[rainboekid]

I have so much shame and guilt over being sexually and emotionally a used as a kid. I hate myself so much over this, and i don't know how to love myself. When I was sexually abused once after wards I went and repeated what happened to my mom which I heard was normal and she freaked out and I told her about it and she just kind of ignored me she just kinda didn't care and looked at me kind of disgusted and disappointed. I think this is why I hate myself so much and feel so ashamed. And I want to talk about this with my therapist but I'm too ashamed to bring it up, I don't want her to think I'm such a disgusting and vile and gross human being because of what happened to me that I dont want to tell her. I don't want her to think of that of me. I know I have to bring it up so I can get over my dissociaive disorder, but I just can't get myself to do it cause I really don't want her to hate me, I just want to be loved and accepted in therapy and I'm really afraid I'll destroy that. So I don't know, how do I bring it up? Or how do I get myself to get over this shame enough to bring it up?

[starfruit504]

I admire your courage. I understand exactly how you feel. I felt the same way before I started therapy and faced the truth. I lived in denial of the sexual abuse I suffered until I was 31 years old. I saw therapists and was treated for anxiety and depression, but I never spoke of the abuse. What I was really suffering was PTSD and the degrading voice in my head that made me depressed wasn't me -- it was my abuser, my father.

Please please bring this up with your therapist. Don't hide it. There's so much that can be done, there's so much healing right on the horizon. Your therapist can't help is he or she doesn't know.

I know you feel disgusting. I felt defective and broken. I felt like I was marked and everything I cared about would learn of the abuse and fear I would contaminate their happy homes, their healthy families with normal boundaries and no nastiness hidden in the shadows. We're not broken or contaminated. We're just people who had something bad happen to us.

You didn't do anything wrong. You were as innocent as you could possibly be. Nothing is more innocent than a child. That shame and disgust isn't yours. It belongs to your abuser. Stop carrying it for them. When you sit in session and hold in this trauma, think about who you're helping. You're not helping you. It only serves your perpetrator. Let it out and give yourself the gift of healing. ::sending you courage::

[Skeezyks]

Hello rainboekid: Yes, it is important to discuss this with your therapist. I celebrate the fact that you see the need to do so. Having this awareness means that you're already halfway home! If you can't bring yourself to raise this subject verbally during your sessions, how about writing it up in the form of a letter? Or could you put together a collage of clippings from magazines to illustrate how you feel (assuming you're not an artist... perhaps you are?) This could then be used as what has been referred to as a "third thing"... something such as a picture, a story or a poem that can serve as a jumping-off point for discussion. You just need to come up with a way of getting the conversation going. Once you do, all will be well. You are not to blame for happened to you & there is no shame attached to you as a result of it. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will find the way to speak openly with your therapist about your concerns.

[Parva]

My T had me draw picture of how I perceived myself. It was awful and grotesque. Then we talked about how that's a 'cardboard cutout' of what I put front of myself, not what other people see. Maybe you could consider that as a start to the topic with your T?

Shame sucks. We all hide our shame in our own special ways. My dad hid his shame with violence. My mom by denial and absence. If you haven't, see if you can read some of Brene Brown's stuff on shame, or better yet, watch these:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow...ge=en#t-129130
and

I have walked a lot of the same road you're on - still walking it, in fact. I live in fear of being abandoned by my T after she realizes what I really am. But every time we talked about it, she would just bulldog her way closer to me, and become more protective and compassionate. She kept peeking around my cardboard cutout and telling me what she really saw instead of a fly-infested, bleeding ogre with arrows sticking out of it.

You have the strength and courage to do this. Starfruit sees it, and I do, too.

[nicoleflynn]

Try to see yourself as the innocent child you were. How sad to hate onesself and I understand. Abuse is a CHOICE. If a little child came to you for help because he/she was being abused, you would help that person and feel enraged that anyone could hurt a child. You would NOT blame them. The blame and shame belong to the abuser; NEVER to the abused. YOU are that child; try to change your thinking and turn the toxic blame and shame where it belongs; on the abuser, and talk, talk, talk to your t. xo

[Sevensong]

Originally Posted by rainboekid

I have so much shame and guilt over being sexually and emotionally a used as a kid. I hate myself so much over this, and i don't know how to love myself. When I was sexually abused once after wards I went and repeated what happened to my mom which I heard was normal and she freaked out and I told her about it and she just kind of ignored me she just kinda didn't care and looked at me kind of disgusted and disappointed. I think this is why I hate myself so much and feel so ashamed. And I want to talk about this with my therapist but I'm too ashamed to bring it up, I don't want her to think I'm such a disgusting and vile and gross human being because of what happened to me that I dont want to tell her. I don't want her to think of that of me. I know I have to bring it up so I can get over my dissociaive disorder, but I just can't get myself to do it cause I really don't want her to hate me, I just want to be loved and accepted in therapy and I'm really afraid I'll destroy that. So I don't know, how do I bring it up? Or how do I get myself to get over this shame enough to bring it up?

I am SO sorry. My abuse wasn't sexual, at least I'm not even sure if it was, but I can completely relate to everything you said otherwise. I have enormous trouble bringing up things that I'm afraid will make people hate me like others have in the past. I so desperately want to be loved and accepted, and I'm terrified of somehow blocking that by telling the truth.

Let me just say that her reaction was vile and disgusting beyond words. YOU are not. That was an unconscionable way to treat a kid who came to her for help that way. Disgusted and disappointed? By a kid who's just been sexually abused? Disgusting and disappointing, more like. Your post made me want to kick something. I know how you feel, though, because I've felt so similarly in the past. It's unbelievably frustrating, because it feels like I'm trapped, no matter what I do, it could blow up in my face.

I think you should try to approach the issue in a roundabout sort of way. Make sure the therapist is a "safe" person first. Is there anyone else you could talk to?

There is nothing wrong with you because of what other people did! It cannot make you bad or disgusting. The ones who treated you like crap and abused you are bad and disgusting.