[Heather Unbalanced]

My apologies if my unknowing offends anyone. Im looking for guidance and others like me.
I have this gut feeling that my paternal grandmother sexually abused me as a young child.

My father was never in my life but paternal grandmother lived close so my sister and i would visit every weekend for its entirety.

I cant recall the exact age but since slightly before kindergarten i would masturbate; a lot. I shared it eith friends and i even did it in public.

I have never felt comfort in underwear. I always hated them. HATED. I still do.

Anyway, can recall some things from my visits with my grandmother.
1) up until the age of 8, give or take, she would insist on laying us down (i assume she did this with my sister too) on top on an ironing board after a shower and rub powder on us ( or just me, idk) amd i always protested; Which brings me to number 2) i was always her favorite. And 3) i was a little older when i had a robe on after a shower and the front was slightly open at my chest (i had no boobs at this point) and she ran her finger down my skin of my chest and said, "sexy." i dont remeber that manner in which it was said but i found it very uncomfortable. I also dont remember what happened after that.

Throughout my life ive had dreams where shady things were happening and my latest one (from last night) is of her trying to rape me as the adult i am now.

I will disclose anything else i remember if asked.

Thank you for reading, it felt good getting this out.

Edit: my sister and i didnt always go visit her together. Sometimes she went alone and sometimes i did.

[estrella]

I don't believe it's anyone's right to touch you without your permission. I know it's hard to figure out what happened with what you remember, but it made you uncomfortable, and I will say it's shady and wrong. The most important part is that you know it's not your fault and you have a right to speak up for yourself. You owe it to yourself to heal from this.

As for myself, sure. I remember an incident from when I was in foster care (or after) of someone leaning over me in the dark. I can't place my finger on it as to exactly what had happened, but it makes me sick to think about, especially since I showed signs of having been abused throughout childhood (specifically phobias and such).

I hope you can come to terms with what happened. Like I said, you deserve it. You're not alone, sweetie. *hugs*

[Elsie6283]

I'm in a similar position to you.
A few years ago I was reading a book where the girl described realising she had been abused years after repressing the memory, and I was a wreck. I was heaving, crying, shaking, I couldn't cope. I started having the feeling that something must have happened when I was younger but that was it, just a feeling.

It went to the back of my mind for a while until one morning I woke up and picked up a book about sexual abuse that was in a pile given to me from someone else. All of a sudden I was in so much pain I could barely move. I managed to call my husband and he took me to the hospital where they basically told me I must have slept funny. It wore off but it was so extreme and sudden it terrified me. I think now looking back it was my body's was of saying "you're not ready to deal with this".

A few weeks ago I was watching an interview with Teri Hatcher on YouTube where she describes being abused and again I felt sick, was crying and shaking, it took me days to get over it.

There have been other, similar incidents but these ones stand out. And I struggled with mental health issues from when I was a young girl, never really understanding the cause.

I don't know why these things keep happening. I have the feeling that something must have happened, but who or what or when I have no idea. I don't even know if I want to know.

I did a degree in Psychology, so I learnt about repression from both sides, because in Psychology it's very difficult to prove anything, you can only see supporting or refuting evidence. So I also know about false memories. Which makes it really difficult for me. But at this stage I'm pretty certain something has happened. That's all I'm certain about though.



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[CopperStar]

All thoughts and emotions come from somewhere, there is nothing random about them.

In some cases things will be confusing, because the true catalysts for thoughts/emotions will be repressed or simply buried in the subconscious, which can give the illusion that they are coming from "nowhere" or are random. But in these cases, the reality is that the person is simply unable to connect the dots to figure out where the thoughts/emotions are coming from.

The same holds true for physiological responses, which are the reactions of thoughts and emotions combined. It typically all comes together, for example with fear, there will be something stored in the brain, subconscious or conscious (or both), that gets activated and triggers the emotion of fear, which in turn sets of physiological responses (includes physical and psychological mechanisms).

