[CopperStar]

My theory about myself in this regard, is that because there were so many issues with invalidation, neglect and passive-aggression in my childhood, I have some like.. black hole vacuums of needs/wants that basically manifest as entitlement problems in adulthood.

Like everyone has needs and wants, but when my needs/wants are not met, I take it very hard and personally and feel hurt and angry. Most of the time it's actually not a big deal because those feelings will pass shortly and I don't express them.

But with special occasions like my birthday or Christmas, I feel myself retrogressing into a sort of needy, angry child. I actually dread the whole element of socially expected gift-giving, because to me it's typically a case of trying to fight off high hopes and then getting really upset with the outcome.

This issue seems to revolve primarily around my mother. My mother is very wealthy and can't seem to help herself but brag about it. Then she has a long tradition of showing off her wealth, and also doing this comparison thing with it. Like she will buy expensive gifts for coworkers and friends, spend lots of money on my brother, etc, and then my gift by comparison will be something like a bag of candy.

And every time in that sort of situation I just feel so hurt and piping mad that it's almost unbearable. I will have wanted her to get me something nicer or more important, or something that I really wanted. I would actually feel much better if she didn't get me anything at all.

But when she presents me with some cheap gift after flaunting her money and spending a lot more on other people, it just gets to me every time, and I feel like an entitled brat.

Maybe it's because she has always used money to show me how much more she values my brother than me. Always spending tons of money on him and then acting like I'm not worth the same, in the exact same types of situations.

This past year for my birthday, my mother had been recently buying herself lots of jewelry, clothing, vacations, etc and showing it all off to me. She also made sure I knew she was throwing money at my brother for things like his vehicle, college, etc. Then for my birthday, she bought me ice cream. Not anything I really needed, like new clothes after losing everything to a bout of homelessness. An ice cream treat.

So in a situation like that, I felt hurt and angry, and it was all I could do not to throw the ice cream at her face. Which makes me feel terrible like some entitled brat because I couldn't just be thankful for the ice cream and appreciate it / enjoy it.

Now Christmas is coming up and I'm dreading it. She has been looking into pricey gifts for her coworkers, friends, her boss, just like last year. She recently bought my brother a bunch of stuff for his new apartment. And I can just pretty much feel it than on Christmas day she's going to give me something like a cake snack from the gas station.

I really wish I could just completely let go of these entitled expectations. I'm a grown-@ss adult and shouldn't be expecting any gifts from my parent or anyone else. This isn't 1995 and Santa isn't coming.

And yet I know when she gives me my gift for Christmas, when she knows there were things I wanted and needed, and she's sending expensive gift baskets to her boss whom she hates anyway, inside I'm just gonna flip out like I always do.

Can anyone here relate to these feelings? I'm ashamed that I always feel this way but I can't help it.

[green0cake]

If that happens over the years, I supposed you knew not to expect to receive anything from her. Maybe she has issues with you or issues within herself that makes you affected on her behavior. I'm sorry I don't have much to say about your situation

[ChavInAHat]

I kinda know where you are coming from. It totally sucks!

As a kid I always got short changed around Christmas and birthdays. My sisters birthday is the day before mine and she always got the good stuff, I got clothes.
My mother even used the money I got from guests as gifts to pay for a joint party.

So I totally get it.

I don't have any contact with my mother now, so I know I won't get anything.

I wish I had some advice or sentiment to offer, but it doesn't seem like your mother is about to change any time soon

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I remember the Christmas when everyone had a present under the tree except me.

That was a fun year. I was a teen.

[Simone70]

The way I look at it is that it isn't about the gift, it's about the intention behind it. And her intention is to belittle and demean you. I'd be flippin' hopping mad too. Don't talk yourself out of having legitimate feelings of hurt, anger and disappointment. Mothers are supposed to treat their children with kindness and your mother isn't doing that. Mothers like yours (and mine) often use money and gift-giving or the withholding there of, to manipulate their offspring. I think your mother is a reprehensible old cow, to be frank. Sending hugs.

[TerriLynn]

Allowing her to do this to you is giving her all the power. I know you know this. How about taking the power back into your hands and telling her that because she has spent so much money on the others, you would appreciate if she didn't get you a gift at all, that you would just rather she uses her funds in a smarter way. Kind of a slap back in her face? I know that probably isn't the "right" way to handle it, but it might feel good. Or if she gives you a wrapped gift, hand it back and say no, you couldn't possibly accept a gift.

I know the feeling though, my parents don't get me anything at all these days. They do send my daughter gift cards and don't even spell her name right. She is 22 years old, you would think they'd get it right by now. One year, they sent MY daughter's gift to my sister's house. She didn't have kids, there was no reason for that. So I TOTALLY know the feeling.