[TerriLynn]

I read an article by a woman who changed her name, which she now regrets, mostly because she doesn't LIKE the name she changed it to.

But I was thinking, has anyone ever changed their name as a way to separate themselves from an abusive parent. A "hey, screw you, I am not that child you used to beat up" - kind of thing.

I was thinking about it....

[vonmoxie]

I've changed mine just a little. They gave me a monosyllabic nickname for a middle name, and when I asked why they didn't give me the formal version of the name they told me it sounded too "fancy" to them. Which seemed to me a microcosm of and a perfect metaphor for how little they valued me. God forbid someone have to use two more syllables to describe the miracle that is me.

So once I was old enough, I changed it to its longer version, to re-place some of the value and regard for myself that they wouldn't give me. Whenever I say the whole thing and whenever I hear someone else say it, it's a reaffirmation of the love I give myself in defiance of their lack of it. It rolls off the tongue in a most beautiful way.

[TerriLynn]

Vonmoxie, that is AWESOME! I love that you did that and I love the way you see it.

[IrisBloom]

My nephew changed his name including last name in his 20's I think. He was not abused in any way (that I know of) but apparently wanted to separate from his parents. I thought it was pretty strange.

[Miktis25]

I've been considering this; my father named me so I would love to have a name that doesn't label me "his".

That's awesome vonmoxie!

[CopperStar]

I don't think I would ever go through the whole hassle of completely changing my name. But I do encourage people to use nicknames for me, or to use a shortened version of my first name that I only heard from my little brother growing up.

My biological father named me after an actress he wanted to bang, and then he abused me in all ways. I feel like I don't deserve to have to associate with that name. It was a nasty thing given to me by a nasty person. Not like a normal naming or the way it ought to be.

So I definitely do strongly encourage nicknames, or the version my brother called me growing up.

[January]

I legally changed my last and middle name to fly under the radar of my abusive ex husband. It didn't work. I like my middle name and wouldn't change it but I do wish I had my maiden name back. It costs a lot, ( for me), to do that.

Also, when you change your last name you have to have the legal documentation to take with you when you go to renew your driver's license now. It's a national law. You also have to have your birth certificate. So, I've got to go to the Dept. of Records and get a copy of my birth certificate and then go to the court house and get a copy of the papers changing my name so I can get my license renewed.

In summation, my family did not accept my name change at all. They put it down to a manic mental health issue, while my friends like it and embrace it.

Good luck!

Jan

[DechanDawa]

I legally changed my last name to one of my own choice and have never regretted it. It was very liberating. The name I use on this forum was given to me by a Tibetan Buddhist elder when I took something called the Bodhisattva vow. Recently I have been introducing myself with a shortened version of my legal first name and I like it. Changing one's name can be liberating and empowering and frankly I don't know why people don't do it more often. Doing it legally is not hard at all, and within about a year everyone will have adjusted to the name change if it is the last name. With a first name some people may never adjust and I think it might be kind to not force the issue with them.

[starfruit504]

I couldn't wait to change my surname when I got married. It was still a hassle. My father's last name was really distinctive, like nobody else has it, so if you knew two people with that name they were definitely related.

I never want to be perceived as his ever ever ever again.

I smile every time I see my new name. Every. Time.

[DechanDawa]

I didn't want my father's last name or my ex-spouse's last name. I can never figure out why women keep their ex-spouse's name. They say it's for the kids, but it really doesn't matter much, and personally I think it's creepy to keep an ex-spouse's name, especially when children were not involved. I changed my last name while I was still married. I just wanted my own unique and personally chosen last name. So many things in life don't turn out as expected, but changing my last name was one of the best decisions I have ever made and it still makes me happy.

Yes, I legally changed my name and am
glad I did ... It has been one of the most
empowering decisions I've made on this
journey of healing and recovery.

Remember you've plenty of time to do this
and if you decide to, pick a name not to say
to hell with you to them, but to say, this is
who we are to you and that child inside you
that they never allowed you to be!

[DechanDawa]

Oh, sorry, I didn't change my name because of any abuse issues, but just wanted to encourage name changing, in general.

[Fuzzybear]

few call me by my "birth name" now and fewer who (anything like) "know" me...

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I didn't want my father's last name or my ex-spouse's last name. I can never figure out why women keep their ex-spouse's name. They say it's for the kids, but it really doesn't matter much, and personally I think it's creepy to keep an ex-spouse's name, especially when children were not involved. I changed my last name while I was still married. I just wanted my own unique and personally chosen last name. So many things in life don't turn out as expected, but changing my last name was one of the best decisions I have ever made and it still makes me happy.

