I'm disgusted by my mother who is like a child.

I find it hard to even think of her as my mother, as she's more like a servant-child than an adult.

She's always provided materially for the family (my narcissist dad basically sponged/ was ill) but as to other aspects of being a parent/adult, she's more like a scared child.

We were never able to criticise her constant complaining- she'd fly into a rage.
She never set any boundaries for my Dad's narcissistic behaviour (he was quite emotionally abusive). She didn't support his abuse toward me but she kind of didn't do anything to stop it and preferred that I just 'ignored it' or 'stopped being so sensitive'. She always minimised it in her mind "it's just his generation", "he's got a sharp tongue" etc etc. He died recently.

When she talks to people outside the family she always acts to please them (subservient tone of voice, never expresses discontent)
I find whenever I am talking to her about anything/ asking advice it becomes me explaining things to her. So she's never been able to provide guidance. I feel like I'm asking an 8 year old for advice.

She's not even able to console- if you are unhappy she won't come to you, you have to directly ask for consolation. As an example, I once told her I was concerned that a swelling on the side of my head would not go down (I was attacked and punched in the head a few times and feeling very unattractive, insecure and low). Her response was to show me her ankle swelling and say "I've had this swelling for 10 years and it's never gone down". She didn't do it vindictively but it just seems like she's got such low eq and iq. Needless to say I didn't often seek consolation from her.

I think the worst thing is she seems unable to self reflect and genuinely see things about her that could do with changing and so apologies don't come across as sincere (so I still have anger about her not doing anything about my dad for example). That's quite immature and child like.

She says she loves me a lot and is always being nice like making tea and nice meals but she just seems so 'unaware' so I find it hard to connect with her in any real way.
I remember having a close relationship with her before I was 10 years old but the older I've got the more disgusted I've become by her. I don't know if she changed (because things got worse between her and my Dad around that age) or if she's always been childlike.

I want to feel close but I actually feel a bit disgusted... and a little ashamed for feeling disgusted. My body feels better when I disconnect from her and stop talking (no knot in my stomach) but emotionally I feel sad.

My question is- is this common, how do other people cope with this? Is there a name for the way she is?

I feel sad for your mother too. I would say she is a wounded person. Maybe lower your expectations of her. You can have compassion without being in denial. You can still love her. Maybe it will take some time for you to process this.

I don't know if it's common but I relate a lot to what you said. My mother was much the same way. My dad made all the decisions. She deferred to him in everything. She also called him "Dad" but he didn't call her "Mom." I felt like she was my sister, not my mother. I didn't even feel like I knew her as a whole person. She had no interests of her own, she didn't even like a particular band or movie, she just lived in my narcissist father's shadow and waited on him hand and foot.

My dad was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive and there are times I feel angry with my mother about not seeing that -- or not wanting to acknowledge it at the time. Growing up I vowed to never be like my mom. I always loved her though. She was usually sweet to me. She's still the person I want when I get a cold and feel bad. I lived in cognitive dissonance because she'd never stand up to my dad and wouldn't ever say anything honest about him (i.e. he's incredibly selfish, etc), but I also loved her and felt protective of her.

The thing that changed my mother was the fact that my dad left her. He had been cheating on her for decades and his gf wouldn't see him anymore if he didn't finally leave his wife (she had left her husband for him 5 years earlier). If he could have continued with both relationships he would have, but he was forced to choose. He kept my mother close until the divorce proceedings were over, so he got to keep 90 percent of their money from the family business.

A couple years went by and my mother was miserable. She finally accepted that he was never coming back to her, then she began dating again. When my dad found out he contacted her for the first time in months and presented her with an engagement ring -- one he'd probably bought for the other gf because it didn't fit mom. THAT'S when my mother finally realized he's a monster. She refused to get back together and he went cold as ice. After five years, he'll barely even look at her now. He wouldn't even stay in the same hotel as her during my wedding.

If it weren't for the divorce and impending theatrics, I don't think my mother would have ever snapped out of it. I don't speak to my father anymore and if they were still together she'd never meet my kids. In fact we wouldn't speak -- I didn't speak to my dad for a spell when I was 18 and she told me I couldn't contact her during that time. "He's my husband and I have to be loyal to him," she said.

We're friends today, but when she says something like "We're so alike" I want to scream, "I'm not like you. I'd never stand idly by while my children suffered." So the resentment can bubble up and sometimes I don't want to be around her. It's getting better with time. The longer I go without associating with my father, the further the abuse is in my past and I don't get mad at mom as much.

I think the hardest part about your situation is that this is ongoing; she's still in denial. You can't break the spell; she has to do it. You can't make her choose between you or your dad, because you might be disappointment by her choice.

Focus on you. You have every right to be disgusted or disappointed. We don't all get the parents we deserve. You didn't have good role models. Despite it all, you're a sane and conscientious person. If you need to disconnect from her, do it. If you need more space or want to totally cut her off, that's your right. I know it makes you sad in her absence, but it also makes you feel better. Maybe finding a way to cope with the sadness, which I presume is like grieving, is the best route? It was hard for me to stop talking to dad and nobody in the world has treated me worse than he has. So I know it's got to be hard when your mom's actually nice.

This could have pretty closely described my mom. She couldn't tolerate what she perceived as criticism, continually defied our requests about my kids, and never could accept her neglect and her permissive role in my father's physical and emotional violence towards us. She would leave me alone for several days at a time when I was in middle school and high school. When she wanted something indulgent, usually based around food, she'd use baby-talk. It used to freak me out.

