[Big Mama]

I am working on writing an assignment for my T. I want to share this process with you. As I struggle through my issues I find great relief from sharing my story. I have been working on a process to help overcome traumatic events impact on the brain. It is a process with 3 - 4 phases. I am on phase 1 at the moment. I want to share with you this process so that you may be able to use it in your own growing process. I also want to use this for myself because sharing is the fastest way to recovery. Telling others sets you free.

To start this process decide upon the traumatic event you want to work through. It is a process of imagining that you can take control of the situation. In doing this you can change how your brain views the trauma.

I am dealing with my abusive husband and the trauma associated with that. When you go thru this process you need to imagine a situation in which you will feel safe. So here goes….

I will picture my husband alone in a room with tape over his mouth and hand cuffed to a chair. I would tell him How much I hate him. I hate him for making me feel like a prisoner in my own home, a prisoner in my own marriage, and eventually a prisoner trapped in my own mind and soul. You made me a prisoner by making demands that I could not met. Demands to clean the car, to clean the house, to pick up above and beyond what anyone should have to do. You made feel like a prisoner, like you owned me, by making me pick up gravel out of our driveway that were dirty , making me pick up strands of hay from our yard, and by having me scrub 0ur brick floor. You kept me a prisoner by making me feel like I couldn't go outside even to pet my horse for fear that you would call. I was a prisoner because you wouldn't let me talk to anyone after you got home. I couldn't talk to my sister, to my mom, to my cousin, no one. You made YOURSELF be MY captor by choosing to do this. You made me feel like I had to treat you like a god, like you owned me. For that I HATE YOU.

You took all I ever gave to you of myself and threw it away. You showed me it meant nothing to you, I meant nothing to you, Nothing I did was good enough , I was not good enough. I didn't hate you when we got married but you MADE me hate you. All the effort I put towards forgiving you and believing that today is a new day, and that it will be a better day, It was another day of equal hell compared to all the other hellish days I spent in fear of you.

You caused me to live like a single parent and raise our children alone. You didn;t care. I did the best I could with the resources I had. Everyone could see where you were going wrong. Everyone but you. The dollar signs in your eyes blinded you from really seeing. My parents gave me $300. to pay for the kids lunches, they gave me money to buy their school clothes because you didn’t believe the amount I told you I needed was correct. You never set foot in a store, much less buy them clothes. How would you know what clothes cost. I told you what they needed and you didn't believe me. That is part of why I hate you.

You make me feel like a loser. You make me feel like a child. You make me feel like you own me. I feel like I cannot trust myself, I can’t be right, and I can’t succeed. I feel like you have ultimate control over how I feel. I feel how you say I have to feel. You have control over how I feel, what I say and what I do.. I belong to you. YOU OWN ME.

I hate you for stealing from me, for robbing me of my joy and happiness. Sor stealing my soul. For taking away every ounce of life that makes me who I am. I DESPISE you, I HATE you. I look at you and see a secret you keep from everyone. That you are no different than saten himself.

You lie, you claim to be Godly, you are a lier. You lie to me, to the church, to my family to everyone you come in contact with. You try not to show others what a bitter and angry person you are. Everything nice you do is a lie because it comes with a price. Something you can manipulate with and hold over someone's head. Your mom was right when she said you were the most selfish person she had ever met.

Every time I see you peaceful and sleeping I HATE you. You look like the liar I have grown to hate. You profess to be so calm, quiet, sincere, and respectful, but I know when your eyes come open the monster will be released. You will attack me and our kids. You attack and everyone is helpless against your power.

When I hear you voice and you talk to me I feel like a child. You get angry and your voice becomes a growel. I am afraid of you. I feel like you are a monster and I shrink before your very eyes, before my very eyes. I shrink inside and become smaller and smaller, beaten down into non existence. Fear crushes my spirit, not knowing when you will snap only that you WILL snap. That makes me feel trapped by “What if”. When you talk to me you demean me, belittle me, make me feel like I must agree with you or pay the price. You make me feel like a child. Helpless and defenceless. The person who is my protector is my perpetrator. I feel like a small helpless child afraid to say anything. Then there are 3 kids, who really are kids, and you go after them verbally. You cut them down to size and put them in there place. I am their protector, just like you should be my protector except I cannot protect them because I have been reduced to a child as well. I have no protector and they do not either.

The abuse day in and day out has left me mentally drained. It has left me empty and slipping in and out of reality and in a state of depression.

I HATE YOU. YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY, TO THROW THINGS, TO BREAK THINGS. Each and every day I should forgive you and I try to hope tomorrow will be better. You make ME live a lie. Tomorrow will not be better it will be another day of hell, another day of fear, another day of not living up to everything you think you are. I HATE YOU. I HATE WHAT YOU HAVE MADE ME.

I am so glad to be away from you. I sleep at night, my depression is almost completely gone. I have reduced heartburn. The strangest thing happened the other day. I heard a laugh. I stopped for a moment and realized it was me. I still remember how to laugh. I sat outside and listened to the birds and crickets and I could take the time to hear them and take all in. The entire sound and get my hearts fill. Life is here to live. Now I can actually live it. That is why I hate you, you have stolen that from me, and you let me believe that you could steal that from me. Well no more.

If this is you please get away, get help, find someone to help you find the strength to save your self. You are worth it. Just like I am. If this helps just one person it will be worth it. I will be working on the next parts of this recovery process and will be sharing that in the days to come. Thank you for listening.

[Open Eyes]

It's important to take the time to let the anger out Big Mama. Letting it out instead of holding it all in is important, also it's important not to turn all this anger inward.

It sounds like your husband has been an angry man and took that anger out on you. Often individuals like him choose to pair up with an individual they can do that with too.
Sometimes they watched a parent do that and imprinted it. Sometimes a woman will see a parent/father do this to their mother and imprint that it is acceptable and the woman just has to deal with it.

It was time for you to exit from that kind of life Big Mama, it was not improving even when you tried marriage counciling. A marriage or relationship has to be about "both" individuals contributing, not one individual having to deal with all the dysfunctional behaviors you had been dealing with.

((Hugs))
OE

[nicoleflynn]

I put my story of overcoming and thriving into my memoir.....and also into my poetry book, Sanctuary of the Soul. My life story won a scholarship and I am a Sophomore at 69!

31 years of verbal abuse....and out!

[baseline]

Mama Thanks so much for sharing, I felt every word! I admire you my friend. You are a strong beautiful woman and a loving mother!

[acceptance]

U have expressed urself so well. I have been trying to write something similar but can't do it. Don't know where to start.. What to write....quite frustrating actually. Simple task. But ahhhh so hard to do