[Heartfullofguilt2]

This is my first post and unsure of what I can and cannot say, but I'm desperate. Here's my story-sorry if it's too long

The single thing on my mind every 3 minutes is what I've done to my sister. I've talked to her about. She doesn't remember. But I do, be it hazy.
Possible Trigger

Possible trigger:

Somewhere around age 10 I remember walking into my sisters( who is 6 years younger than I) room. And for some reason I did something sexual to her. I have no idea as to why and no idea if i enjoyed it. I don't think I was forceful. no clue.
And that was the only time I did it to her, because the guilt that follows me today, was from then.

About a year or 2(I was around 12) went by and all of a sudden the guilt hit me. I worked up the courage to tell my mother, whilst sobbing. I told her that.
Possible Trigger

Possible trigger:

I told her me and my brother, who is 11 months younger, fooled around in every field, always consensual.
I always felt he was the big brother. He has always been physically bigger.

Possible Trigger

Possible trigger:

I also remember performing a sexual act cousins as well, she's a year older.
That was through truth or dare. I had to tell her one more thing.

I don't know is this was before or after all the incidents, I certainly do not want to blame this. I want to take full responsibility for everything. I had a step brother about 4 and a half years older than me. I had a bunk bed with my *real brother and my step asked if I would sleep in his bed. Eventually I slept there every night.
Possible Trigger

Possible trigger:

He would have me perform a very different sexual act on him and he on I. Then he would try to take things further.
After he was done he went to the bathroom straight across from my room. I never knew why he did. years later I realized he was probably masturbating. This went on the entire time he was there, roughly a year.

I feel as though I can't even touch that memory with any emotion, because I feel so bad about my sister. My mother, her and I, all talked together about it. My sister started crying because I was crying. Later she said she does remember
Possible Trigger

Possible trigger:

my step brother doing stuff to her, which I did walk in on before.

She says she doesn't remember me doing anything. But she can't right? All the stuff I read about tells me she may remember and maybe not telling me? But she truly may not remember, as I barely do. The more I look back on that memory the clearer it becomes. I don't feel as though I'd be doing her justice by just forgetting it and saying everything is fine. I feel by pushing this over and forgetting about it is the worst thing I could do. I'm not a Child Molester who has no emotions and doesn't care if anyone gets hurt. I honestly do not think I will ever deem my actions acceptable and forgive myself.

Lets say my step brother did all that to me after I did everything else. Are my actions the same? I do not want to blame my step brother for what I did to my sister. I want to be blamed. But I honestly have no memory on what events happened when. would it matter?

I feel as I can be lumped in with the Duggar case. I feel I could never make this up to her. Is the best thing to do is to accept she doesn't remember? I don't want to treat this lightly and with no respect.

Possible Trigger

Possible trigger:

I also have an odd memory of something I did to my brother (11 months younger) while he was sleeping.
I was around 11. No idea why I did that either. I told him but he said "why are you worrying about this stuff?" This was at the period we experimented quite a lot together, being so close in age.

I'm sure this happened after what my step brother did to me. But I don't understand why. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that either. I mean this stuff isn't normal is it? I feel bombarded with with childhood memories.

Also I have a Therapist and Psychiatrist, which are both aware I have OCD. Mainly thoughts. My Therapist tells me to just accept the thought and let it pass. It seems so wrong to let that thought of my sister pass, and say "yeah that is that". That can't be true, right? What I believe it comes down to in my core, is that there's no way she don't know.

Come to think of it I don't know what age I was when I done this to her maybe anywhere between 7-12? I don't know. Does it matter? Should every case be the same? Should I stop bringing this up with my sister and asking if everything is fine? I can't bare this anymore. She always called me her favorite brother..... Probably because I always was nice to her, trying to make it up in anyway.

Every time I come across an article about Molesters or for instance the Duggar case, I immediately connect the dots to what I've done. Is that correlation correct?

I'm not quite sure what to make of all of these things. Can I forgive myself for all and truly move on?

I know it's a lot to ask over a forum and is hard not knowing me personally. It's just that I've dealt with this remorse for over half my life now(I'm 21) and it's reached the pinnacle of distraught. So much so that my mother and grandmother asked if I'd want to be hospitalized, heh. Is this truly as messed up as I think it is? And should I stop comparing myself with other similar stories?

Also I want to point out that, I think I view how the public would view my situation. I'm unsure if that's a fair assumption.

I mean look at Duggar. It doesn't matter if hes in the limelight or famous and has odd views. I feel like I could be compared with him. Which horrifies me, deeply. I just want to understand how the general population may see this. It's hard to look at it without a bias against myself, but I believe I can be compared. Is 14 or 15 years old really that different than 10? And does it truly matter that I was sexually abused? I mean... I don't know what/how to think about my situation from another ones viewpoint.

I always try to accept that I was around 10 and maybe my abuse had something to do with it. But what I always get to the end which is, I chose to do this. When I'm nearing to accepting it, I look up news stories or similar posts and feel awful. But perhaps I deserve it. I just want I get over this but I don't think I deserve/can.

This is and has successfully ruined my short life. I feel I'm going down the inevitable road to... You know.

I'm in a dark place and see no light. In the end, after all the things I done, maybe I diserve this inner torment. It doesn't matter if they don't know or care about it. I remember and this is hard to cope with. Am I completely blowing this out of proportion?

I know I've thrown a lot of questions at you. But I can't take this anymore. I haven't been more anxious/suicidal. Please don't answer to soothe my guilt. I need honesty. I'm so lost and disconnected.

Sorry for throwing this extremely panic stricken thread, but I've posted to various forums and sites, and all I want is peace.

If you read all of this thank you for taking the time. I don't know what else to do.