[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I guess when you are accused of something long enough it becomes true - your heart hardens enough to let it become true. You know, I have had many emotionally abusive relationships in my life - familial and "love"; but blatant false accusations are found both in abusive and non-abusive situations. I do not understand that type of mentality, but when it is used against me enough I will turn it around and reflect it back on the person anyway - then explain later why. I will say though it seems like a form of mind control or brain washing to get a person to believe a certain thing about themselves when it is said repeatedly, and to me - that's when it crosses the line into abuse. I have gotten protective of myself though - I have started just simply walking away when I see it happen. I may explain to the person later why I did so, but I do not give them the opportunity to respond to the explanation. I may feel some guilt or remorse at the loss of the relationship but I figure that is normal and that the relationship was never really one in which the other person truly cared anyway. It doesn't always make it easier-but it does always make it make sense, and sometimes that's all I need. What I don't understand - why do people feel the need to control other people?

[nicoleflynn]

People who feel the need to control are excruciatingly insecure. They need a constant "supply"---that is people constantly defending themselves to feel better, but it is a never ending loop. They don't like themselves and in order to feel better they need to pick on others. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book which I believe should be required reading for everyone.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

People who feel the need to control are excruciatingly insecure. They need a constant "supply"---that is people constantly defending themselves to feel better, but it is a never ending loop. They don't like themselves and in order to feel better they need to pick on others. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book which I believe should be required reading for everyone.

Thank you for the reference - I will try to find it.

[TerriLynn]

Crypts, thanks for bringing this up. I am running into this exact scenario at work. One of the bankers I support will say something like yesterdays comment. She said she wants me to check her in for her flights because the info is "never on her calendar". Which is a bald faced lie. I put all travel info on the calendar at the flight times with all of the reservation information provided by travel. It is a link provided by the travel tool, and I do this for all 6 people I support, and EVERYONE else seems to be able to get the info and check in for their flights just fine. But if I defend myself, she says I am being "mean spirited" or "combative".

I have decided I am not going to accept this treatment anymore and am looking for a new job. If I complain to my manager, nothing will happen, I will be told to find a way to handle it.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

Crypts, thanks for bringing this up. I am running into this exact scenario at work. One of the bankers I support will say something like yesterdays comment. She said she wants me to check her in for her flights because the info is "never on her calendar". Which is a bald faced lie. I put all travel info on the calendar at the flight times with all of the reservation information provided by travel. It is a link provided by the travel tool, and I do this for all 6 people I support, and EVERYONE else seems to be able to get the info and check in for their flights just fine. But if I defend myself, she says I am being "mean spirited" or "combative".

I have decided I am not going to accept this treatment anymore and am looking for a new job. If I complain to my manager, nothing will happen, I will be told to find a way to handle it.

Since your manager is unwilling to de with it after you have already been affected by it many times, I think finding a new job is the best option. I once had a manager that would not assist me when I was being abused as well. I ended up quitting that job also - sometimes looking after your well-being just has to come first. I am glad you are taking a stand for yourself and that this post helped you in some way *hugs*

[littleowl2006]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I guess when you are accused of something long enough it becomes true - your heart hardens enough to let it become true. You know, I have had many emotionally abusive relationships in my life - familial and "love"; but blatant false accusations are found both in abusive and non-abusive situations. I do not understand that type of mentality, but when it is used against me enough I will turn it around and reflect it back on the person anyway - then explain later why. I will say though it seems like a form of mind control or brain washing to get a person to believe a certain thing about themselves when it is said repeatedly, and to me - that's when it crosses the line into abuse. I have gotten protective of myself though - I have started just simply walking away when I see it happen. I may explain to the person later why I did so, but I do not give them the opportunity to respond to the explanation. I may feel some guilt or remorse at the loss of the relationship but I figure that is normal and that the relationship was never really one in which the other person truly cared anyway. It doesn't always make it easier-but it does always make it make sense, and sometimes that's all I need. What I don't understand - why do people feel the need to control other people?

