In struggling today with bad memories and flashbacks and the whole nine yards

But I come here and see 'survivor' and I think, how am I a survivor?

Why would I be called a survivor? I'm not survived just suffering through
The abuse still haunts me all the time It won't let me go

I can't make it go away
I can't stop the memories I can't stop the flashbacks I c any stop his voices and It won't let go of me

How am I surviving?

This isn't surviving

[Open Eyes]

Hi kori, what you just asked in your above post is what a lot of individuals that have suffered from abuse ask. I think this forum should just be labelled victim's of abuse forum and not have the word survivor.

I think that when a person has been abused and is struggling, it's time to heal and learn how to be a survivor. It sounds like you are experience PTSD episodes, yes, they can be very hard and feel like you cannot get rid of them.

The secret to having "less" intrusive flashbacks like you are describing is first acknowledging them when they happen, "yes, I remember that did happen, but it is not happening now". We never get rid of our life experiences, however, we can slowly work through them to where our brain slowly understands the trauma is over instead of being "stuck" with a question of did this really happen, is this happening now, am I still in danger?

It sounds like you are still in the first stage of PTSD, with time that will begin to ease up. Are you working with a therapist, a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery?

thanjks Open eyes
That makes sense i've been trying to find ways of working through the flashbacks

my therapisty does specialize in trauma but we've been taking a break from trauma work because I was in the hospital recently
truth is, we often start trauma recovery then i get scared and decide to take a break, then i try again and stop again

[IrisBloom]

You are a survivor because you are still here in spite of your past. I know sometimes it feels like each day is a struggle and the future looks bleak. BUT every new day has endless possibilities! One day you will heal. Tomorrow might be that day. Every day you keep trying, whether you make progress or not, makes you a survivor.

[2B/-2B]

Thanks for the above posts, I too needed to read them and get reminded of what I had to do to survive.

I hope nobody will mind me sharing my story on this thread.

I am a single child and a survivor of server physical abuse from an alcoholic father. I should have been hospitalized a few times. I have a slight physical disability because of it. Family secrets prevented me from getting to the hospital. So for a long time I did not know any different.

Today I hardly remember those days of past (50 years ago). But we do have them in our memory, we cannot escape that. I still get flashbacks, but that mainly gets triggered when certain parts of my body may get touched unexpectedly, like scraping up against something. the flashbacks are just fleeting reminders of days passed - 'flesh-memories' I call them.

I am a bit of an artist, but hardly do any since childhood. As a single child I would hide in my room, quiet as a mouse, and to distract myself I would do art. I suppose I was doing art therapy without myself knowing about it. But these days, as much as I love art, art reminds me of survival, and now it carries a bit of a resistance to do art.

Did some self-art therapy exercises several years ago. I decided to do quick sketches, in charcoal, of my flashbacks. After each one I ended up in bed cry my eyes out until I fell asleep. When I awoke I felt some release from that particular memory.

Then my last flashback, the one I have been avoiding to do throughout this exercise, came up. There was a lot of fear of revisiting it, so I decided to race through with the sketch. When I came to the end of it I noticed something I did not realize before. The sketch was the face of my father during his abuse, and he looked absolutely insane. He lost the plot completely. His insanity was an expression of rage and terror. It became obvious to me that he lost his mind at that time. From this realization I knew I was not to blame for his abuse, and I also forgave him because he was insane at that time, and he did not know he was insane, because he was insane.

Yes, I am a survivor. I not only survived the abuse, but survived facing my fears, and revived my self-worth that I lost so long ago.

[Serzen]

You're wonderful.

we're survivors because we're still here whether we like it or not. even when things are bad, even when we suffer, every day we're still alive is a big silent fvck you to the people that tried to kill us.

[Open Eyes]

It can be very difficult to do trauma work, however kori once you begin to make gains from talking about it, it gets easier. If one is traumatized they tend to avoid talking about it because they want to avoid having their amigdyla get overwhelmed which is one of the areas that actually gets overwhelmed during a trauma.

2B/-2B, thank you for sharing, your sketching quickly is actually expressing how visual your memory is, not everyone is visual that way, however those who artistic are. I am sorry that engaging in art is a trigger to you, unfortunately that is one area that gets challenged if one is traumatized and develops PTSD. I can understand how in your case that can be a trigger because that was your escape from the trauma you did experience.
I have challenges that way myself, both with being artistic and working with the ponies I had been doing when that suffered devestating damage that brought on so much grief and a post traumatic breakdown. That was a very personal part of me that was not only destroyed, but something that has been dismissed, and made pretty ugly over the past 8 years and counting in a lawsuit I have been involved in. I have been advised not to mention that it caused me to suffer a post traumatic breakdown and develop PTSD as the opposing side will most definitely use that against me.

[2B/-2B]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

...I have been advised not to mention that it caused me to suffer a post traumatic breakdown and develop PTSD as the opposing side will most definitely use that against me.

Thanks for sharing Open Eyes.

Yes, unfortunately that is the case with any battle. Both seek to use each others weakness against each other, regardless if we see our survival and recovery as a strength.
The battle field (legal mediation) determines what is a weakness. With disabilities, or those challenged, they are weary about those who use that for 'secondary gain'. Opposing lawyers will grab that as an excuse.
Law and lawyers tend to regard their arena to debate principles (nature of law) and not personalities, though it is the person who is affected.

Personally, I avoid such things (a personal choice). I don't get well focusing on my resentments and injustices. It is too tempting for me to use it as a means to relapse into alcoholism and addiction.
I must do what is best for me. I know that my grief and loss dissolves once I can accept my past. For me, if I can't let go, I am still hanging onto it.

I know some people use legality as a means to reach closure/acceptance, but I also have seen such law suits delayed in time in the hope of breaking the opposition down.
Legal archives are full of 'closed' cases because the client has ceased the pursuit.
Some who have survived the legal battle, afterwards have felt that the battle was just another form of abuse.

To me, survival is about seeing the advantages of any steps I have taken, regardless if they first seemed to be going backwards.
In other words, I am grateful for my personal history, because I know I have grown more purposefully with it than without it.
I am grateful for who I am, and it would not be so without my past.

This reminds me of a great book. Have you read anything about Victor Frankl?