[Thelema]

How and why do people maintain relationships with people who abused them as children? Seems counter productive to me.

<font color=blue> "Is it any wonder that my mind's on fire, in prisioned by the thought of what to do? Is it any wonder that my joke's a laugh, and the joke's on you." Blue Oyster Cult </font color=blue>

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I think people do is because sometimes they do not think the relatioship is abusive. I know with me even though I was young and had no children that it was actually abuse until a good year after me and him broke up.

Also there are threats that are involved a good majority of the time and the person is too terrifed to leave, or they have no money ect..

There is a number of different reasons for this.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[Nicholeinaz1]

I was abused by my uncle as a young girl, and although I do not have any sort of relationship with him now, my mom is still very close to him. He was her favorite brother and they were very close. It bothers me that she can still maintain a relationship with him, however it is her decision. She feels that he is a sex addict, and the addiction took over him. Almost like he was having an out of body experience when he was slipping into my bed at night.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with difficult situations, some dive into it full steam and work through it, and some deny. My mom is in denial, and I am diving.
Some people may keep a relationship with their abuser (if they are a family member) in order to minimize any trauma the rest of the family may feel. I know it was very difficult for me to see the pain and anger in my siblings, at times I wish I had just kept my mouth shut.
To make a very long story longer :-) Everyone deals differently. To some individuals keeping a relationship with their abuser seems obsurd, and others, it is their therapy.
Hope this helps

Carpe diem!

[nicksfan1]

I don't know why some other people would keep these relationships, I only know why I do. It is the only way to be able to see my mother and have some kind of relationship with her. She didn't raise me, only my sister and my grandmother(who did raise me) says that whatever happens, she will always still be my mother and that I need to try to keep as much peace in the family as possible. My mother took my step-father's side in everything and called me a liar, she didn't speak to me for about 2 years and I felt like all the tension was my fault. So, when she came back into my life I just wanted a mother, so that meant having to be around him, a lot. It also means that he has every opportunity to whisper obscene things to me and he knows that I won't tell because I hate confrontation and don't want to hurt my family any more than I already have. I feel the need to try and keep everyone from being mad at me. It may sound stupid to a lot of people but I sometimes feel like I have no choice, like I have never had any choice...but I have never had any therapy and my views are probably twisted. So, that is my reason that I have a relationship with my abuser. I don't want to...but I don't know how to get out of it.

If you want to send me a PM (private message) and if you feel comfortable telling at least what state you live in, and maybe maybe the closest big city, I'm a wiz on the computer and am pretty good at locating resources. I might be able to find a free support group somewhere near you.

It's just a thought .... when you get comfortable with the idea. To PM a person, just click on their highlighted name, then you should see the option on the page that appears.

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I kept in contact through msn with my ex who abused me.

For me it was a power thing, again putting myself in a situation that makes me uncomfortable. At least it was over a screen and not in public so I did it the safe way.

Know what his answer was when I confronted him about it?

"I don't remember that ever happening"

"You were the only one I ever did it to"

etc.

After awhile of having him send me uncomfortable triggering messages I deleted his email, deleted him from msn and icq and I felt good about it. Before that I'd delete him then just get in contact with him again.

Again it was now i know that it was because I was trying to gain the control back, something that I never had.

Maybe that in a sense is something that you are doing with your mother? Does that make any sense?

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[Audrey]

nicksfan1, it sounds like you are in a scary situtaion for something to happen again. You might want to consider the fact that no matter what you will stil be your mother's daughter and that your mother needs to work to keep her little girl safe and to keep peace in the family as well.