[SheHulk07]

I've been with my husband for 10 years this October, and once before we had kids (8 years ago), he had sex with me while I was sleeping. I confronted him, and he said he was seeing if he could get away with it and wanted to try it. Never did it again, but said I held a grudge and was using it against him. Which is true, but I eventually forgave him and let it go. Until recently where he's done it 3-4 other times in the past 2 months. Again I've confronted him after the first and second time. Told him it's my body, I have the right to say no and for him to respect that wish, that under no circumstance do,I want to be "woken up with sex", how I was upset and hurt over it. Again he turned it around, saying I thought you were up, you ended up enjoying it. Saying I was trying to make him feel bad for bringing it up, that I don't love him, don't give it up to him, etc. Fast forward to last night, he did it again. I was so damn tired, I just went to my safe spot in my head and let him have his way and tried my best to fall completely back to sleep. I woke up this morning and looked at his phone, because I saw him playing on it last night afterwards and there was either a video or photos taken at the time he must have had sex with me. I'm so incredibly hurt and frustrated, scared , angry. I haven't confronted him about it again. I honesty don't know if I have the energy to deal with him and talking about it AGAIN. Not like he's even apologized, besides a half assed apology for the first two times. I'm feeling like it's my fault he's doing this, that I should let it go, that if I had a sex drive he wouldn't do this, I'm forcing him to do this. I ended up self harming this morning after I woke up and knew he was sleeping, and had to get the cut looked at today. I'm sitting here acting like everything is okay between us, and he has the nerve to ask me for sex today. Ughhhh. I have 3,kids with him, one is only 6 months old. I don't have any family that I can talk to about it, just a therapist. I could use some support and no bashing or judgements please.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry your husband is doing that to you. In NO WAY is it "your fault". It IS your body, and you have every right to tell him no. He needs to respect that. Have you talked to your T about this yet? I'm not sure how the rest of the relationship is going, but this would be a huge issue for me. My wife did that once and I enjoyed it, but the second time I did not. We talked about it, and she has not done it since. There's no obligation to have sex with your husband, and he has no right to demand it. You also don't need a "reason" to say no...
Would you feel comfortable asking T to help talk to him about it? Or is there a way you can sleep elsewhere since he is not respecting your boundaries? Is this something you feel warrants a threat of kicking him out if he doesn't stop? If you are not up for that conversation, would the "subtle hint" of getting him some "solo" supplies and telling him to take care of himself without you for the time being be an option?
My wife and I have frequent conversations around her frustrations with my lack of desire to have sex these last few years. We've done some couple's counseling around it, and I try to be as open about my struggles with it as I can be. Our relationship works like that though. She is aware of my abuse issues, and we talk about it sometimes (though not in detail). She knows it's a huge barrier to sex for me...
fwiw, what he is doing could be considered rape in the US. there's no consent. him continually forcing you to have sex with his is abusive...

[AnaWhitney]

Sorry you are having to put up with that, I would be very hurt and angry if it was me. It's absolutely not your fault no matter what. I would be making a stand if i were you (easier said than done, i know!) He is completely disregarding your feelings and crossing a boundary that should not be crossed, waiting until you are asleep so you cant say no, and then videoing you! You have every right to be furious, and even more so because he has managed to make you feel like the guilty one.
I would def be sleeping in the spare room with the door locked until he earns your trust back, and I would expect him to try and make out that you are the bad one for doing this. Try to be strong in your belief that you have the right to say no, what he is doing is a total violation and betrayal of your trust and removing yourself from that situation until he learns to control himself is 100 percent justifiable.
Sorry for rant, I think I got a little angry about ur situation!
Take care x

[cloudyn808]

Amy,

No bashing or judgement but...the reality is...in the U.S., this IS sexual assault. PERIOD

Take CARE and try to stand up for YOU.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by cloudyn808

Amy,

No bashing or judgement but...the reality is...in the U.S., this IS sexual assault. PERIOD

Take CARE and try to stand up for YOU.