Possibly making things even more confusing is that different people have different physiological reaction to certain emotions in different situations. For example again with fear, the person's focus might sharpen considerably, or they might disassociate which includes a loss of focus. Etc.

But even though it can all be quite complicated and confusing, it all comes from somewhere. Even with mood disorders, it is very common for there to be real life catalysts for mood episodes or for an episode to become more severe. Also even with intrusive thoughts and psychosis, the brain is still drawing on real life experiences and materials (even if it's surreal things observed in entertainment) to form those thoughts, delusions or hallucinations.

Everything comes from somewhere.

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by Elsie6283

I'm in a similar position to you.
A few years ago I was reading a book where the girl described realising she had been abused years after repressing the memory, and I was a wreck. I was heaving, crying, shaking, I couldn't cope. I started having the feeling that something must have happened when I was younger but that was it, just a feeling.

It went to the back of my mind for a while until one morning I woke up and picked up a book about sexual abuse that was in a pile given to me from someone else. All of a sudden I was in so much pain I could barely move. I managed to call my husband and he took me to the hospital where they basically told me I must have slept funny. It wore off but it was so extreme and sudden it terrified me. I think now looking back it was my body's was of saying "you're not ready to deal with this".

A few weeks ago I was watching an interview with Teri Hatcher on YouTube where she describes being abused and again I felt sick, was crying and shaking, it took me days to get over it.

There have been other, similar incidents but these ones stand out. And I struggled with mental health issues from when I was a young girl, never really understanding the cause.

I don't know why these things keep happening. I have the feeling that something must have happened, but who or what or when I have no idea. I don't even know if I want to know.

I did a degree in Psychology, so I learnt about repression from both sides, because in Psychology it's very difficult to prove anything, you can only see supporting or refuting evidence. So I also know about false memories. Which makes it really difficult for me. But at this stage I'm pretty certain something has happened. That's all I'm certain about though.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ive got a degree in psychology as well so i totally understand what you mean. Im sorry to hear that others are in the same boat as me but its nice to hear from them; from you. My body alao behaves in the same way. Funny, isnt it?

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

All thoughts and emotions come from somewhere, there is nothing random about them.

In some cases things will be confusing, because the true catalysts for thoughts/emotions will be repressed or simply buried in the subconscious, which can give the illusion that they are coming from "nowhere" or are random. But in these cases, the reality is that the person is simply unable to connect the dots to figure out where the thoughts/emotions are coming from.

The same holds true for physiological responses, which are the reactions of thoughts and emotions combined. It typically all comes together, for example with fear, there will be something stored in the brain, subconscious or conscious (or both), that gets activated and triggers the emotion of fear, which in turn sets of physiological responses (includes physical and psychological mechanisms).

Possibly making things even more confusing is that different people have different physiological reaction to certain emotions in different situations. For example again with fear, the person's focus might sharpen considerably, or they might disassociate which includes a loss of focus. Etc.

But even though it can all be quite complicated and confusing, it all comes from somewhere. Even with mood disorders, it is very common for there to be real life catalysts for mood episodes or for an episode to become more severe. Also even with intrusive thoughts and psychosis, the brain is still drawing on real life experiences and materials (even if it's surreal things observed in entertainment) to form those thoughts, delusions or hallucinations.

Everything comes from somewhere.

I appreciate this comment more than you know. Thank you. I have bpd so i know all about it lol (every thing comes from somewhere).

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by estrella

I don't believe it's anyone's right to touch you without your permission. I know it's hard to figure out what happened with what you remember, but it made you uncomfortable, and I will say it's shady and wrong. The most important part is that you know it's not your fault and you have a right to speak up for yourself. You owe it to yourself to heal from this.

As for myself, sure. I remember an incident from when I was in foster care (or after) of someone leaning over me in the dark. I can't place my finger on it as to exactly what had happened, but it makes me sick to think about, especially since I showed signs of having been abused throughout childhood (specifically phobias and such).

I hope you can come to terms with what happened. Like I said, you deserve it. You're not alone, sweetie. *hugs*

Thank you <3