Please help, was I abused ?

So when I was a young teenager first becoming sexually aware I got a lot of attention from older guys (all aged 18 - mid twenties), I didn't necessarily look as young as I was but I was always honest about my age in any sexual situation. Although at the time I considered myself to be mature upon revision I repeal that judgement.

Like I said, many guys showed interest in me, as a young girl I was happy to be receiving affection from these male figures I looked up to and couldn't understand that they were not necessarily emotionally invested in me.

I lost my virginity at 13. I did not enjoy it the first time or any of the other times after, I mostly cried and then never talked about it to anybody but I still craved the attention I got from these men so I allowed it to continue for a few years after. As a little girl I was innocent, shy and reserved. I loved reading and watching films, cooking and drawing but as I first began to discover male attention my life changed dramatically.

I became a bit of a wild child, skipping school to go get drunk or do what would eventually develop into a drug addiction. I would dress up and spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup to meet these men who would then take me to wine bars or or small places where I was unlikely to be ID'd and then use me. Some of them did claim to love me I just don't know what to believe anymore. By the end of school I still managed to leave with 9 A-C GCSE's but also an addiction to ketamine and an eating disorder.

Now at 18 looking back obviously I realize the inappropriateness of it all but I don't quite know what to label it. I have taken many male lovers but still don't enjoy sex so now I rarely engage, I feel as if this adolescent issue has affected me in ways I can't quite explain. I have never had a stable relationship with any man, I still find it difficult to diagnose someone's true intentions and have developed a kind of background paranoia about that.

I feel so angry that I had my innocence robbed of me by these men who claimed to care about me. Although I am not using drugs anymore I still feel ruined by these experiences. I don't know how to treat a lover, or really how to trust a man and I will rarely have them touch me because it just doesn't feel right.

I just don't know what to label all these experiences, on the one hand although I was unhappy I never openly struggled with these men on the other hand I just feel so robbed of my child hood. It would really help for someone to share their opinion on this matter.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long post.

Where were your parents in all of this? They didn't notice or care that you were being taken out by adult guys? That is honestly my very first thought when reading your post, wondering what your relationship with your parents was like. I think there might be a lot of core issues there that could be traced back, and the craving for attention by those older guys likely stemmed from that.

But anyway yes you were abused. A 13-year-old is not psychologically or emotionally mature enough to make such decisions, but rather is extremely vulnerable, which is why we have laws making it illegal for adults to sexually engage with younger teens. Those men broke the law and took advantage.

I hope you will stop having sex and get into therapy. Don't do things that make you feel badly. You were taken advantage of. Hugs

I only lived with my mother, she is the type to always be out working late or partying with her girlfriends so I could just tell her I was going out with friends or staying at a friends house. I was very evasive because I knew what I was doing was wrong so I can't blame her for not noticing.

It is probably a big reason why took to the attention so much though, I guess when you're young and an adult figure takes interest in you you kind of automatically trust them to be responsible, in a ****ed up way of course.

Thanks for your reply, it's nice to hear a second opinion since I didn't talk about it much with anyone.