Thank you. I don't find that bashing or judgemental. I don't want people to say I'm stupid for staying with him, etc. I've only told my cousin (other than a T) about this the first time it's happened lately, and she immediately called him a sick bastard and said it's rape. Which I know it is, but she got so upset for me that it didn't feel empathetic.

I still haven't talked to my husband about it. It's like the elephant in the room. He knows what he's done. I know what he's done. But neither of us are bringing it up. I don't want to fight in front of our kids, and I feel like I'll get so upset that I'll leave for a few hours. But I don't know where I could go. A walk in crisis center? Walmart? lol I can leave my older 2 kids for a few hours with him and my father, but I can't leave my infant.

[SheHulk07]

I'm really horrible at face to face conversations if I think I'll get too emotional or upset, so I ended up texting him today after I was out of the house and would be gone a few hours. We were talking about our sex life, or lack thereof, and I mentioned what he did and asked him how could he joke about not getting sex and then go do that.

He didn't even apologize for it. At all. All he said was he was sorry for teasing me about sex. Seriously?! I'm so furious right now. How hard is it to just apologize?!

[pinkbutterfly]

I've had that happen too...it is not ok. Marriage doesn't give him a license to do what he wants with your body. It's taken me a long time to realize that what he's done is called r*pe. I still struggle with it at times. I am SO sorry you've experienced it.

[Georgia Bridge]

Definitely the right forum to put this on to me. My blood is racing over your situation. I kinda still block sexual abuse that I've been through. I am quite conscious of psychological abuse, however, and he is also abusing you psychologically. You injuring yourself that badly is just plain awful. I'm not comfortable giving advice, but I did want to let you know how I feel about what you're going through.

[JLarissaDragon]

I would not be comfortable I my husband tried to have sex with me when I was asleep either. But the deeper question is how do you meet each others needs or sex and still keep your autonomy at the same time. I pretty much give my husband sex whenever he wants it, though there are some exceptions. I view it as my gift to him because I care about him and want to meet his needs. He has agreed to meet my needs in the bedroom whenever and however as well. When we both learned that intimacy is all about giving and not taking it made things so much better. Our sex drives can vary a lot. Sometimes my drive is higher than his. Other times he wants sex when not really in the mood, Hence we negotiated an accommodation. This way I do not feel lie his toy or play thing.

This is quite a different situation than I was used to. I was raped as a teenager and then became pretty loose. Sex was always a way to gain attention rather than show love of the man I really adore.

I think it might be good to see a counselor and talk about issues. Love can be very different but it means both partners going out of the way for the other

I don't know if this is in anyway helpful, but I just want to let you know that I care and that you are a wonderfully created woman. You do not have to feel like an object to be used

[WibblyWobbly]

You have been raped repeatedly by your husband after telling him no over and over again. IMO you should try to access some community resources and get as far away from him as possible. In the meantime, don't sleep in the same room anymore. Boot him to the couch and put a lock on your bedroom door. It's scary that he would ever think this is ok. Don't let it become normalized.

[pbutton]

I am really sorry that he did this to you. It is not ok.

[SheHulk07]

I haven't replied to this , trying more of to block it all out. Today my therapist finally came back after being gone all summer, which means he was gone through this stuff happening. I decided to disclose to him about this, because I need to work through it for myself. Since it was our first session back, we only had a few minutes to talk about it because of other things. He asked me if it'd be helpful to describe the experiences and I forgot to tell him about the recording but did tell him of other details. He was very caring and compassionate through it, but at one point said "His stomach was churning thinking about it." I didn't know how to react to that statement, so I just stopped talking about it. I know he wasn't being hurtful, but maybe to express his empathy.

I'm just not sure if it'd be helpful to continue to talk about it in session or to drop it. And how would I bring it up again if he doesn't?

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

I haven't replied to this , trying more of to block it all out. Today my therapist finally came back after being gone all summer, which means he was gone through this stuff happening. I decided to disclose to him about this, because I need to work through it for myself. Since it was our first session back, we only had a few minutes to talk about it because of other things. He asked me if it'd be helpful to describe the experiences and I forgot to tell him about the recording but did tell him of other details. He was very caring and compassionate through it, but at one point said "His stomach was churning thinking about it." I didn't know how to react to that statement, so I just stopped talking about it. I know he wasn't being hurtful, but maybe to express his empathy.

