[Miktis25]

I was looking through the posts on here and when I saw one titled "death of an abuser" or something similar, straight away a thought came into my head: "I wish"

It's not that I would wish anyone to be dead, but is it bad of me to think that I wouldn't exactly be unhappy about it if my abuser did die, and then thinking that I would actually be relieved if he was?

[2B/-2B]

Hello Miktis25.

I felt similar when my father (abuser) died. He got ill and went to hospital and died overnight. Nobody expected it. So when I got the news My first reaction was relief, not shock and grief. I too thought is it bad of me...?

I thought about it for awhile and I was so relieved that it was all over. You see, though my father and I were older and live (far) apart from each other, he still carried on with his abuse, but now in a psychological way. He sabotaged every single attempt for reconciliation. He broke ever promise. He cut his only child off from his life....etc He was a full-time saboteur with me.

Now that it was all over, I felt a release of tension and dread. However, in the background I wished he learnt to let go of his fears. I was sad about that.

[IrisBloom]

Hi Miktis. In my opinion feeling relief when an abuser dies is not wrong. Sometimes it is the only time we can feel truly free from the abuse. Don't beat yourself up over feelings. If you need help dealing with them, by all means get help. We are all human and have feelings, good and bad.

Nope, not bad at all, and frankly (although not PC), it's quite a rational and justifiable feeling.

People suffer enough when the abuser is alive. Do not make the mistake of imposing more suffering on yourself for the relief you feel now that they are gone. Even IF it were wrong, how you feel about it now would not change the outcome (their death), so don't even go there. I mean, go there if you want, but I wouldn't!!

Miktis25, we often have those thoughts due to fear. Like in the movies someone shoots someone, they empty all the bullets in them, to make sure they are dead. We so want to guarantee to ourselves that we never will have to endure anymore pain or suffering at the hands of our tormentors, we do fantasize about it from time to time. Life is not about looking over our shoulder. It does not mean we have to kill everyone to feel safe, it means we have to settle our minds that we have moved beyond that and allow ourselves to heal and grow. That is the process we need to achieve. I hope that helps. tc

[Miktis25]

I've been writing a letter to him, which will be sent this week. I think of what his reaction will be, then think "it would've been so easier if he had have just left me alone, or even died.".
I think just as long as he is near me in some way, I will always be somehw haunted by the idea that something bad will happen. I would never wish anyone dead, but I can imagine the relief that would come if he suddenly fell ill and died. Reading your comments I feel a little better about feeling that way, though I wish the whole 'forgive and forget' thing that people tell me about all the time was real

[2B/-2B]

Originally Posted by Miktis25

... I wish the whole 'forgive and forget' thing that people tell me about all the time was real

Me too.
The forgive - yes.
The forget - no. It's a permanent stain in our memory bank. We cannot forget. But we can accept it as our past and as a means to be empathic to those who have/had similar experiences.
I would not be getting the loving support of people here, on this forum, if it was not for their own experiences.

On that note: I am in debt to you all, who have had similar experiences.

Sorry Miktis25 for hijacking your post just then.

[Miktis25]

Originally Posted by 2B/-2B

Me too.
The forgive - yes.
The forget - no. It's a permanent stain in our memory bank. We cannot forget. But we can accept it as our past and as a means to be empathic to those who have/had similar experiences.
I would not be getting the loving support of people here, on this forum, if it was not for their own experiences.

On that note: I am in debt to you all, who have had similar experiences.

Sorry Miktis25 for hijacking your post just then.

No need to apologise, feel free to hijack - if any of my threads help someone else along with me, or gives them a moment to get things out of their system, then that's a good thing ^^

You're very right; whilst I wish that no one here had to go through what they have, I'm grateful for them being there just the same

Mikita - sometimes I read too quickly and miss things. . . I get thought your a abuser already passed. Sorry about that.

[Bill3]

is it bad of me to think that I wouldn't exactly be unhappy about it if my abuser did die, and then thinking that I would actually be relieved if he was?

This is how I felt when my abusive mother died.

[Out There]

It's not bad of you to feel as you do.