[YMIHere]

This may be an odd question but bear with me....

I'm trying to dig deep to figure out what happened that messed up my life as much as it did. My childhood wasn't idyllic, but oftentimes I don't feel it was that bad.

My son is 23 years old and he'd consider himself a feminist. He'll call ME out on my way of thinking. We just watched Rocky and the first time that Rocky brought Adrian to his house and was trying to kiss her - my son said the scene was a little rapey.

So this has led to discussions of when yes means no (I felt I was guilty of this) and so my son educates me on consent. (Yes Mama is proud).

So my question is, what kind of damage, if any, is done when you didn't see it as abuse?

I remember being a teenager and having a crush on this older married guy who worked in the pizzeria. That became less of a crush when I was in his car and he was trying to get me to blow him. To be honest, to this day I can't remember if I did or didn't. I THINK I did, or started and I also think I remember him getting p!ssed off at me when i changed my mind.

I had another experience as a teenager. I consider this to be one of the more erotic experiences of my life and yet, I fully acknowledge that for another person, it truly would have been another way.

The short version is I'm in this room with a complete stranger (brother of someone I sort of know) and while I was flirting and thinking he was cute, he pulled me into his bed. The door was locked and he was kissing me. I said no, not so much because I didn't want to, but more because I didn't want to think of myself as a *****.

When I resisted, he grabbed my wrist, pushed it into the bed and said, "Trust me." Me, with the whole, "No stop" thing going on and him finally countering with, "Do you REALLY want me to stop?" It was at this point that I shut up and went along for the ride.

I can't say I felt fearful though as exciting as that was to me at the time I'm sure I also dealt with much self loathing about it later as well. Even the way I lost my virginity was coerced.

So now I have two questions: could situations like these have affected me like abuse even though I didn't see it that way at the time? And now that I've written all of this, what is the likelihood that there is something that went before that I have no recollection of? Looking back it appears my boundaries were non-existent. Not sure how that happened.

[unaluna]

It sounds like you were overall neglected (as was i), so these seemed like episodes of attention, but they were in fact abuse. There was no love for me in our house. I didnt even understand what attachment and affection could be until a few years ago, with my therapist.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by unaluna

It sounds like you were overall neglected (as was i), so these seemed like episodes of attention, but they were in fact abuse. There was no love for me in our house. I didnt even understand what attachment and affection could be until a few years ago, with my therapist.

When you say you didn't understand what attachment and affection could be you mean to say HEALTHY attachment and affection, correct?

I've had a number of relationships and the good ones I managed to screw up quite well. REALLY GOOD GUYS and I managed to destroy those relationships. First one I was young - 19. But the 2nd one was my first marriage when I was 28 years old. I managed to destroy it less than 3 years later.

My current marriage I won't even go into publicly. Suffice it to say that sometimes I wonder if I didn't make the right choice. I believe I love him, I'm sure I don't want to hurt him, but I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake.

Thank you so much for the reply and insight.

[TishaBuv]

My early sexual experiences were all encounters like that, too! I have a problem getting turned on from passionless 'normal' sex because of it. I loved the feeling of being wanted and taken. Of course, the embarrassment of running into the teenaged guy afterward was awkward. I only had that exciting, promiscuous phase that young though.

[CopperStar]

As far as an adult pressuring you into sexual activity when you were a teenager, he was absolutely a predator and his behavior was absolutely abusive. It sounds like you disassociated, as well.

As far as a guy the same age as you being forceful, here it is the same in regards to him being predatory and his behavior being abusive. However as far as your feelings go, don't judge yourself. A lot of women find aggression arousing, but it's supposed to be within the contexts of a safe and loving relationship, where the guy has prior consent to act that way and it's part of role play. That guy in that situation wasn't role playing though and did not have consent. So the way he behaved was wrong. Just because play of that matter aroused you and it may have been obvious that you were aroused, doesn't mean you revoked your right to say no. It's not that hard to give most guys a boner, but that doesn't me we women are allowed to do whatever we want to them. For some perspective. Even as far as how you eventually quit protesting, you have a history of disassociating when people act angry with you, so it makes sense why you did that. It's one of the many reasons as to why NO MEANS NO, the FIRST time.

I recall a time when I really wanted to have sex with my first boyfriend, we were both insanely turned on. But I wasn't on birth control and we didn't have a condom. So it didn't matter if I was horny as hell. No means no. Period.

As far as the chances that something happened to you when you were very young that you can't remember. It's possible. It's also possible that you were simply severely neglected and never taught proper boundaries by your caregivers, too.

[YMIHere]

Thanks CopperStar. I find it hard to believe anything could have happened when I was younger but I've only recently become aware that I was technically neglected. There was food and a roof over my head so I never saw it that way til therapy.

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[Chickenkicker]

Through the years I've always wondered the same thing about all the times I was dragged by my hair, the verbal abuse I withstood and the scores of times I had to avoid something being thrown at me by my mother in her seething anger.

I wonder if your events are like PTSD...meaning you don't give them a lot of thought at the time, but they're working overtime under the radar to sabotage your wellness? Have you ever been to therapy to have a look at this, or just feedback from your son?

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

My early sexual experiences were all encounters like that, too! I have a problem getting turned on from passionless 'normal' sex because of it. I loved the feeling of being wanted and taken. Of course, the embarrassment of running into the teenaged guy afterward was awkward. I only had that exciting, promiscuous phase that young though.

We're supposed to get turned on by passionless sex?!? Passionless sex is normal?!?

No wonder I get bored so easily. Normal guys and normal sex are boring.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by Chickenkicker

Through the years I've always wondered the same thing about all the times I was dragged by my hair, the verbal abuse I withstood and the scores of times I had to avoid something being thrown at me by my mother in her seething anger.

I wonder if your events are like PTSD...meaning you don't give them a lot of thought at the time, but they're working overtime under the radar to sabotage your wellness? Have you ever been to therapy to have a look at this, or just feedback from your son?

In therapy now. The only thing that came up once was I said I was promiscuous back in the day. Don't remember the context. May have been answering a question like what would I change or what do I think has contributed to my low self esteem. But never specific events.

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