I'm just not sure if it'd be helpful to continue to talk about it in session or to drop it. And how would I bring it up again if he doesn't?

Hmm, does he ask you how you'd like to spend the session? Could you say you'd like to continue on with what was brought up last week and then remind him of which part when he asks? It sounds to me like it is worth discussing further. But of course you will know best if it will help you or not, just don't let it go just because you are afraid it's irrelevant or too unimportant to bring up again (I do this all the time)
I think it sounds like a big issue that deserves the time to be worked on if that's what you want. Hope that makes you feel a little more sure

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

Hmm, does he ask you how you'd like to spend the session? Could you say you'd like to continue on with what was brought up last week and then remind him of which part when he asks? It sounds to me like it is worth discussing further. But of course you will know best if it will help you or not, just don't let it go just because you are afraid it's irrelevant or too unimportant to bring up again (I do this all the time)
I think it sounds like a big issue that deserves the time to be worked on if that's what you want. Hope that makes you feel a little more sure

Thank you...that's exactly how I feel and stop myself from bringing them up. It's not important, I have other things going on I could talk about, etc.

I actually went to a crisis walk in center today to speak to someone because whadyaknow...he did it again last night! So I talked to the therapist there about what was going on, and some of my thoughts around the things I tell myself about it. She offered to email my therapist for me, and let him know that this happened again and that i'd like to continue to work on it and work on telling myself that it's not my fault.

[AnaWhitney]

That's great! Well done for really reaching out on this one. I hope you get to the point where you can accept that it's not your fault soon - you deserve that.
Please post again to let us know how it all goes if you feel like it

[gracebuttercup]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

I actually went to a crisis walk in center today to speak to someone because whadyaknow...he did it again last night! So I talked to the therapist there about what was going on, and some of my thoughts around the things I tell myself about it. She offered to email my therapist for me, and let him know that this happened again and that i'd like to continue to work on it and work on telling myself that it's not my fault.

Hi. I am so glad this therapist will be emailing your therapist. I can promise you that you have done nothing wrong. And yet the situation is dangerous for your emotional well being. Perhaps you can tell your therapist that his response, as compassionate as it was, caused you to not want to talk further because you did not want his stomach to churn.

I am so deeply sorry your husband continues to violate you in a profound way. Rape and then using his cell phone camera. While you are sleeping. Please keep reaching out. No woman ever deserves to be raped. No woman ever deserves to be violated. Sending you some safe hugs if it would help.

[Kaylord]

I can't even put into words how upsetting this is to me. This kind of thing happens all of the time, and that is just so sickening to me.
I am so so so freaking sorry that this has happened to you. But under no circumstances is this your fault!

And how unfair of him to put you in this situation to begin with!

I have never woken up to someone having sex with me, but I did wake up to an ex "playing" with me while he masterbated. I flipped the f*** out! I commend you for staying so strong through this. It takes a very tough woman to keep some sort of composure.

I really do hope that you two can get to the bottom of this and work things out. But he needs to respect you! Hands down.

[Mully]

How have you been doing? I hope things are going better for you.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Mully

How have you been doing? I hope things are going better for you.

Thank you. I'm still struggling. I saw my therapist today, and we talked about it some more. He said last time he was just trying to understand the whole situation, get information etc. This time he wanted to encourage or empower me to stand up for myself in the situation. He told me, "You know you didn't do anything wrong, and no one deserves this." I should have stopped him right there, because that's what I'm battling with. But we didn't have much time left when he said that, so I didn't push it. I think it's going to be something we'll have to continue to work on.

[KQiao]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

Thank you. I'm still struggling. I saw my therapist today, and we talked about it some more. He said last time he was just trying to understand the whole situation, get information etc. This time he wanted to encourage or empower me to stand up for myself in the situation. He told me, "You know you didn't do anything wrong, and no one deserves this." I should have stopped him right there, because that's what I'm battling with. But we didn't have much time left when he said that, so I didn't push it. I think it's going to be something we'll have to continue to work on.

