....& with things that T's I've had have said....there can be things that happen in our childhood that stop our emotional growth at that point & maybe that's where the childish actions or at least the desire for the childish actions are coming from is that you may not have advanced emotionally past that point in your life......just a thought.

A T isn't supposed to place reasons or thoughts in YOUR mind....a good T will ask questions that brings out your memories without suggesting anything because that places their influence on your mind & then it becomes their thought influence & not your own......that was bad T IMO.....

But they aren't all like that...but good you left that one...could have done more harm than good.

[dissociative]

Originally Posted by eskielover

there can be things that happen in our childhood that stop our emotional growth at that point & maybe that's where the childish actions or at least the desire for the childish actions are coming from is that you may not have advanced emotionally past that point in your life......just a thought.

Sure I was thinking about that also. And it just got worse now, for a good reason: I was diagnosed with a pretty horrible, physically disabling condition which has no cure, the shock of it was just too much to continue trying to be "normal", whatever that means. Now I guess I wish to be healthy at least psychologically, because I can't do that much about the other ...

[dissociative]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I've read many stories about people experiences with therapists who want everyone to fit into the sexual abuse category so that is probably why I am so wary. Just this morning I came across Beth Rutherford's story online and I was pretty shocked at what some therapists are capable of.

There was something else, which really put me off at that therapist. Immediately after suggesting I must have been sexually abused, she said I would have to learn to forgive. Ehm.. ah really? I dont think forgiveness is on my agenda at all. The only person I forgive was my mother. She was really unable to cope with her alcoholic husband.