I never figured out how to cope with it. I just tolerated it until her death. Which was a big weight off my back. I took care of my mother for my entire life until her death. She never once took care of me...But she said all the right things. By the time she was really sick, I couldn't take her anymore. I, too, was thoroughly disgusted by her, so I couldn't take care of her and at the end of her life, she was alone. Yes, I'm ashamed of that, but I also understand where that came from. 46 years of being the care-taker to my mother, hundreds of fake illnesses (including many needless surgical procedures that required a great deal of my time and energy post-operatively), her petty, manipulative needs, her neglect when I was being abused by my father and then leaving me as a teenager alone took it's toll. So when she finally really needed me, I couldn't do it. Just before she died, she told me I had an idyllic childhood. I don't miss her.

I don't how common this stuff is, but I empathize with you guys.

but she just seems so 'unaware' so I find it hard to connect with her in any real way.
It could be that she is a narcissist too. Childlike, shallow no depth, can't take criticism, flys into rages. Often narcs attract each other. Birds of a feather?
Do you feel there is something 'missing' in her?
Both narcs, but different types?

She might be wounded, she might not.
Many of us are 'wounded' but we still have empathy and depth.

'Lower expectations'? How low shall we go?

No don't lower your expectations, I think you have put up with enough.

My mom was a dependent personality. She was definitely capable of manipulation though. That's the only way she ever got something she wanted.

Ughhhh.....Yes. My mom's favorite was the helpless routine. She'd get 'sick' and call me, and say (and I quote), "Baby, I'm going to need some things."

This thread is turning into a trigger.........

When I said lower your expectations I meant don't expect to get anything from her.

Yes, I definitely feel like she's in a dream world and not really present, like she's avoided reality and repressed herself for so long she's lost her real self or something. I have wondered whether she was narcissistic too but then she never tries to control, overpower or belittle people like my Dad did.

Yes, exactly. My mother never grew up.

My mother prefers to repress rather than confront emotional difficulty.

Yeah, I feel like she did choose my dad. The man who abused her and abused us. The idea of treating one's own children with anything but total love disgusts me.

Thanks. Yes, I think I need to try hard to cut off. Every time she rejects my reality is like a stab in the heart.

It's just really hard because there is a little, but strong, part of me that remembers the connection we had when I was young. She is caring of my material needs which leaves me confused, does she love me or not...

I find it really hard. I've tried but it makes me feel really anxious, unhappy and physically knotted up to connect with her. It feels like being in an abusive relationship.
The more 'harsh' I get about my view of her, the more I feel self esteem and good about the world and people. It's not so much a rejection of her, it's a rejection of the idea that abuse is ok and that family should treat each other with anything less than love. It just so happens that she is the biggest promoter of that view in my life. I think it's the right path to take.

Interestingly, I read about covert narcissists and this part sounds like my mother enough to convince me:

"Many children grow up with mothers who are covert narcissists. A young child is led to believe that mother is loving and caring person. Many of these women go about their duties to their children, making sure their basic needs are met. This doesn't include spending emotionally intimate time with her son or daughter. Being face to face with our children, giving our time and attention, listening and attuning to them lovingly, caring deeply when they are suffering and feeling bad. This is the real parental role.

The covert narcissistic mother is not grandiose or flashy. She has a facade of humility and self effacement. On the outside in the the world these mothers are considered to be fine people and excellent mothers. Their outward behaviors are dutiful."

However, this part doesn't sound right. I don't remember her as 'pitting one child against another' or that she made me feel guilty:

"The covert narcissistic mother is a master of injecting guilt into her child's psyche. She always feels inadequate and wrong---that she hasn't lived up to her mother's standards. No matter what she does it will not be sufficient to win mother's love and the daughter takes this on as her fault. Covert narcissistic mothers rule out of intimidation. They pit one child against the other. This causes chaos and suspicion within the household. When you are "raised by a covert narcissistic mother" you are on your own. If she has chosen a golden child boy or girl, then you are either given no attention at all or strictly the negative kind--you are always compared with the golden one and are labelled inferior."

Do you live with your mother? Are you her daughter or son? Are there any other children?

It's taken alot of time to figure out my childhood stuff. I know it is a process.
Does she want to be close to you now that your dad has died?

I'm her son. My brother feels similarly. She says she wants to.

I'd say be busy with your own life.....your work, your interests, etc.
Take care of yourself and try not to be manipulated.
You have every right to your feelings and having your own life,
Hoping for your best.
Susan

I had to laugh when you said asking an 8 yr old because with my lousy ***** mom it's like asking a 14 or 10 yr old for **** like omg! She has a subservient, slave like attitude, that I got from her as well and really has no voice on anything. If she did, she would have left and done better many moons ago. Both of them are narcs themselves dad is borderline sociopath...

Oh I see. Yup agree with that.

It is thought narcissists never make that transition from toddler to adult, they stay as a terrible two. (a glitch in their wiring?) hence the world is forever always about THEM.
Now, we are six.

By A.A. Milne more A.A. Milne Now We Are Six

When I was one,
I had just begun.
When I was two,
I was nearly new.
When I was three,
I was hardly me.
When I was four,
I was not much more.
When I was five,
I was just alive.
But now I am six,
I'm as clever as clever.
So I think I'll be six
now and forever.