[McCloud]

There are incidents in my life that I have been aware of for years, yet - despite official definitions - I am unable to accept that I might have been a victim of sexual abuse and assault.
I was sexually abused by a friend of my mother's when I was nine. There was one possible incident of a similar nature when I was five.
When I was 15 three guys used my intoxicated state to have sexual intercourse with me. It took me five years before I started rethinking this incident and realising that this might be considered rape.
I am so used to being invalidated and violated that I viewed these incidents as "unpleasant situations" without realising how bad it really was.
I rarely experience intense emotions but every time I think about this I feel like I'm about to be hit by something that I am unable to deal with.

McCloud, i highly recommend you seek out a therapist. You were a victim of your circumstances and you need to do something with the memories. You remember them, talk about them, work through the emotions of them then move past them. That is where an expert is most helpful. You need to seek out a therapist to talk about this with. tc and blessings