When an abusive parent dies

My mother recently passed away. She was an alcoholic for many years...since she was a teenager and that's what ultimately took her life. My mother wasn't the one who abused me the most, but she was aware of what my abuser did and never did anything about it. However, there were some occasions where she joined my abuser in his actions toward me. At this point, I really don't know what to think or feel. I went and saw my mom when she was really sick and it was the first time I had actual seen her in about 4 years. I had some contact with her like over the phone, but the conversations were usually about how a lot of things were my fault, so I didn't engage in contact with her very often. I don't know if I feel sad or not that she's gone, and I almost had a sense of relief that I wouldn't have to "deal" with her again. I'm sure it's probably wrong to feel that way. I'm in a really weird place. I'm grieving the loss of my mom well, because she was my mom, but she also let terrible things happen to me. I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation? How did you cope or grieve or whatever? I feel stuck.

All of your feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply....are. You need to feel and grieve just as you are doing. You might want to write a letter to her; it could help.

I've been there. I didn't shed a tear when my mom died. She neglected me for days at a time, left me alone. Came back only when she needed me to take care of her. When she was married, she protected herself and left while my dad raged on us. I couldn't bring myself to take care of her when she had cancer and died. I live everyday in pain because of her. So I do understand the feeling of relief, and also the sense of guilt that comes with it.

I'm glad I'm not completely alone in feeling this way. My whole family, especially my siblings and my grandad are sad and they felt bad for my mother that her alcoholism killed her. And I'm alone around all these people who will never understand why I feel the way I do. It's frustrating and it's really hard. I cared about my mother, but more so, I'm mad at her for never caring about me. And I know that anger toward my mom is what drives the feelings of relief I have that she's gone. I just feel so guilty that I'm not sad about her dying and that I can't get the feeling of being relieved to go away..

My dad is sick and lives in another state so the proximity, or not so, makes it tough to get to see him. He abandoned us when he left after my parents split up. That was 40 years ago and I've forgiven him. I feel crappy 'cause though there's been much better feelings for him, I probably won't see him before he dies.

Mom is local and that's a whole different set of circumstances. She's turned an eye on physical & emotional abuses and doled out her own sick behavior toward my girls. Yes I will feel relieved when she dies, but I completely get the feelings of guilt as well.

I like whoever said that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are...

My father hasn't passed yet but he told me a few weeks ago he didn't have much time left. He abused me as a kid. My mother has already passed and when I found out she was sick I spent all the time I could with her. My dad not so much. I feel inside I could care less what happens to him. I haven't seen him in 6 months. When I saw the psychiatrist and told her everything, she even said to me, " the wrong parent died" yes indeed she is right. I can see how you feel the way you feel.

My Mom mentally, emotional, and verbal abuse me. I'm seeing a counselor at Chrysalis and seem to help.
My Mom is dying too from lung cancer. I hate to say this but I can't wait until she is gone. I can get my life back. I know how you feel. My dad passed away in '07 and miss him dearly in spite what he did to me (hitting me with the belt). Maybe talking to your therapist or some you trust may help. Best of luck.