I know everyone is focusing on the rape issue (and they are all absolutely right about that by the way), but I am a little concerned about the emotional manipulation that is coming into play from what you've described. See, the fact that he overtly disrespects your boundaries in order to sexually assault you is bad enough. The way that he minimalizes and dismisses it after the fact when you try to confront him? That ability he has to twist the argument around and shift the blame until you aren't willing to fight about it anymore is much more insidious than the more overt abuse he is inflicting on you. Because that is the sort of conditioning that will keep you in an unhealthy and dangerous situation. It worries me to think that part of why you are having trouble with this is because he has managed to downplay it so much that it borders on gaslighting.

Please consider getting your therapist or sister to help you develop an escape plan for you and your children in case his behavior escalates. Emotional abusers rarely stop at just one level, and it's only a matter of time before your children are old enough that he will be able to start messing with their heads too. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but he is far more dangerous than you realize. Safe hugs to you and your children.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by KQiao

I know everyone is focusing on the rape issue (and they are all absolutely right about that by the way), but I am a little concerned about the emotional manipulation that is coming into play from what you've described. See, the fact that he overtly disrespects your boundaries in order to sexually assault you is bad enough. The way that he minimalizes and dismisses it after the fact when you try to confront him? That ability he has to twist the argument around and shift the blame until you aren't willing to fight about it anymore is much more insidious than the more overt abuse he is inflicting on you. Because that is the sort of conditioning that will keep you in an unhealthy and dangerous situation. It worries me to think that part of why you are having trouble with this is because he has managed to downplay it so much that it borders on gaslighting.

Please consider getting your therapist or sister to help you develop an escape plan for you and your children in case his behavior escalates. Emotional abusers rarely stop at just one level, and it's only a matter of time before your children are old enough that he will be able to start messing with their heads too. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but he is far more dangerous than you realize. Safe hugs to you and your children.

My T actually brought up that term gas lighting yesterday, which I've never heard the term before until then. He said that's exactly what my H was doing over this when I try to confront him about it. But we didn't go in depth about how that's affecting me, besides not helping my SI/SH.

[KQiao]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

My T actually brought up that term gas lighting yesterday, which I've never heard the term before until then. He said that's exactly what my H was doing over this when I try to confront him about it. But we didn't go in depth about how that's affecting me, besides not helping my SI/SH.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological torment designed to drive a person crazy, or make them feel like they are to the point where they aren't sure what's real anymore. This makes it especially difficult to escape from an abusive situation for the person being abused, because their sense of reality has been undermined to the point where they don't even recognize the signs that they are being abused. IF you are already struggling with self-harm and depression to the point of considering suicide then constant exposure to him is exceedingly dangerous. I wouldn't lock myself in another room, I would get out of the house completely. Don't leave the kids with him, he'll just use them as leverage to get you to come to heel.

If you can't go live with your sister or a family member, or a local shelter away from him, I would thoroughly recommend following the advice of the others by limiting your time talking to him, and find a way to sleep alone with locks in place. Also, you should keep a journal of everything he does to you, complete with time and date. Try to get your hands on the footage he took of you. He has a few options with the footage. He might try to blackmail or shame you into compliance by threatening to release that online if he thinks he can shame you, or (more likely) he will delete it and then claim you are making things up. Have that footage if at all possible so he can't come back later and try to claim you are crazy. Journals might not be considered admissible depending on the laws where you live, but the footage would be invaluable in a case if you decide to file for divorce or press charges against him.

[Aaditya]

As nothing seems to be working in your favour I suggest that, henceforth, you simply refuse to give in to him, come what may. Do not allow him to have sex- not even once- no matter how hard he tries. Initially, it will be a formidable task for you, no doubt, but I guess it will pay off in the long run when the message eventually gets across to him- loud and clear- that it would be futile to attempt such a thing with you. Maybe then you can really start getting all the rest and sleep you need; till then, try to hang on. I wish you well!

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, you need to make plans for getting away from him. For now, is there a room you can sleep in with a lock on the door...or get a lock.

If a stranger was doing this to you, you would have him arrested. He is commiting a crime.