I thought it was weird when women kept the ex-spouse's name after he was abusive, but to each their own. Even if my husband and I ever split, I will never take my father's name again. I'd rather my last name be a curse word or an offensive thing like Farts.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by starfruit504

I thought it was weird when women kept the ex-spouse's name after he was abusive, but to each their own. Even if my husband and I ever split, I will never take my father's name again. I'd rather my last name be a curse word or an offensive thing like Farts.

That actually wouldn't be so bad. I think I would go with Annabell Damnit.

[ladytiger]

I do plan on changing my entire name later on once things are settled. I have never liked my name in the first place; people tell me I need to like it more often, no I don't don't recall any of these women giving birth to me! I agree the name is for separating myself from the birth people and have found a few names I'd like to use maybe I should start using a pseudo-name for people to address me by. The issue to that is so many questions are gonna pop up from people about the name change - why does everybody gotta know the true reasons behind it?

It's embarrassing that I am treated like I am a guy or TG because my name is masc. like it's my fault!?! I am neither, all they have to do is read the paperwork it says female! People are against it not that I care not their decision...

[IrisBloom]

Ladytiger, I wouldn't worry about what anyone thinks and if they question you about it, I would just restate my new name and look them in the eye like you dare them to ask any more questions. lol (Maybe add a GOT IT?)

I kept my married name because I like it better than my original name. It's more "me".

[ladytiger]

I agree give them an authoritative tone like I said my new name and back off! :P I swear way too many people always gotta question my motives..still!

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

The issue to that is so many questions are gonna pop up from people about the name change - why does everybody gotta know the true reasons behind it?

I feel this way about all sorts of questions! (Why don't you talk to your father? Why don't you want to have kids? When's the last time you visited home?)

I learned to a put a boundary in front of those questions. When they come up, I withdraw a little and just shrug. That way I can communicate that I don't want to talk about it and it's probably none of your business. It doesn't solve everything but it works.

Most people don't really want to know the true explanation for these things. They're just blindly asking dumb questions. If they thought they were going to get a heavy answer they wouldn't have asked! I wish I had a t-shirt that said, "I don't have the kind of dysfunctional family they make holiday comedies about. They're actually dysfunctional."

[TerriLynn]

Yeah, could you imagine the response if you said, Oh, I am not going to my family's for the holidays because my parents beat the crap out of me when I was a kid.

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

Yeah, could you imagine the response if you said, Oh, I am not going to my family's for the holidays because my parents beat the crap out of me when I was a kid.

I wish people saw it coming, but they never do!

Dear other people, some people were abused.

[Miktis25]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

Yeah, could you imagine the response if you said, Oh, I am not going to my family's for the holidays because my parents beat the crap out of me when I was a kid.

It's those teenagers who complained and complained saying that they had the 'parents from Hell' because of something trivial like not letting them go visit a friend one weekend which always irked me... At the time I didn't realise exactly what had happened to me as a child but I've known that I was abused, so the temptation to say something like, "Oh my goodness, you mean... They have rules? Such horror. I'm so sorry you went through that. I will never understand how you feel because I was only abused, but I am so very sorry for what happened to you."

On a more relevant note, I'm legally changing my name next month! It's to the Serbian variation of my first+middle names because it's more about reclaiming myself and taking more control away from my father and not to be labelled 'his'. I'm keeping my last name because it isn't his anyway, I share his aunt's last name. Finally taking charge these last few months and showing myself a little more respect by treating myself as a worthwhile person. The name change will mean a great deal for me; I see it as claiming the identity and life he had taken from my childhood self.

[TerriLynn]

Mitkis! That is awesome!

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by Miktis25

It's those teenagers who complained and complained saying that they had the 'parents from Hell' because of something trivial like not letting them go visit a friend one weekend which always irked me...

And the people who tell me their family is so dysfunctional because somebody got drunk at Thanksgiving in 1988. #Perspective

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by starfruit504

I feel this way about all sorts of questions! (Why don't you talk to your father? Why don't you want to have kids? When's the last time you visited home?)

I learned to a put a boundary in front of those questions. When they come up, I withdraw a little and just shrug. That way I can communicate that I don't want to talk about it and it's probably none of your business. It doesn't solve everything but it works.

Most people don't really want to know the true explanation for these things. They're just blindly asking dumb questions. If they thought they were going to get a heavy answer they wouldn't have asked! I wish I had a t-shirt that said, "I don't have the kind of dysfunctional family they make holiday comedies about. They're actually dysfunctional."

Exactly. The deep, dark **** that we had to endure a lot people I have spoken with in my life never wanted to hear it then don't ask me anything or the ask me the deepest ****! People need to understand where their questions lie and how far they want to know something about a person.

I can't stand those who blindly ask questions without using their heads I usually give them a cold look or a cold tone. Are we still children?! Why does it still matter now after x amount of years?