[SomethingWitty1]

WARNING: WALL OF TEXT INCOMING (but please read):

I am dealing with a HUGE breakdown of family relationships...well it's really only contained between me and the rest of my family.

A bit of backstory: I grew up always being the 'abnormal' one. I rarely spoke and even now I have trouble speaking to anyone, I can go days without contact. Everything I did say/do was criticised or was wrong.

Me and my mum have always had a turbulent relationship, sometimes she has the most horrible temper, but other times we get on ok. She used to throw things at me, slam doors, bash stuff, she assaulted my sister a couple of times, and this could be over something as mundane as cleaning. The house HAS to be spotless for her. And of course we never clean it right.

As for my dad...well I don't even know him, he may as well be a stranger, harsh but true. All the time I was growing up he was never there because he worked all the time as a CEO, but even when he was home he wasn't really 'there'. I can't remember having any decent conversations with him and whenever things went to **** between everyone else, he never stepped in and just buried his head in the sand. He has also said some bizarre things to me over the years like 'we don't have a lot in common, you don't eat much but I do' (I suffered with an eating disorder and had to be hospitalised). I think he felt a lot of shame really, he didn't want a son that struggled, it was 'queer' and 'weak'. He grew up in a very conservative estate so he does have a lot of prejudices, but I don't blame him for that per se.

There was also an instance when I was about to go off to college and he invited in a guy 'doing a survey'. They both sat in the kitchen while I left, just those two in the house. It was bizarre. Also he makes a point of doing things that I've told him make me uncomfortable. I know it sounds awful but he sometimes stares at me and licks his lips and it's just nauseating. I've told him to stop but he does it as a sort of taunting thing.

I would describe him as domineering, controlling, and even scary. He seems to show no emotion except indifference or extreme anger.

But what caused such a massive collapse was something I said when I was about 17. He had retired by this time so he was around a lot more, and I felt uncomfortable around him. He used to watch me a lot and ask me where I was going even if I was just in the house. One time we went out for dinner and he stroked my leg, and it did not feel comfortable at all. He never really showed physical affection, even with my mum. I asked him what it was about and he said it was 'a fatherly gesture'.

I was starting to freak out a bit but managed to stay quiet because that's what I'd always done. But there was a lot of anger in me. I had started therapy and meditation and I was beginning to realise that something was wrong in the family. It was only when I went up to his parents with him, just me and him, that I remembered that I had to sleep in the same bed as him when I was younger, about 6-7. I got this image in my head of something happening, but it was more a feeling of terror. I kept saying to him to let me go home and I was extremely frightened for the whole trip. It was paralysing and devastating.

I let all these thoughts out when I couldn't contain it any longer and the reaction was bad. He said I was a liar and that I was trying to manipulate the family and destroy everything. Not true, this whole thing has upset me so much, and not being able to see my dog and knowing the hurt I've inflicted on my mum is horrible. I do actually care.

This led to lots of sometimes physical arguments where it would end in me being detained repeatedly until my dad charged me with assault. I was taken to court on my results day, which was humiliating. Even worse, since I was dependent on him for money, the court had no option but to fine my parents.

What followed was a really tense atmosphere at home and I didn't feel safe at all. In hindsight, I should've gotten the **** out of there. Because he then decided to house me in supported living for people with aspergers/autism...even though I don't have it. The manager and staff hated me because they probably thought I was an extremely difficult burden that not even my parents wanted and they made things very difficult. They threatened to make me homeless and also told me how to kill myself. My parents didn't believe me.

In the end, I was evicted because I just couldn't stay there and they moved me to a psych ward...also inappropriate. I had to ask for day leave to go to the library because I was still studying for my a levels. It was bizarre. Worst part of it was my parents were down the road but refused to let me back just to sit exams so I thought I was stuck there.

Now I'm in a new place and I have completed my a levels, and because of the monumental effort I put in, I got decent grades. Going to uni is my escape plan. Things are still awful and my parents treat me like a disease whenever I show up at the door asking to see the dog and my dad just calls me a '****ing creep' 'loser' 'have no friends' 'won't survive in the real world'. My mum denies him saying this.

I still care though. I wish I could just have a normal family set up and I regret saying anything so much. I am actually so torn up from all of it that I can't function at this point. I have to make a choice to keep them in my lives knowing that they could be trying to sabotage me or try and make it on my own in the world, which I don't feel capable of doing.

Now it's Christmas, I'm kind of scrambling for their attention a bit out of desperation. I know it's harmful but there is always a drive to keep reaching out to them for some reason. No change though, I turn up at the door and they look at me like I'm disgusting and make me sit on the doorstep. My mum screams at me and my dad eventually pulls her away so he can deal with me himself. He usually stays completely uninvolved up till a point when he is extremely aggressive. He gets right into my face and says horrible things to me, and then he pushes himself towards me.I push him away and at this point he just shoves me on the floor and outside leaving me stood there breaking down like a child. He tells me that no matter what, he will always be my dad and I can't do anything to change it.

Right now, I'm completely isolated, the whole neighbourhood things I'm crazy because my family have done a great job of destroying my relationships and I'm barely functioning. My only hope is Uni next year but I'm worried I won't even make it that far, and when I get there I'm worried that I'll just spiral out of control. My anger is so intense, my mood is so low that often I just want to hide away.

Sorry for such a long story, there's just a lot to cover.
Thanks.

[Skeezyks]

Hello SomethingWitty1: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I had a difficult relationship with my parents as well, perhaps not as bad as what you describe, but difficult enough. In my case, though, it is probably true that I caused as much harm as I was issued. It's difficult to say. I'm an older person now. And my parents have been gone for many years.

I moved away to attend graduate school & never went back, except for a couple of uncomfortable visits. It was sad, I guess, especially since I was an only child. Yet, in retrospect, I don't really regret it... at least not any more than I regret allot of what I did in my younger years.

I do think that, in the end, you have to take care of yourself. And if you simply can't have a healthy relationship with your parents, then at some point you too may have to simply put them at arm's length. It will no doubt hurt. But the alternative may hurt even more. You may find that some therapy will be needed in order to help you sort through your feelings & come to the best solution for you. In the meantime, please keep posting, here on PC. It can help too. I wish you well...

[Simone70]

SomethingWitty, I really think your best option would be to focus on getting some distance from your parents. They sound toxic and extremely abusive and going back is only going to offer you more of the same. Commit to getting started and settled at Uni, find some student accommodation and perhaps you could connect with the counselling service that most Uni's offer. These are usually affordable for students. They might even be able to refer you to support groups. Get some support, it's really important if you are going to get through this. Keep reaching out here and please know you are not alone.