[runningfromme]

Okay, so all my life I have had very bad self esteem and nobody in my family understands why. Due to this I have dealt with depression,

Possible trigger:

self mutilation

and an eating disorder. I have always had a strange fear that I were going to be sexually abused, or kidnapped and Im not sure why. About 2 years ago I had two nightmares fairly close in time, both giving me an overwhelming fear that I were to be sexually abused and hurt by an older male. This got me curious, therefore I researched some stuff. I wet the bed until about age 9 as a child. I masturbated early, about age 7 or 8. I also was sexually intrigued, I remember looking up things about sex at age 9 or so. However I dont remember any specific thing happening to me. But I grew up in a nice Christian home, to where me having the knowledge I did about things was very strange. Do you think its possible I was sexually abused?

[LesFleursDuMal]

Originally Posted by runningfromme

Okay, so all my life I have had very bad self esteem and nobody in my family understands why. Due to this I have dealt with depression,

Possible trigger:

self mutilation

and an eating disorder. I have always had a strange fear that I were going to be sexually abused, or kidnapped and Im not sure why. About 2 years ago I had two nightmares fairly close in time, both giving me an overwhelming fear that I were to be sexually abused and hurt by an older male. This got me curious, therefore I researched some stuff. I wet the bed until about age 9 as a child. I masturbated early, about age 7 or 8. I also was sexually intrigued, I remember looking up things about sex at age 9 or so. However I dont remember any specific thing happening to me. But I grew up in a nice Christian home, to where me having the knowledge I did about things was very strange. Do you think its possible I was sexually abused?

Unfortunately the only person who can answer this is you. Just trust your feelings, if someone feels like something like that happened to them, it means something, such feelings don't come from nowhere. A lot of people repress such memories and sometimes it comes back when they're much older. I don't know how old you are, but it frequently comes back once you're a young adult but it can come back before of after. So, just trust your feelings and try to figure out where your depression and self harm comes from. Do you see a therapist ? If you do, you should consider sharing your worries with him/her.

[CopperStar]

Yes it is possible.

I was sexually abused as a child, but to this day (27) have never recovered any memories of it. I only found out because at my first gnye exam as a virgin (or so I thought), my doctor found internal scarring and also diagnosed me with severe vaginismus.

If I hadn't had that experience of being given "proof" I would be in the same situation as many other people, having all these little signs but never remembering or knowing for sure.

So that is why I tend to feel strongly that if someone has a gut feeling that something happened along with mental/emotional evidence of trauma, their gut feeling is very likely based in reality.

[runningfromme]

Both of you thanks so much for replying. I think I have strong reasoning to think something did happen. There's no logical reason otherwise WHY I would have knowledge and thoughts at such a young age. I had to be exposed in SOME way. I just wish I knew. I want to know who. I want to know why. I want to know when. I want to know what exactly happened. I've never said anything to my family at all. And no I don't see a therapist.

[Miktis25]

Originally Posted by runningfromme

Both of you thanks so much for replying. I think I have strong reasoning to think something did happen. There's no logical reason otherwise WHY I would have knowledge and thoughts at such a young age. I had to be exposed in SOME way. I just wish I knew. I want to know who. I want to know why. I want to know when. I want to know what exactly happened. I've never said anything to my family at all. And no I don't see a therapist.

I've only told my stepdad an outline of what happened to me, as he's also been abused as a child, though I'm yet to say anything to my psychologist or psychotherapist or any of the nurses who had been coming round other than that something had happened and I thought my memories were starting to come back. I find that speaking to a complete stranger who knows nothing about me makes it easier, so I've asked to be referred to a general psychologist (my main psych. specialises in Autism) who I will *try* speak to about it. What I'm thinking of doing though is actually writing it down so I don't have to speak (I'm currently mute, so it seems more realistic anyway), though in the past I've used everything from diagrams and drawings to poetry to explain what's been going on because I find it easier. When all else fails, my GP/PDOC who I have known and trusted for over 5 years is always there to listen. I find that it helps having someone who isn't family/friend knowing about things that have happened, and they are able to offer advice that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. Maybe it would be helpful for you to find a therapist, you don't have to say anything straight away and you can always stop the session if you decide it isn't working.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by runningfromme

I think I have strong reasoning to think something did happen. There's no logical reason otherwise WHY I would have knowledge and thoughts at such a young age. I had to be exposed in SOME way.

Actually I disagree with this. Sexuality is a part of human nature - it isn't something we need to be *exposed* to as such - we are sexual beings, even as children. If you have ever been around young children you will be well aware that they are quite in contact, so to speak, with their sexual being, and they have to be taught to only touch themselves in private (which unfortunately often happens through shaming rather than educating).
What I am saying is that it is quite normal for a young child to explore their bodies and masturbate (from as soon as they have the freedom to get their hands down there, pretty much) and it is quite normal for a child to be curious about sexual matters.
Just saying that there IS a logical reason why you may have had those experiences, without it needing to be attributed to some abuse scenario.

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by runningfromme

Both of you thanks so much for replying. I think I have strong reasoning to think something did happen. There's no logical reason otherwise WHY I would have knowledge and thoughts at such a young age. I had to be exposed in SOME way. I just wish I knew. I want to know who. I want to know why. I want to know when. I want to know what exactly happened. I've never said anything to my family at all. And no I don't see a therapist.

I have very cloudy memories and feelings of inappropriate sexual behavior from my father. I do see a therapist and she told me while I have all the evidence stacked on the table it doesn't mean I'll ever remember exactly what occurred. It takes a lot of energy to accept that. I can honor my feelings though, and care for the inner child that needed protecting all those years ago.

Originally Posted by Luce

Actually I disagree with this. Sexuality is a part of human nature - it isn't something we need to be *exposed* to as such - we are sexual beings, even as children. If you have ever been around young children you will be well aware that they are quite in contact, so to speak, with their sexual being, and they have to be taught to only touch themselves in private (which unfortunately often happens through shaming rather than educating).
What I am saying is that it is quite normal for a young child to explore their bodies and masturbate (from as soon as they have the freedom to get their hands down there, pretty much) and it is quite normal for a child to be curious about sexual matters.
Just saying that there IS a logical reason why you may have had those experiences, without it needing to be attributed to some abuse scenario.

Trauma pts know that the sexualization of a child often results in them playing with toys in a sexual manner, doing sexually inappropriate behavior to other children, etc. Can that happen to a child who wasn't molested? Perhaps.

What's important here is that, runningfromme has a sense that something inappropriate occurred and we'd never want to stifle that gut feeling. Instead, explore it with a T and honor those feelings. For us the hardest part can be labeling what happened as abuse, seeing it for what it actually was.