The need to control others - I don't understand it either. Huge mistery. How sometimes reality becomes so twisted with people who are insecure but try to be in control.
I am pretty scared of situations like the ones you described. Most of all I am scared of my own vulnerability to this - like I don't "get" it fast enough and can't protect myself. I don't have a healthy sense of self-worth and I am scared of the problems that come along with it. The feeling of being good and enough, often it is just not there

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by littleowl2006

The need to control others - I don't understand it either. Huge mistery. How sometimes reality becomes so twisted with people who are insecure but try to be in control.
I am pretty scared of situations like the ones you described. Most of all I am scared of my own vulnerability to this - like I don't "get" it fast enough and can't protect myself. I don't have a healthy sense of self-worth and I am scared of the problems that come along with it. The feeling of being good and enough, often it is just not there

I have had to "force feed" myself that I am just as worthy as anyone else. I have been abused so much in my life that often does not come easy, in fact I often have to argue with myself - but I know that in the end I HAVE TO come to that conclusion, or all my past abusers - they won in the end anyway because then they will have gotten the ultimate control of my mind - manipulating me into believing what they told me even while they are no longer there to tell it to me, and its those thoughts that spur me on. If you don't have an abusive past or present - you can think of whatever mental illness you have that causes you to think bad about yourself as your abuser - and use that to motivate yourself to fight back and "force feed" yourself that you are just as worthy and as important and as good as anybody else. *hugs*

[littleowl2006]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

People who feel the need to control are excruciatingly insecure. They need a constant "supply"---that is people constantly defending themselves to feel better, but it is a never ending loop. They don't like themselves and in order to feel better they need to pick on others. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book which I believe should be required reading for everyone.

Yep, that's my dad

I guess the force feeding starts now! The worst accusation for me might have been that I am selfish and that I just pity myself and hold others responsible when they have done nothing. The guilt and shame stick like glue. I am sure one or two of you have heard similar things.
How exactly do you do the convincing yourself part? Do you actually "tell" yourself that, like a mantra? Or do you perform certain activities or rituals?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by littleowl2006

Yep, that's my dad

I guess the force feeding starts now! The worst accusation for me might have been that I am selfish and that I just pity myself and hold others responsible when they have done nothing. The guilt and shame stick like glue. I am sure one or two of you have heard similar things.
How exactly do you do the convincing yourself part? Do you actually "tell" yourself that, like a mantra? Or do you perform certain activities or rituals?

I tell myself - but sometimes I will just decide to do something as a "treat to myself" to prove to myself that "even I deserve happiness". I do that when I complete a small goal I set for myself or even a step toward a bigger goal. It gives me a bit of encouragement and reinforces self worth at the same time.

And ... Congratulations in taking your first step - deciding to start the change! *hugs*

[littleowl2006]

not that this is the first time ... some things are hard to change

Originally Posted by littleowl2006

I am selfish and that I just pity myself and hold others responsible when they have done nothing.

I have heard this one so often! I never really doubted that it was anything but true though. Its kind of nice reading this thread - to contemplate that it might possibly not be true. I think it would make a big difference to really know that.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I get told that at times too - but I know part of that to he symptomatic of my BPD. So when people tell me that - I do a quick self-check. Sometimes people say it out of vengence trying to hurt me by targeting my BPD and sometimes I truly am behaving that way.

[nicoleflynn]

Many or most times when someone calls you selfish, etc., they are REALLY talking about themselves. That is called projection.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Many or most times when someone calls you selfish, etc., they are REALLY talking about themselves. That is called projection.

While I understand the concept and well-meaning intention behind those kinds of pieces of advice - I have considered them to be unfair unless you first have some knowledge of the other person AND the situation because I have been on the judgement end of that before - when in truth the person I told was acting in a selfish manner was sincerely doing so. He was hoarding food and other items when there were others around him who had none - and doing so on a regular basis, he wasn't doing so because he wanted to be mean but because he didn't see their need through his own - so I pointed it out. My point is, while sometimes that is a word meant to hurt, other times just a pre judgement based on a notion of what BPD is, n still other times just a reaction to a hurt slung at another person in an argument - there ARE those times there is truth in it - both for those people with and without BPD, and a self-check is never a wasted bit of time under that circumstance.

[marmaduke]

People who feel the need to control are excruciatingly insecure.

Nope, not always it varies. Some are just nasty and like to bully just because they can. My sister is a horrendous bully/drama queen. She loves it.
Not remotely insecure. In fact she is a powerful personality grandiose and entitled.

Now me.

I'm a scared little mouse.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

People who feel the need to control are excruciatingly insecure.

Nope, not always it varies. Some are just nasty and like to bully just because they can. My sister is a horrendous bully/drama queen. She loves it.
Not remotely insecure. In fact she is a powerful personality grandiose and entitled.

Now me.

I'm a scared little mouse.

Exactly - that is a good example too.